Friday, June 27, 2014

Where We Go From Here

The Bat and I talked, at first through email and later in person. At first I was really disappointed and thought he might be breaking up with me because he said something along the lines of "I'm sorry you feel that way but I understand. I enjoy your company but what you are looking for is more than I am willing to offer at this point in my life." Further prodding told me that he doesn't really have anything to offer, which was a weird statement for him to make. When we talked later, he told me he liked how things were now but that his commitment was to his daughter. I told him that yes, I know that and I told him a long time ago that if that wasn't the case, I wouldn't like him. I said I was just looking for a little optimism. He made a weird laughing noise that suggested that optimism in relationships was beyond him at the moment.

I sort of get it but my god do I want to kick his ex wife in the twat. She really did a number on him and it sucks for him that he can't trust or open up at all. I don't want to take Monkey's place whatsoever. I just want my own little corner.

Now that we have all of our cards on the table, I'm interested to see what happens. After all, I do like him and enjoy being with him so I'm not 100% miserable all the time or anything. I think I just really needed to know what it was he was thinking. He said, regarding long term, that you don't know until you are in a relationship and then go from there. So I guess he is still slowly dipping his toe in the water. That's fine, that's understandable. But he has told me before that he is looking for long-term (though he doesn't remember because he was a bit worse for the wear [hey, it was a Saturday and Monkey was at a sleepover]) but it's fine. I get it and I have no desire to push him. Maybe I'm just more resilient because my past relationships were so very different than the train wreck that was his.
Whatever it is, I needn't worry about it because it is one of those things that is outside of me and outside of my control. It is all within him and something he needs to figure out/work out if he wants to. Hopefully he'll find his way to trust me a bit and develop some optimism but, if not, that's OK too, I don't have to stay with him. But I'm happy at the moment, and I'm more comfortable now that everything is out in the open and I now know how he feels. I know who I am and what I have to offer, what I'm willing to offer, and I know that it takes time to figure that out.

So I'll be patient and see if he is willing to stop dipping just his toe and maybe wade out a bit, even if his first few steps remain in the shallows.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Continuation on Yesterday's Theme

I'm being a big girl and thinking about my relationship, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes me. I've also spoken with BFF about it. One of the shittiest things is that I really, really do not want to end up being that girl who trains her boyfriend to be a great boyfriend for the next girlfriend. The other really shitty thing is that he evidently used to be a great boyfriend roughly 16 years ago, before his crap ex-wife came into the picture and changed his outlook on things.

I'm not his ex-wife. I don't know why I have to tell him "girls like to hear nice things and be told that their boyfriends like them from time to time" or just "please treat me like your girlfriend." It's hurtful and embarrassing and even when he does manage to say something nice without it sounding obligatory, he goes and fucks it up. Just the other day, out of nowhere, he said "you know something? I like you." Just when I was feeling smiley inside he said "did I do that right?" and ruined it.

So my issues are: zero security because he made it clear from the beginning that this isn't forever (he used to say thing like he was happy "for now" and even though he quit saying "for now" at my request, my brain is trained to know "this isn't going to last"); zero knowledge of what the hell he thinks because he doesn't like to talk about it; zero romance.

Like I said, 16 or 17 years ago he was a great boyfriend. I know because he showed me a Facebook message from someone he dated way back when and it was clear that he was awesome. How do you forget how to do it? Or is it a choice because "my ex-wife was a cunt and she was my last long-term relationship so I'm basing everything off of that" regardless of the fact that I'm not his ex-wife or a cunt? I just don't know. And I don't know what I want to do. Do I walk away or do I talk to him about it?

Because like I said, I have zero interest in prepping him and reminding him of how to be an awesome boyfriend for the next girl. I deserve more than that. I deserve the awesome boyfriend.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Unpleasant Self Confrontation & Trying to Figure Things Out

Things are weird with me at the moment because I’m not really sure where I am or how I feel. Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing? How can you not know how you feel? Is it the bipolar? Is it that thing that I know is lurking in my brain but that I don’t want to face that I mentioned some time ago? I think I’m avoiding confronting myself with my life because I am afraid of what I’ll see/find and afraid I’ll have to uproot myself again. I sound very cryptic but that’s kind of what it is like in my head right now.

I don’t know how I feel about my relationship. I’ve been with the Bat for 9 months and I like him but I have that constant feeling that it’s going to be over any day now. When that feeling gets really intense I do stupid shit and lash out at him for no reason because, you know, good decision maker and it helps keep me from getting attached. I’m afraid to get too attached to him because he’s always made it clear that this isn’t forever. I guess you can say I’m constantly on guard looking for my expiration date.

I don’t want to date. I don’t want to go from relationship to relationship. I’ve only had a handful of boyfriends because I’m a long-term girl and I go into things with the hope and expectation that it will either be forever or for the foreseeable future. I am not naive and I know that people go off one another and that relationships end (I am, after all, divorced after having been with J for almost 7 years), but some people stay together for 40+ years and the idea of going into a relationship with the expectation that it isn’t going to last makes me think “what’s the point then?”

I’m attached to Monkey in some ways. I worry about her and I hope for her, if that makes sense. She and the Bat are going to Missouri this coming weekend and there is a chance that Monkey will see her mother. Monkey is mature and strong and 15 and all that, but I worry about how it will affect her if she does see her mom (long back story but suffice it to say that this is a terrible woman who actually told Monkey that she had another kid to replace her). The Bat will be there and he’d never let anything happen to her but still, I worry. I am concerned about her seeming lack of interest in school (although she ended the year with decent grades) and her 24/7 need to be connected to her phone because she has a lot of potential and I want her to go on and do great things with it.

So yeah, I guess I’m attached to the kiddo but it isn’t the same as being attached to your boyfriend. The Bat’s crazy sister in law (who slapped me across the face and hit me with her purse this last Thursday [I’ll write about that another day]) always drunkenly tells me that the Bat and I are going to get married and that we are totally in love and blah blah. Actually, the Bat’s friend Phoenix told me that we were in love. I like when people tell me how I feel or how my boyfriend feels. I don’t fucking know what the Bat feels because he isn’t verbally demonstrative (not all people are, obviously) and I don’t know what he says to other people but it certainly isn’t that he loves me (I was once in the room when he was on the phone and he had it on speaker. When he told his friend that he had a girlfriend and the guy asked how that was going or was the Bat happy or something, the Bat responded with “I’m very content. She’s sitting right here so…”) And no, I don’t love him either. Could I? No clue. I locked up my heart and have no intention of letting it feel strongly because I don’t want to get hurt. I think I’d be willing to try love again but not with someone who has told me straight out that he will never love me and not with someone who has always let me know that this is ephemeral and will not last. 

Maybe that’s what I haven’t wanted to face because it’s really unpleasant to think about. What’s the point of being in a relationship if you don’t plan on staying together and building said relationship? What’s the point of being in a relationship where there is not going to be love because neither party wants to be hurt and the assumption is, one of them definitely will be in the end? To have fun and have a good time and have companionship, I suppose. I know one thing the Bat wants is to set a good example for Monkey. He wants a girlfriend who will be a positive, strong, female role model for his daughter and he always wants his daughter to understand what a healthy relationship is so that she’ll know if she’s in one and she’ll not settle for a wrong’un.

But I really need to sit with myself and think over the question “is this worth it to not be alone? Is that what I’m doing by being in this relationship?” I like the Bat and I would like to remain with him for the foreseeable future, but not knowing what he wants and thinks because he doesn’t like to talk about it makes it really hard to know what this relationship really is. For the most part, I feel like we are roommates who have agreed to have sex with one another with the understanding that we will not have sex with other people. For all I know, that is what he feels too and he's happy with that. And maybe that is part of why I don’t want to think about it, because what conclusions can I draw when I only know my side?

If there is one thing I’d like Monkey to learn from me, it is to stay a kid as long as possible and not rush into adulthood. Because not only do you have to pay bills and be responsible for yourself, you have to deal with harder emotional shit.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Life at the Moment

Hi Ho, Hi Ho
I’ve applied for a different position within my company. It finally opened up and would be a phenomenal opportunity for me because I’d have a mentor and I’d receive more technical training. But the chances of my getting it are fairly slim because I am not the most qualified of applicants. It’s very nerve wracking, especially as you have to let your present boss know that you are doing it. But she was very gracious in her reply (my email was very diplomatic and I stated, truthfully, that I wouldn’t be dramatically upset if I didn’t get the position because I do enjoy the work I presently do) and so now we just have to wait until the interviews and announcements.

Applying for jobs makes me feel so desperate and anxious. It isn’t as bad as it would be if I was currently unemployed, of course, but I’m not very good with waiting when it comes to big decisions like this. Hold up in the grocery store line? I can be patient. Doctor’s running late? Depending on the competence of the office staff, sure, I’ll wait and read my book. But waiting on results or decisions is maddening and I just can’t stand it. I just have to remind myself of what I have and be grateful. And, of course, hope for the best but expect the worst.

Mysteries at the BatCave
Sometime between Memorial Day weekend and the Bat’s big party, a ladder disappeared. It was last seen by me, as I’d used it to dust off the haybarn (don’t ask). It wasn’t until I wanted to hang up the birdhouses that I couldn’t find it and I was really perplexed. The Bat made reference after reference to it saying “well, if I had a ladder…” as though it was my fault because that’s the adorable, caring, sweetheart of a boyfriend that he is. I actually thought that he’d hidden it from me for awhile, just because it seemed so absurd. But he swore up and down that he hadn’t and he looked all throughout the house and the backyard.

I told him that my theory was that someone had taken it and would return it, possibly throwing it over the fence when they were done with it. I mean, who jumps a fence and just takes a ladder? The Bat and Monkey just laughed at me but every day after work, I would go and see if it was in the backyard. Nope.

But then! We had to flea bomb again on Saturday and this time we did the outside as well. I did the front and when I went to turn on the water, I found the ladder! The water turn on thing (I cannot spell the real word) is tucked far behind some bushes so you have to squeeze yourself behind them to get there. Not only did the person return the ladder, I think they purposely shoved it far enough back that it wouldn’t be visible so that no one would steal it. Considerate of them, wasn’t it? Here’s hoping they return the red handled ax next because that has gone missing as well (after the ladder, not at the same time).

Father’s Day
Why no, it doesn’t make me sad or pouty or wistful. My biological father peaced out and died but I have a mother who had to fill both roles so I just called her, as I always do. I also bought a massage gift card for the Bat and bullied his kid into picking out a decent card (she was totally going to skip out, I told her to put some effort into it, and the next thing I know, she was all “oh my god! This is perfect!”). So he had a Father’s Day, something he apparently hasn’t really ever had. Yay me. He and Monkey went to his parents house to celebrate with his brother and father but I skipped it. Part of the reason was because I wanted to be alone in the house to think about stuff and part of it is because the Bat’s mother makes me uncomfortable. She really seems convinced that because the Bat and I are still together and that we live together, I have any sort of authoritative role over Monkey, which I most certainly do not. I mean, I can ask her to turn music down or whatever, and ask if she can help me clean something, but I can’t tell her to do anything or say anything when the attitude bursts out. I keep trying to tell that woman (Bat’s mom) that I’m just a roommate and that if she wants the Bat to know x y or z, she should tell him and quit asking me to.

Don’t get me wrong, she’s a really nice lady and I do like her, but it’s just that the last three times I’ve been around her, she’s pushed that persona on me regardless of the fact that I keep telling her she’s wrong. So the Bat talked to her on Sunday, she didn’t know what he was talking about, he didn’t either (because he forgot or because he’s never around when she talks to me about that stuff), and so there. If it happens again I’ll just tell her to knock it off with that shit because she’s living in a dream world. The Bat and Monkey have been on their own long enough that there is no room for anyone to question anything or make suggestions (unless by a relative) and I know that. I mean, if the kid was ever disrespectful to me, yeah, I’d say something to her but that’s about it (and to date, she has never been disrespectful towards me).

I can teach her to remove stains from her white shirts and she has picked up the idea of shaving her legs outside where it is warm from me. I serve as a strong, independent, female role model. But that’s it.

Now go check out BitchesGottaEat because she has a hilarious post up about Cat Fishing.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Banal Update

I firmly believe that once you've read the full trilogy of the Hunger Games more than once, you start applying that shit to your daily life. When I first moved to the Texas office, I commented that getting office supplies was akin to getting to the cornucopia in the arena. When we moved from the 7th floor to the 3rd, my colleagues and I discussed the different floors and it totally felt like we were talking about districts. Since moving to the first floor on Friday, I've determined that my department is, at very least, in District 11. It smells in here. We do not have a proper break room. If we want water or coffee, we have to go to another floor or bother someone down here to let us in. Minor inconveniences but we kind of feel like red headed stepchildren, especially considering our "break room" now consists of a mini refrigerator (which was filthy when we first received it) and a microwave (also filthy) on top of it. Really though, it's the smell that bothers me most. I don't mind being down here because it takes away my elevator guilt and if I forget my badge one day, it won't be as big a hassle. Still, change and all that.

Things at the Bat Cave are same old same old. The Bat through his annual party, which fell on Monkey's birthday, and was a bit disappointed by the turnout (I think that was due to the rain we'd had earlier in the day). But the Monkey said she had a good birthday and I think it all went well. Save for the Bat standing all day in flip flops, which led him to be crooked for a few days again with terrible back pain. I'd say "poor fucker" but he was told ages ago to look into getting an inversion table for that sort of therapy and he just puts it off, saying he doesn't have the funds but I think he could probably make room if he budgeted. Then again, I haven't moved anything into savings since I started paying full rent so I'm not one to talk. I just hate seeing him - or anyone for that matter - in such pain when I know there is nothing I can do about it.

Bubbles has weird bumps that the Bat thinks are from her scratching herself. I'm worried about her and I think I need to take her to the vet but part of me is afraid to. I don't know why other than I hate wrestling her into her little crate and my fear that something really wrong might be going on. But I need to look into it and make an appointment for the poor thing. I feel like I'm being a bad pet owner and I've NEVER been a bad pet owner. The dogs scratch constantly so they now stay outside at night. Monkey says we still have fleas, even with the bombing we did, so who knows? I guess it just isn't a good time for the pets lately. I sympathize as my bites have also increased.

The strawberries seem to be giving up in the greenhouse. The Bat doesn't know if it is because they need more nitrogen or what. I wonder if it isn't because the tomatoes are taking over. Bat bought some pond plants this past Friday with hopes that they would improve the situation but right now it is tenuous. He bought some cheap plants with little white flowers and, because he knew I was in a terrible mood, a big lily pad with a couple of buds so that I'd have a pretty plant in the pond. He continues to boggle my mind, to be honest. But, mosquitoes aside, the greenhouse really has become an oasis, especially in the evenings when it is a bit cooler. Spectero is coming this evening for girls' night just because the greenhouse is bad ass. We are going to make our own pesto and I'm going to help her get over her fear of puff pastry as we make the savory tart. Hopefully we don't fuck up the pesto. She's bringing the ingredients and I have a food processor and an internet connection so I would say "what could possibly go wrong" but those are famous last words.

So that is it in my boring little life. Just thought I'd put in a brief update even though it is a ridiculous one. Maybe I'll have more humor another day. Right now I have to get back to work.