Saturday, December 27, 2014

Dreams and Nightmares and Guilt

I dreamed about Johan last night. I think it's the first time since he died. It was pretty awful. I was in Arizona for some reason, at some sort of massive camp ground with a ton of people. I had both Bubbles and Johan with me. I had hiked up a hill and set Johan down for a moment so that I could settle the cat and that's when he ran away. I spent the rest of the night trying to find him. A stranger gave another stranger $5 to buy a flashlight to help me as it was dark by then and I found myself going through all sorts of landscapes searching. At one point I was climbing down a massive spiral of beautifully colored sands and glass like rocks at the bottom (I'm sure they have a name but I don't know it).

I woke up around the time I'd finally gotten to the bottom of the spiral and it was a relief to remember that Johan was dead and that I hadn't lost him through carelessness. The guinea pig in my dream didn't even resemble him. It was solid light brown with a furry head. It wasn't Johan at all, really.

I don't know anything about dream analysis but I think it was brought on by guilt. I've always felt like I let him down in his last few months, not just because I didn't know he was sick or only had a little bit of time left, but because I didn't put him on the floor any more. I tell myself it didn't matter because he wouldn't really run around like he used to and that if I put out his ramp, he'd go right back in after eating his bell pepper. But it still felt so wrong that I was felt bad about it when he was alive. That's why I asked the Bat for my baby gate back. I'd gotten it to block off my room in his house for Bubbles but left it for him to use to be able to open his door without letting the dogs in. I wanted it back to block off my kitchen so I could let Johan run around.

Every time someone told me about how well I took care of him I felt so ashamed because it seemed like a lie. I should have put him on the floor more, played with him more, petted him more. And I know it sounds so ridiculous but it's a relief to confess to this. Maybe I was a good pet owner and I did take good care of him and people always feel guilty when a pet dies unexpectedly. And again, I know how fucking stupid I sound but I loved that little pig so much and I still visit him from time to time to let him know I've not forgotten about him.

This is why I shouldn't own pets.I overreact, emotionally and ascribe way more intelligence and human emotion to them. In reality, Johan probably led a very happy life and didn't care that he hadn't been placed on the floor much in the end. He screamed at me and I gave him what he wanted. He always had bell pepper and frequently had cilantro, something I had to get used to because even the smell bothered me. But in my stupid, overactive head, I feel like I let him down and didn't do right by him in the end.

I hope I don't dream about him again. Dredging it all back up is really hard and I get really worked up and then feel stupid because he was just a guinea pig.I'm going to blame House of Cards, which I binge watched over my vacation. A character on the show has an adorable long hair called Cashew. Stupid show.  

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Ho, Ho... Line????

You know what sucks about Christmas? No matter what, I feel like an asshole. People wish me "merry Christmas" or "happy holidays" when I'm checking out of a store and I always stutter like an idiot. I'm thirty fucking four years old and that shit still catches me off guard this time of year. And I'm incapable of answering like a normal person. I think I usually stutter and say "thanks" or "you too" or "yep" or something but I just freeze up and then want to run away.

I don't like Christmas. I don't like the religious version because I don't like religion and am an atheist. I don't like the commercial and consumerist version either because that's just a terrible thing. You know, I saw something on Facebook the other day that read to the effect of "if you have a lot of money don't buy your kids nice things because poor kids will wonder why Santa doesn't like them as much." How fucked up is that? This country has a shitty economy and our politicians want to talk about the 'middle class' like they give a shit without realizing that the lower middle class, people like me, live paycheck to paycheck and no congressman or woman and no senator is going to be able to relate to that. We are at a point in time in this country where people want to shame people who can afford more expensive things into not buying them because it wouldn't be fair to the poor kids.

I'd love to have a rich father who could buy me nice things and help me with my debt. That would be fucking awesome. But I don't and my mom isn't rich either. Do I begrudge those with rich parents? Hell, do I begrudge those who took a different path in life and make more money than I do? Nope. And I'm sorry but your kids are going to stop believing in Santa at some point and why does it matter if they realize life is unfair now or later? Because it doesn't matter what your kid's rich friend gets for Christmas; s/he is going to learn, eventually, that life isn't always fair and that there is a huge gap between the haves and have nots.

So that's why I don't like the commercial Christmas. I don't like any Christmas. And I hate that I look like an asshole because everyone comes out and texts me or Facebook messages me to say I'm in their thoughts and they hope I'm having a good day. My friends and family are fucking awesome and have known me long enough to not really reference the holiday. They want me to know they are thinking about me and they care about me and that is really sweet. Hell, my brother and his wife are born again Christians and neither one of them made it about the holiday, they just made it about family when they reached out from all the way in Abu Dhabi. But I still know it and it irritates me and I don't like it. It's just another day and I want to be left out of it. I've had so many well meaning people try to get me to participate in some event or another around Christmas because they don't want me to feel left out. What no one seems to consider is whether or not I want to participate. I don't. I'm happy to be on my own - or, in this case, with Bubbles - and just ignore the day.

And that makes me an asshole too, because it seems ungrateful. Unless I sell myself out and put my beliefs on a shelf, I feel like an asshole.

That is why I like to spend this day alone; no one needs to be around an asshole during their holidays. 

Thursday, December 11, 2014

You're Asking Me? Vol. 1

As I’ve mentioned before, BFF and I chat throughout the day via the wonderful world of gmail. She has a four year old and so, obviously, that is something we talk about quite a bit. BFF is a great mom but she’s an even greater human because she is completely honest about things. When she’s having some sort of trouble with the kiddo, she’ll tell me about it and tell me when she feels like she’s been a shit mom. I sometimes give her advice and whenever she says “that’s a really good idea”, I inform her that I made my fortune on my parenting books. Because I don’t have kids and I want her to know I realize I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Yesterday, she was telling me about another difficult bedtime and I gave her an idea she really liked and so I decided I’d start writing her my very own parenting book, just for her. But it was either make it into blog posts or take a few pieces of notebook paper and some brown grocery store bags and staple that shit together. So here is the first installment.

So You’re Bitch Ass Kid is Scared of the Dark

Apparently BFF’s daughter, like all little kids, is a fucking liar. The real issue is that she thinks she’ll miss something if she goes to bed when mommy and daddy are still awake but she lies and says she’s afraid of the dark. Or maybe she really is just a sissy, I don’t fucking know. So here is what I suggested to BFF.

  1. Either buy a new stuffed animal or find one the kid hasn’t cared about in awhile. BFF, like me, is cheap and lazy so she’ll probably go with the latter (there was some mention of a ferret so we are going to continue this list with the idea that you, too, are cheap and lazy and so you pick an animal the kid doesn’t care about anymore.)
  2. Tell the kid that the reason she hasn’t seen Flimsy the Ferret is because FF went away to security guard training. More specifically, FF has been trained as a night guard.
  3. Place a foot stool (or small kid’s chair, or a box, or whatthefuckever you have) next to the door and place Flimsy the Ferret on it, facing the punk ass little kid’s bed.
  4. “See NAME OF MY CHILD? Flimsy is going to sit here all night and make sure you are safe while you sleep. If anything happens, Flimsy will come get Mommy and Daddy.”
  5. In the morning, sneak in and place FF on his/her side and place a blanket over the motherfucker.
  6. Also place a note with the stuffed animal saying “night watch went well, nothing to report. See you tonight!”
  7. Get the kid up because you have to shove some breakfast into her face and you all have to get ready for daycare and work because you are poor like me and can’t afford to stay home or have a nanny.
  8. Point to the sleeping guard and bring the kid over to show her the note. Really little kids are too dumb to read so you’ll need to read it for her. Enjoy the wonderful awe and happiness and all that shit that your child displays.
  9. Go about your day.
  10. Before bedtime, before the kid goes into her room for bed, wake that mother fucker up and sit him back up on his post. Hide the note and fold the blanket and take both to our room.
  11. Repeat. If you have the energy and feel like really selling this, every so often place a dirty coffee cup by the animal so that in the morning you can show your kid that the guard takes his duty seriously and drinks coffee to stay awake.

The security guard stuffy doesn’t have to be a him any more than your kid needs to be a her. It’s just easier to stick to a single pronoun. I say this before any of you come at me all “not very feminist of you, Simply.” I don’t really care but I’m lazy and don’t want to have to deal with it on the off chance that someone wants to have an issue.

And honestly, that would be the dumbest thing to nitpick about this. Happy bedtimes!

Friday, December 5, 2014

Criming While White and Other Stupid Shit

Got Nothing to do with Nothing
You know what I hated in school? The emergency bus drills. Oh my god how I hated those. Other kids loved it because "yay! We get to jump out of the bus!" I pronate mother fucker, I fell to my knees every god damn time and dreaded that shit because I didn't know enough to sit my ass down and climb out. I guess I'd have died if there was ever an actual emergency on the bus.

#CrimingWhileWhite
Really? Look, I'm not going to say how I feel about the recent grand jury decisions either way because it doesn't matter but this shit pissed me off. Thank you white people, thank you for talking about shit you got away with because you are white! Not only are you rubbing it in to minorities that you have 'white privilege', you are essentially saying "black people cannot speak for themselves on this issue and be taken seriously so let the whites talk now." Seriously, when I saw this, I thought it had to be a joke because what the ever loving fuck? Your white guilt narcissism isn't helping a god damn thing.

I'm really tired of white guilt from the idiots who talk about it. Look, the first person to be born in this country in my family is my mother. She was here during the Civil Rights movement and I'm afraid to ask her about it for fear she was racist. But the rest of my family was Iceland, Greece, and Lithuania. As far as I know, we never owned a slave. As I know damn well, I've never been racist. I feel guilt for nothing.

That does not mean I don't hate the fact that black men have to be careful about keeping their hands out of their pockets, if they wear a hoodie keep the hood down, etc. That is awful, horrifying, and disappointing. But you know what? I have nothing to say to tie myself to it. I have nothing to say, I have no desire to try and say, anything about the cause of white police officers shooting unarmed black men. Because I am not black. Because I have no power to change things other than by voting and signing petitions with the hope that they will do something.

Get over it, white people. If you want to feel guilt, do so privately because you aren't helping anyone with your hash tags and your slactivsm. But I would like you to tell me how many black friends you have to prove you aren't racist.

FB Nudity
So Facebook has a totally different concept of nudity than the rest of the world. The Bat and I run a fetish page and yesterday we had a picture taken down and the Bat, who is the administrator of the page, was told we would be taken down for nudity if not careful. I say that Facebook has a different definition because there was no nudity in the picture, but really what I mean is that Facebook doesn't care and the minute they receive a complaint, they act. There are people out there who apparently just go to sites, pick pictures, and report them in an attempt to get them shut down. Why? No one is asking you, specifically, to look at this site. If you don't like it, don't look. Worried about your children? Monitor their online time. But for fuck's sake, if you are going to report a picture, can you at least report one that is a tiny bit questionable? I should report every god damn religious based site for posting offensive content because I'm an atheist.

I probably could, too, since Facebook doesn't look at what is being reported but just removes it and threatens the page owner.

Dear God
I was about to end this with a "and that's it folks" sentence but heard a commercial for what I'm assuming is a weight loss thing, either pills, diet program, or gym. I wasn't paying attention so I don't know but I dude, they are totally called what sounds like "New Genics". Can we say eugenics? Wow.