Saturday, December 27, 2014

Dreams and Nightmares and Guilt

I dreamed about Johan last night. I think it's the first time since he died. It was pretty awful. I was in Arizona for some reason, at some sort of massive camp ground with a ton of people. I had both Bubbles and Johan with me. I had hiked up a hill and set Johan down for a moment so that I could settle the cat and that's when he ran away. I spent the rest of the night trying to find him. A stranger gave another stranger $5 to buy a flashlight to help me as it was dark by then and I found myself going through all sorts of landscapes searching. At one point I was climbing down a massive spiral of beautifully colored sands and glass like rocks at the bottom (I'm sure they have a name but I don't know it).

I woke up around the time I'd finally gotten to the bottom of the spiral and it was a relief to remember that Johan was dead and that I hadn't lost him through carelessness. The guinea pig in my dream didn't even resemble him. It was solid light brown with a furry head. It wasn't Johan at all, really.

I don't know anything about dream analysis but I think it was brought on by guilt. I've always felt like I let him down in his last few months, not just because I didn't know he was sick or only had a little bit of time left, but because I didn't put him on the floor any more. I tell myself it didn't matter because he wouldn't really run around like he used to and that if I put out his ramp, he'd go right back in after eating his bell pepper. But it still felt so wrong that I was felt bad about it when he was alive. That's why I asked the Bat for my baby gate back. I'd gotten it to block off my room in his house for Bubbles but left it for him to use to be able to open his door without letting the dogs in. I wanted it back to block off my kitchen so I could let Johan run around.

Every time someone told me about how well I took care of him I felt so ashamed because it seemed like a lie. I should have put him on the floor more, played with him more, petted him more. And I know it sounds so ridiculous but it's a relief to confess to this. Maybe I was a good pet owner and I did take good care of him and people always feel guilty when a pet dies unexpectedly. And again, I know how fucking stupid I sound but I loved that little pig so much and I still visit him from time to time to let him know I've not forgotten about him.

This is why I shouldn't own pets.I overreact, emotionally and ascribe way more intelligence and human emotion to them. In reality, Johan probably led a very happy life and didn't care that he hadn't been placed on the floor much in the end. He screamed at me and I gave him what he wanted. He always had bell pepper and frequently had cilantro, something I had to get used to because even the smell bothered me. But in my stupid, overactive head, I feel like I let him down and didn't do right by him in the end.

I hope I don't dream about him again. Dredging it all back up is really hard and I get really worked up and then feel stupid because he was just a guinea pig.I'm going to blame House of Cards, which I binge watched over my vacation. A character on the show has an adorable long hair called Cashew. Stupid show.  

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Ho, Ho... Line????

You know what sucks about Christmas? No matter what, I feel like an asshole. People wish me "merry Christmas" or "happy holidays" when I'm checking out of a store and I always stutter like an idiot. I'm thirty fucking four years old and that shit still catches me off guard this time of year. And I'm incapable of answering like a normal person. I think I usually stutter and say "thanks" or "you too" or "yep" or something but I just freeze up and then want to run away.

I don't like Christmas. I don't like the religious version because I don't like religion and am an atheist. I don't like the commercial and consumerist version either because that's just a terrible thing. You know, I saw something on Facebook the other day that read to the effect of "if you have a lot of money don't buy your kids nice things because poor kids will wonder why Santa doesn't like them as much." How fucked up is that? This country has a shitty economy and our politicians want to talk about the 'middle class' like they give a shit without realizing that the lower middle class, people like me, live paycheck to paycheck and no congressman or woman and no senator is going to be able to relate to that. We are at a point in time in this country where people want to shame people who can afford more expensive things into not buying them because it wouldn't be fair to the poor kids.

I'd love to have a rich father who could buy me nice things and help me with my debt. That would be fucking awesome. But I don't and my mom isn't rich either. Do I begrudge those with rich parents? Hell, do I begrudge those who took a different path in life and make more money than I do? Nope. And I'm sorry but your kids are going to stop believing in Santa at some point and why does it matter if they realize life is unfair now or later? Because it doesn't matter what your kid's rich friend gets for Christmas; s/he is going to learn, eventually, that life isn't always fair and that there is a huge gap between the haves and have nots.

So that's why I don't like the commercial Christmas. I don't like any Christmas. And I hate that I look like an asshole because everyone comes out and texts me or Facebook messages me to say I'm in their thoughts and they hope I'm having a good day. My friends and family are fucking awesome and have known me long enough to not really reference the holiday. They want me to know they are thinking about me and they care about me and that is really sweet. Hell, my brother and his wife are born again Christians and neither one of them made it about the holiday, they just made it about family when they reached out from all the way in Abu Dhabi. But I still know it and it irritates me and I don't like it. It's just another day and I want to be left out of it. I've had so many well meaning people try to get me to participate in some event or another around Christmas because they don't want me to feel left out. What no one seems to consider is whether or not I want to participate. I don't. I'm happy to be on my own - or, in this case, with Bubbles - and just ignore the day.

And that makes me an asshole too, because it seems ungrateful. Unless I sell myself out and put my beliefs on a shelf, I feel like an asshole.

That is why I like to spend this day alone; no one needs to be around an asshole during their holidays. 

Thursday, December 11, 2014

You're Asking Me? Vol. 1

As I’ve mentioned before, BFF and I chat throughout the day via the wonderful world of gmail. She has a four year old and so, obviously, that is something we talk about quite a bit. BFF is a great mom but she’s an even greater human because she is completely honest about things. When she’s having some sort of trouble with the kiddo, she’ll tell me about it and tell me when she feels like she’s been a shit mom. I sometimes give her advice and whenever she says “that’s a really good idea”, I inform her that I made my fortune on my parenting books. Because I don’t have kids and I want her to know I realize I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Yesterday, she was telling me about another difficult bedtime and I gave her an idea she really liked and so I decided I’d start writing her my very own parenting book, just for her. But it was either make it into blog posts or take a few pieces of notebook paper and some brown grocery store bags and staple that shit together. So here is the first installment.

So You’re Bitch Ass Kid is Scared of the Dark

Apparently BFF’s daughter, like all little kids, is a fucking liar. The real issue is that she thinks she’ll miss something if she goes to bed when mommy and daddy are still awake but she lies and says she’s afraid of the dark. Or maybe she really is just a sissy, I don’t fucking know. So here is what I suggested to BFF.

  1. Either buy a new stuffed animal or find one the kid hasn’t cared about in awhile. BFF, like me, is cheap and lazy so she’ll probably go with the latter (there was some mention of a ferret so we are going to continue this list with the idea that you, too, are cheap and lazy and so you pick an animal the kid doesn’t care about anymore.)
  2. Tell the kid that the reason she hasn’t seen Flimsy the Ferret is because FF went away to security guard training. More specifically, FF has been trained as a night guard.
  3. Place a foot stool (or small kid’s chair, or a box, or whatthefuckever you have) next to the door and place Flimsy the Ferret on it, facing the punk ass little kid’s bed.
  4. “See NAME OF MY CHILD? Flimsy is going to sit here all night and make sure you are safe while you sleep. If anything happens, Flimsy will come get Mommy and Daddy.”
  5. In the morning, sneak in and place FF on his/her side and place a blanket over the motherfucker.
  6. Also place a note with the stuffed animal saying “night watch went well, nothing to report. See you tonight!”
  7. Get the kid up because you have to shove some breakfast into her face and you all have to get ready for daycare and work because you are poor like me and can’t afford to stay home or have a nanny.
  8. Point to the sleeping guard and bring the kid over to show her the note. Really little kids are too dumb to read so you’ll need to read it for her. Enjoy the wonderful awe and happiness and all that shit that your child displays.
  9. Go about your day.
  10. Before bedtime, before the kid goes into her room for bed, wake that mother fucker up and sit him back up on his post. Hide the note and fold the blanket and take both to our room.
  11. Repeat. If you have the energy and feel like really selling this, every so often place a dirty coffee cup by the animal so that in the morning you can show your kid that the guard takes his duty seriously and drinks coffee to stay awake.

The security guard stuffy doesn’t have to be a him any more than your kid needs to be a her. It’s just easier to stick to a single pronoun. I say this before any of you come at me all “not very feminist of you, Simply.” I don’t really care but I’m lazy and don’t want to have to deal with it on the off chance that someone wants to have an issue.

And honestly, that would be the dumbest thing to nitpick about this. Happy bedtimes!

Friday, December 5, 2014

Criming While White and Other Stupid Shit

Got Nothing to do with Nothing
You know what I hated in school? The emergency bus drills. Oh my god how I hated those. Other kids loved it because "yay! We get to jump out of the bus!" I pronate mother fucker, I fell to my knees every god damn time and dreaded that shit because I didn't know enough to sit my ass down and climb out. I guess I'd have died if there was ever an actual emergency on the bus.

Really? Look, I'm not going to say how I feel about the recent grand jury decisions either way because it doesn't matter but this shit pissed me off. Thank you white people, thank you for talking about shit you got away with because you are white! Not only are you rubbing it in to minorities that you have 'white privilege', you are essentially saying "black people cannot speak for themselves on this issue and be taken seriously so let the whites talk now." Seriously, when I saw this, I thought it had to be a joke because what the ever loving fuck? Your white guilt narcissism isn't helping a god damn thing.

I'm really tired of white guilt from the idiots who talk about it. Look, the first person to be born in this country in my family is my mother. She was here during the Civil Rights movement and I'm afraid to ask her about it for fear she was racist. But the rest of my family was Iceland, Greece, and Lithuania. As far as I know, we never owned a slave. As I know damn well, I've never been racist. I feel guilt for nothing.

That does not mean I don't hate the fact that black men have to be careful about keeping their hands out of their pockets, if they wear a hoodie keep the hood down, etc. That is awful, horrifying, and disappointing. But you know what? I have nothing to say to tie myself to it. I have nothing to say, I have no desire to try and say, anything about the cause of white police officers shooting unarmed black men. Because I am not black. Because I have no power to change things other than by voting and signing petitions with the hope that they will do something.

Get over it, white people. If you want to feel guilt, do so privately because you aren't helping anyone with your hash tags and your slactivsm. But I would like you to tell me how many black friends you have to prove you aren't racist.

FB Nudity
So Facebook has a totally different concept of nudity than the rest of the world. The Bat and I run a fetish page and yesterday we had a picture taken down and the Bat, who is the administrator of the page, was told we would be taken down for nudity if not careful. I say that Facebook has a different definition because there was no nudity in the picture, but really what I mean is that Facebook doesn't care and the minute they receive a complaint, they act. There are people out there who apparently just go to sites, pick pictures, and report them in an attempt to get them shut down. Why? No one is asking you, specifically, to look at this site. If you don't like it, don't look. Worried about your children? Monitor their online time. But for fuck's sake, if you are going to report a picture, can you at least report one that is a tiny bit questionable? I should report every god damn religious based site for posting offensive content because I'm an atheist.

I probably could, too, since Facebook doesn't look at what is being reported but just removes it and threatens the page owner.

Dear God
I was about to end this with a "and that's it folks" sentence but heard a commercial for what I'm assuming is a weight loss thing, either pills, diet program, or gym. I wasn't paying attention so I don't know but I dude, they are totally called what sounds like "New Genics". Can we say eugenics? Wow. 

Wednesday, November 26, 2014


Not Even Obligatory
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, a time when we are all supposed to sit around, shove as much food as possible into our faces, and talk about what we are grateful for. I actually like this holiday (though I'm really glad that no one on my Facebook feed did that 30 days of Gratitude bullshit like last year; we are meant to be grateful every day and NO1CURR so shut up about it). See that parenthetical aside? Notice how I just created my own snare and was caught by it? Because I'm going to write about things I'm grateful for the day before Thanksgiving.

I am grateful that Johan waited for me before he died, that he came out and lay under his water bottles so I'd see him. I'm so happy I was there with him when it happened, even though it tore me up inside and I was inconsolable and, at times, incomprehensible (see J, the Bat, and my mother for proof). I would have hated it if he'd died whilst being boarded at the vet because I would spend the rest of my life assuming he thought I took him there because I didn't want him anymore and didn't care if he died with strangers. Even though he was a guinea pig with a tiny brain and wouldn't have thought that all, really. I'm just so grateful that I was there with him and that he came out to say goodbye to me. I am also grateful to the Bat for letting me bury Johan in one of the gardens I planted at the house. I absolutely could not just throw my precious little pigglepants into the dumpster.

I am grateful that I am living in my apartment with my cat. I like living on my own and this place is perfect for me even if it is in the semi ghetto, the hot water is iffy, and my kitchen drawer broke. It's the right size and has a nice set up, and just feels right. I have my privacy again. I have all the alone time that I need. It's like having my teenage bedroom back only this time I can put a lock on the door and no one can come in unless I say so.

I am grateful for my friends, old and new. I have old ones, like Austin, someone I've known for over a decade and with whom I still have asinine text conversations with. Newer ones, like Tits, who helped me out so much when I was moving from Ohio to Texas and who can make me laugh until I think I'm going to pee. Brand new ones like Spectero, who is as awkward and socially self-doubtful as myself, and Bruce, who has invited me to Thanksgiving with him, his husband, and their friends. I have so many friends that love me and care for me and I'm happy to say that there are too many to list without feeling bad about leaving them out.

I am grateful that J and I are friends again and that I got to visit him in Ohio. Talking again has lifted a tremendous amount of weight off of us both and we are both eternally grateful that we accidentally bumped into one another online. We had a great time visiting and keep in touch regularly. If you've read this blog you'll know that our not talking, that those two years of silence just killed me. I have always been grateful to know J and I'm over the moon that he is my friend again.

I am grateful for my family, my good health, my employment and just so much. This has been an interesting year and although there are some things I wish I could change, I try to just focus on the good parts, like Bubbles returning to her normal self and getting my favorite parking spot. No matter how big or small, I know that I'm a lucky girl and that I have so, so much to be thankful for.

End blog post full of feels. Gobble Gobble.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Goodnight Johan

I have neglected this blog for so long and have so many good things to write about but all I want to talk about right now is this: DEAD.

I had an optometry appointment this afternoon. It seemed to last forever and when I got home, I took Johan out of his cage and sectioned him off so I could clean his home. He was fine. When I put him in his fresh new cage he was fine. 60 to 90 minutes later I found him laying under his water bottles (he has two because of his drinking problem). He NEVER lays there. NEVER. If he is out of his pigloo, Johan lays in the far right corner of his cage, directly across from his water bottles but not underneath them.

What's more, he was laying on his side, another thing I'd never seen him do.

I petted him. He was warm but he didn't respond. I rustled the hay. He did not respond. I went into the kitchen to get a piece of pepper to put in front of him. He did not respond.

I watched Johan die. You have no clue how hard I wept. I texted the Bat when I realized what was happening and then I called J, sobbing and wailing and carrying on. We spoke for I don't know how long. I wanted him to know because he knew Johan and knew what he meant to me. The Bat's reaction was "how do you know? Pick him up?" J's reaction was "I'm so sorry, honey, I wish I was there to take care of this for you." It isn't that the Bat is a bad guy, he just doesn't have the same history with Johan.

Johan. Johan the Destruktor. That's true as he destroyed my heart. I loved him so much and he'd been there through so much, even if he never took any notice.

It's going to take some time before I wake and walk towards the bathroom, expecting to hear him squeak at me. It's going to take time before I stop hearing him shuffling around in his bedding, burbling, occasionally pop corning, being his usual happy self. It's going to take so god damn long before I stop expecting to hear him. Even when I stay at other places I wake up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and expect to hear him. And I'm going to see where I kept his cage, even though I threw out everything but one that belonged to him. I'm going to find hay and it is going to kill me.

I started crying and did not stop for three hours. Even then it kept coming at times.

I don't care. I don't fucking care what anyone thinks of me. Yes, it was *just* a guinea pig, but it was my fucking guinea pig and I loved him so much. I loved him. He was my surly little asshole. He was my buddy. He was there all the time.

And now he's not. So fuck you if you think I'm over reacting. We all have something and I always knew, from the moment I got my guinea pig, that he would be it.

What is left of my already shattered heart is in tatters. I love you Johan the Destruktor. And I always will. Thank you for coming out to say goodbye to me. Thank you for letting me have a chance to say goodbye to you. 

Monday, November 3, 2014

More Awesome Texting With Austin

Austin: "Got your facebook message. I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable liking that. I don't like any pages on fb except for ones work requires me to like."

Simply: "Totally understandable."

Simply: "I mean, uh, we are no longer friends. That's the right reaction, yes?"

Austin: "Yes, it's been a good 12years. Well, nice knowing you. Have a good life."

Simply: "What happened to your friend, Austin? He wouldn't like my fetish Facebook page so I trashed 12 years of friendship."

Austin: "Oh wow. Yeah. Nuff said."

Simply: "You ask one possibly compromising favor and what do you get? Amirite?"

Austin: "You think you know people."

Simply: "I know! It's like my former friend Tina. I asked her to help me with one virgin sacrifice and se was all 'I'm not comfortable with that. And the girl is 13!' Like she even knew the kid!"

Austin: "lol"

Simply: "That would be an epic story though. 'Yeah, Simply wouldn't stay friends with me over a Facebook thing.'"
Austin: "If I had to write an obituary for our friendship, I'd want to go out like that."

Simply: "Def."

Austin: "No drift apart or that shit for us."

Simply: "And I'd delete the site and make a new one to raise money for MS so you'd look like a dick."

Austin: "lol you didn't want to give money to friends of MS Irving Chapter? You are an asshole, man."

Austin: "I swear that wasn't the original link."

Simply: "Dude, she has MS. What the fuck, you couldn't even like the page? Who are you?"

Simply: "Sure it was. And Tiny Tim had the cane for attention."

Austin: "Actual lol."

Simply: "So MS and crippled children are funny now? My god, Austin, THAT? That is the legacy you want to leave behind?"

Austin: "I imagine friends who don't even know you ditching me for you. 'You know, I work with you and all but I'm going to start texting Simply."

Simply: "Dude, that was fucked up. I messaged Simply and she's a sweet girl. How could you shit on her when she faces such struggles?"

Simply: "Did you seriously send her a bunch of wheelchair pictures saying 'see you soon'?"

Austin: "It as supposed to be ironic. Jeez."

Simply: "You know this is all going on my blog right?"

A Quick Upate

Short Lived
But it was nice whilst it lasted. So I met that guy on a dating site and he's awesome. He has a great personality and he made laugh really hard in person and via text. Unfortunately, I didn't feel that romantic spark and so had to end it. I realized this when we met up on Saturday and confirmed it when we had lunch on Sunday. I told him today and I felt horrible about it. But of course he took it in stride because he's awesome. I'm bummed that the chemistry was there because he was so nice and complimented me all the time. He's affectionate and ambitious and just a really great guy. But what can you do? I think I'll take a bit of time before I try again. Slap in the face, honestly, because seriously? This guy is perfect and I just feel nothing.

Facebook Page
I'm not going to link it here because you people do not need to know about the site but the Bat and I co edit a Facebook page and it's been an interesting hobby. I've learned all sorts of things about editing photos and can now do that thing where the photo is black and white with a single color (thank you Light Room and dude who made that YouTube video). I've also learned how to watermark the photos he and I take so that if anyone takes them from the site, they will bear our site's name. I plan on going back through and updating the photos already on the page but it's a pain in the ass. I like that the Bat and I get along well enough that we can do this and that I have a new hobby that is causing me to learn new things. I always wondered how people made certain photos and now I'm one of those people. Go me!

Hi Ho, Hi Ho
Because I am not that bright, I had to put in two requests today to get access to shit I need to test some projects. I asked KC and the Sunshine Band, who is now my lead, if she had anything for me and she gave me the best task. I'm taking sections from a document and comparing them to what our process really is so that we have a client facing document. Yeah, you don't need to know what that all means. The fun of it is that I get to both edit the former document to correct small mistakes and get to use my detail oriented little mind to make sure things are absolutely correct. And, as I told KC, it got all types of dorky up in here when I ran a process and it did exactly what it was supposed to (if you run a request for a member who is not in the database, a record will be inserted into the database and it worked!)

My commute is better these days, although I'm pretty sure I got lucky with the homeward trip because usually the LBJ is all types of fucked up. But the morning commute is usually great because I leave so god damn early. I'm saving money on gas because the trip is shorter, which is awesome, although I filled up on Saturday for $2.55 a gallon, the likes of which I have not seen in fucking ages.

Just a quick update on my car. The Bat put my Texas license plates on for me and now I have trouble identifying my car at home. There are legit at least four cars (including mine) that are silver and look like my damned car so now that I have Texas plates, I have a tendency to get confused and go to the wrong one. Oy. I have, however, gotten used to the brakes and only hard brake on the rare occasion.

Also in car news, I sold my Saturn! I can't tell you what a fucking relief that was! This young kid came to test drive it and he said he had $1,400 on him and it sounded like he was going to say he could get the other hundred (by this point it had been listed at $1,500) but since he had cash and he reminded me of Upstairs Kid, I was fine, especially since $1,400 was my goal. But my GOD it took forever to sell that shit.

And there you have it, a quick update on my life. The Bat's birthday is on Friday but I probably won't see him. I gave him a kickass present early so he totally owes me for my own birthday. That will be interesting.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Well What Do You Know, Online May be Fine

I started talking to a guy on the dating website who originally messaged me discussing my profile. We ended up messaging back and forth and texting back and forth for the entire afternoon and into the evening. We did this for a couple of days and then I met up with him this afternoon.

Before we met up, he told me that he would be honest and if he didn't feel anything, he would let me know. I figured that was just fine and really nice of him so that I wouldn't have to sit and wait to find out how he felt.

So we met up at a Starbucks. I was nervous and the nerves were doubled because I never leave my office building so don't know where anything is or, if I go out to lunch, someone else drives. But I got there and he'd already arrived so I said hello and whatever you say at the beginning of a conversation when you meet someone in real life for the first time. We ended up talking for at least 90 minutes, sharing anecdotes and laughing a ton. My friend, Bruce, immed me as soon as I was back in the office and said that it must have went well if you were gone two hours.

Remember how I said online dating is an ego boost because guys tell you you are pretty, beautiful, etc? I told this guy that I was worried he'd be disappointed when he met me in person even though the pictures he's seen on the site are all current. Well, when I got back to the office, I texted him to let him know I didn't die on the way back and he said "I still think you are a beautiful woman." I said "thank you" and then, because I'm an awkward jackass, I texted "wait, is that like 'I think you are a beautiful woman but..."

He would like to see me again. And I would like to see him again. We are definitely going to take it slow though. We'll see.

Interesting Development
So remember how the Bat was setting up a new relationship whilst still fucking me? Did I mention that I sent the chick a message to say "just FYI, he's been fucking someone else." Then Bat told me he'd told her everything so I sent another message apologizing for the intrusion and that the Bat had informed me he'd told her everything. Well, who do you think sent me a Facebook message today? Yep. And she told me that the Bat told her everything but he didn't say that he was still having sex with me. She then said (and I'm paraphrasing because the way she wrote it is cringe worthy) "The thing is that I don't know if you are being honest. Jealous women can lie and be conniving. I don't mean to be rude but there is that." I told her I understood, especially as she didn't know me and because I couldn't prove it. We chatted a bit more going back and forth and then just wished one another well.

When I got back to the office, I emailed the Bat and told him. He said that he did tell her but that she must not have listened and he didn't care what she thought. He apparently read my post about the four A's of dating and took them to heart, which is kind of cool and I know Bruce would love to know that they are getting spread so far and wide. Oh, and I apologized to the Bat for messing things up with him and that girl but he said he didn't care because she didn't really fit in with his four A's.

Interesting turn of events these days, eh? 

Monday, October 27, 2014

Online Not So Fine

Oh the joys of online dating. I'm not really even sure why dating sites have you fill out a profile to be honest. Very few people seem to read them so instead of men between the ages of 35 and 40 contacting me, I get 58 year old dudes complimenting me on my eyes and asking if I want to chat, 47 year old medics sending me their phone numbers so we can text, and on an on. One of my particular favorites was a guy who, after we'd talked quite a bit and established that I was not interested in dating him, offered to set me up with a threesome. Seriously, that happened. Oh, and I was going to meet this guy on Sunday for coffee but I asked him on Friday to tell me a little bit about himself because you can only get so much information from a profile. He eventually got back to me Saturday evening saying "I want you..." Needless to say, I've blocked him. 

I will say this for the online thing though - it is quite the ego boost. I get all kinds of men telling me that I am beautiful and that's rad as hell. I do, however, like the guys who comment on my profile when they contact me so that I know they've read it. Otherwise I get 20 somethings or guys with kids or, as I said, really old dudes. And it will never cease to amaze me that guys think they can send a message of just "hey, sexy" and think my panties are going to drop off then and there. I guess that works with some women but really? I've had guys say things like "Hello, beautiful. I found your profile interesting and hope to get to know you better. Message me back if you are interested." That's OK because he mentions that he read my profile. So much better than just "hey gorgeous" and no content of any merit.

Some of the guys are nice and I've had a few good conversations. I've not set up any dates or anything because I want to take it nice and slow and make sure I'm really interested. But all in all, I hate online dating as much as I hate real life dating (well, maybe less so since with the online thing I'm hidden behind my computer and dude doesn't have my phone number). But what else do you do when you are 33/almost 34 and single? I don't attend church, doubt I'll meet a guy at the grocery store, and don't go out much because I don't know a great deal of people yet. 

I just figure I'll plug along and live my life and eventually meet someone. I certainly hope so. But that poor bastard is really going to have to prove to me that he's worth me because I'm done with bad relationships.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Honesty, Evasion, Stupidity

Some time ago, I mentioned that my mother said that I picked poor choices in men because I'm a people pleaser and I admitted that she was right. Last night I realized that I'm also too forgiving, too hopeful, and give too much benefit of the doubt to people and so I end up getting angry, hurt, disappointed, or annoyed.

I'm not sure how to change either of those things, the people pleasing or the hopeful/forgiving/benefit of the doubt giving. It's basically saying I need to readjust a big part of my personality and how the fuck do you do that? I think I may just need to be less trusting and gullible. I think I mentioned how I was talking to my friends during a girls' night and they said that when you date people are so fake. Dumbass over here realized that yeah, that's true. But the thing is, I'm always my authentic self, warts and all, and so I guess I assumed other people would be as well. That is among the dumbest things I've ever said, right up there with "I figured they were interested in what I had to say" when, after my separation, I realized men looked at me differently.

I don't want to be the sort of person who just never trusts anyone ever. An ex boyfriend of mine was like that and it was frustrating as hell. But I guess I need to be wary at the beginning, when I first meet a guy, and once things are going well, just sort of keep vigilant so that I don't get fucked over. But then, what if they are fucking you over and you have no clue? The Bat had been talking to that chick for two weeks and I had no inclination whatsoever that he was dating or pursuing anybody. I found out by complete accident and was so horrified that I freaked out. I got over it, eventually, and we started being friends again and I trusted what he told me only to find out that he either lied or just withheld information that he knew I'd want to know, that he ought to have shared with me.

Because I'm an idiot. I trusted him and assumed that he really did feel bad about hurting me and that he'd be really careful not to do it again. Then again, he doesn't really owe me anything. But even if you are my friend, I expect you to be truthful with me and not evasive because "you didn't ask" or simply not responding to a text is not a get out of jail free card. It's a shady way of acting and individuals who do that sort of thing know it is shady behavior so they kind of feel a bit bad already and then they just look like shitty individuals for doing it.

But I also shouldn't expect people to be as honest as I am. I'm way too honest in some respects. There is no reason I had to tell the Bat that Bubbles had shit on the dining room table since I cleaned it up before anyone was home but for some reason, I felt I had to tell him. I remember my friend Mouse once telling me that I didn't have to be too honest with J because I would tell him about conversations we had that included him (we were not gossiping meanly behind his back or anything, just laughing at something he did that he, too, had laughed at). I also need to pull back on that honesty because it's more over sharing than anything else.

So it is a conundrum and one I really need to start working on. Because I don't want to let people hurt but I also don't want to assume they are always going to disappoint me. And, I really don't want to be that obnoxious over sharer when NO1CURR. We'll see how it goes because it'll take me awhile to figure this out.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

How to Set Up Wifi in Your New Place

Step 1
First, you want to find the shittiest provider you possibly can. If you are lucky, your apartment complex will be contracted to said shittiest provider and so that part of the work will be done for you. Of course, this will depend on your area or region but we'll have to use my experience as an example. We'll call my provider Wime Tarner, to protect the company's privacy.

Step 2
Call shitty provider to set up service and request an appointment. Get through the process and to the point where they have to verify your social security number only to be told that they cannot process your order because there is a pending one under your name, SSN, or phone number.

Step 3
Call the customer service line that the first guy gave you. Explain the situation and listen to the girl on the other end of the line kind of titter and pretty much admit that she has no idea what you are talking about. Have her transfer you to tech support (do not question this, just let her do it). Please note that whenever you talk to anyone, you will be asked for your address to see if there is service there under your name, regardless of the fact that you are trying to set up service for that address for the first time.

Step 4
Talk to the tech support guy and explain the whole situation again. Have him type in your phone number and social to have him tell you that there is a pending order under your name, SSN, or phone number and that he cannot get you hooked up. Wait patiently while he transfers you to billing.

Step 5
Once you get the billing chick on the line, proceed to once again explain your issue and have her repeat things back to you. Make sure to give her your phone number at least three times and explain to her the issue at least twice. This way, when she suddenly feels confident, she'll be able to tell you what the issue is as if she just figured it out. Then wait while she gets her manager.

Step 6
Have the billing chick make noises that clearly demonstrate that she was fucking shit up and she just figured it out. Give her your phone number again, as well as your social security number.  Go through everything one last time and then have the manager push through the order and schedule a guy to come out a week later between 3 and 4PM.

Step 7
Leave work 2 hours early the day of to make sure you are home when the guy calls you. That was smart because even though he wasn't due until 3-4, he calls you at 2:20 and says he'll be there in five minutes.

Step 8
Spend the next 90 minutes watching the guy go in and out of your apartment and make numerous calls before he puts you on with dispatch who explains that he cannot hook up your service because the lines are buried/cannot be found. When you first get the phone, stand up from the chair in which you'd been seated and damn near collapse because your leg fell asleep. Swear at the lady twice and then explain that you'd almost fallen three times because your leg was numb. Demand that the lady confirm that you can expect the people to come out the next day between 8 and 10 AM as that is what she said. Once confirmed, tell dude peace, and text someone you work with to send out a notice that you will be in late the next day.

Step 9
Next day, putter around the apartment waiting for the Wime Tarner people to show up. Make a sandwich for lunch, take care of your pets, and finish yet another book you've been reading because you don't have internet. When no one shows up by ten, take your work stuff (forgetting your lunch) and get in your car to call Wime Tarner.

Step 10
Verify for the recording lady that the phone number she has is correct. Have her then inform you that you have an appointment scheduled for the next day between 5 and 6 PM. Near tears of rage, scream "representative."

Step 11
Explain the situation to "Mike", the customer rep and ask what the fuck is going on. Pay attention to the road and not your anger when "Mike" tells you that your appointment today was canceled and no, he doesn't know why you weren't informed. Then find out that there are two appointments for the next day, only one of which you have to be there for, and that you will get $20 off since they fucked up their installation guarantee. Also find out that you will get $20 off each time they fuck up.

Step 12
Apologize to "Mike" several times and make sure he knows that your anger isn't directed at him but that this has been a very frustrating process.

Step 13
Complete your commute in angry silence, park, make a note of where you parked since it isn't your usual area, and walk, still fuming, into the building.

Step 14
Tell everyone about the fiasco and cross every finger and toe you have that you will have mother fucking internet by 7PM Thursday at the latest.

Step 15
Google bars in your area so that you have something to do tonight since you have to cancel girls' night and are tired of being in your wireless-less apartment.

Step 16
Write a blog post about it in hopes of having it calm you down.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Moving on Up

Well, not entirely. The area I've moved to is half seedy and half trying to be nice suburban. There are shopping centers with large, clean grocery stores but also pawn shops and, oddly, a place that purports to sell seafood and hot wings. Seriously, "Seafood and Hot Wings." I don't know why but that just strikes me as a very odd combination.

I also see/hear the police more often than I'd like. Then again, I also saw a young girl, no older than 12, riding her bicycle unaccompanied so it can't be that bad, right? And I was able to buy my gun back so I feel safe enough.

The apartment itself is perfect for me. The rooms are somewhat small but for a single girl and her pets, what more do you need? I get tons of light from the balcony, which Bubbles really enjoys, and I can do my laundry whenever I want in my own washer and dryer. The Bat commented that I'd had that for months because I lived with him but it's not the same. I've never lived on my own with my own washer and dryer. I tried it out yesterday and it took me awhile to figure out how to turn the washer on but I got it eventually. The appliances are all old but they'll do, especially since I won't be using many of them very often. I've learned that I have to wait some time before restarting the dryer if my items aren't fully dried and that my stove runs hot so I need to put it a few degrees lower than a recipe calls for. And although I have a dishwasher, I'm pretty much just using it as a drying rack (so I need to remember to get my things out of there and put them away.)

I've been there since Thursday, without access to the internet, but I've powered through by setting things up and reading. It was a goddamn nightmare trying to order wireless and I literally had to speak with six different people before the order could be put through. I'll leave work at 1:30 today so that I'll be at my place when the guy arrives because I'm not missing my damned appointment after waiting so long. I did cheat and use my phone a bit but my data plan is shitty so I tried to shy away from doing that. Mainly I just read and texted people. Oh, and hung out with Bruce and his husband on Saturday. Bruce and I even came up with this awesome blog idea, one that we will never actually do, but which would be hilarious.

The Bat's day porter got sick and couldn't help with the move so it was just the two of us and we both hurt our backs. I thought that was special. We both really felt it yesterday and even though I was dead tired, I had a ton of trouble sleeping and staying asleep. Ended up getting to the office at 6:30 this morning and can't get enough of people telling me I look tired.

Oh, I mentioned Bubbles enjoying the sunlight. She's doing way better now that she is in my place. Instead of hanging out in one spot all the time, she runs around, comes and gets me when she's hungry or just wants loves, and has been her old self, which is a relief. Today is my first day back at work so hopefully she isn't peeing on everything because of separation anxiety or anything. Johan, of course, is perfectly fine and couldn't care less as long as I keep him in hay.

As for me? I'm happy. I like my place and like it all the more every time I put things away or straighten things up. I need to start hitting thrift stores so that I can slowly begin gathering nicer items but for now, it will do. I bought a mattress pad for my bed because I got used to the Bat's temperpedic-esque mattress and didn't want to feel every spring in mine. It's lovely and super comfortable, which is great since I don't have a couch yet, just wooden dining room chairs and two decorative chairs that I don't think you are really supposed to sit on. Oh, and my patio site, of course, but then, all that light means it's really warm in the afternoons so I don't want to sit out there.

My legs are all banged up and I'm super tired today but my commute is shorter, I'm on my own, and I'm pleased with how things are coming together. And I'm due to get internet today so how could I even consider a bad mood? 

Thursday, October 9, 2014


You know what I'm surprisingly bad about at times? Expressing myself appropriately or thinking things through before I say them. With regards to not expressing myself appropriately, I end up sounding like an idiot and sending email after email trying to clarify what it is I meant. One of my ex boyfriends and I used to get in huge fights because he would never talk on the phone and then he'd take something I sent in a text or email wrong and no matter how much I tried to explain, he'd just call me a liar and decide that I meant what he thought. That was awesome.

Worse is the not thinking things through. This has happened twice (at least) with the Bat and I just now did it, which is what gave me the idea for this post. Today I made a joke and it was so tasteless and ill advised given the history between me and the Bat that I should have known it would come off as hurtful. That's something that just tears me up when it happens, my hurting someone when I had no intention to.

Because I don't like to hurt people. Sure, if you hurt me and we are arguing I will make a few digs but I generally don't go for the jugular and I certainly don't try to wound when I'm just joking around. Hurting someone with malice is terrible and doing it by accident is ... I don't even know. When I do it I end up feeling ashamed, stupid, and like the person I hurt will never, ever believe that I didn't mean it. I'm a smart girl but I fuck things up on occasion because I fail to think them through. But when you are a smart and sarcastic person, I can imagine it must be difficult to believe you when you say "I didn't mean it!" after you've said something that offended the other party.

I'm also disappointed because he and I were finally getting along and were chatting back and forth and then I put my foot in it. So I broke down our relations and upset somebody.

And I hear you out there, telling me not to be upset considering how much he has hurt me in the past. But that doesn't matter. Just because you hurt me doesn't mean I have any desire to hurt you, especially if we are getting along.

I feel like an ass.

Callous, that's what it is. I was callous and thoughtless and just spit out a remark without thinking for a moment and my god why do I do things like that? 

Oh my god! I just realized that if the Bat and I were in opposite sides of all that has happened, I would be sitting here thinking he was getting along with me and chatting with me just waiting for the right time to throw something really mean and hurtful at me. How is it that I do things like that? It wasn't subconscious or anything, it just was a terrible error in judgment based on peoples' names. God I'm dumb 

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Trading Down

So, now that I've totally burned bridges with the Bat, I can talk about something that helped me get over the whole "he told me he wasn't going to date or start things while I was in his house and then he started things while I was not only in his house but he was fucking me" thing.

Some girls do this. I'm not going to say we all do as I've never done it before, but some do. BFF and I looked up his new girlfriend's Facebook and we seriously thought it must be a joke. So here are some details about the Bat's newest sex toy.

  1. She has a really cute one year old.
  2. She is in her late twenties.
  3. She was recently let off probation and so is no longer a felon (birds of a feather).
  4. She fucking loves weed man.
  5. She has bad tattoos.
  6. She likes anything with a rose on it because that is her middle name.
  7. She spent about three years as an independent wrestler and is now a dog groomer.
  8. She likes skin tight, loudly patterned dresses when she goes out.
  9. She lives with family (she only moved to Texas in August so maybe she's just trying to get on her feet).
  10. She didn't mind that a guy was setting up a relationship with her whilst he was fucking his ex girlfriend who lived with him.
  11. She uses the term "hun".
  12. She was married in either March of this year or last year but I guess that didn't stick. I'm not holding that against her but dude, if it was this year, kind of early isn't it? But different strokes for different folks.
I honestly think this will be a good relationship for the Bat. He will either be smarter than her or on par with her intelligence and he used to get weirdly defensive at odd times with me. Sorry, I'm smart and I'm not going to dumb myself down. They both love weed. They both have sordid pasts. Neither pursued higher education (which is fine). They both have questionable morals when it comes to sexual relationships. They clearly have the same level of respect for women. Neither is very ambitious or career oriented (again, totally fine). The only troubling issue is the tattoos because the Bat does not like tattoos. But I'm sure they can smoke a bowl and he'll get over it. Oh, and she, too, is originally from California.

Now, I'm not a super model and I'm not perfect but here is what I brought:
  1. No criminal record.
  2. I have a grown up job with a 401K.
  3. No trashy tattoos.
  4. I'm smart enough to make my Facebook page private (cause if ex girlfriends can find you, potential employers can too)
  5. I may dress poorly (well, that's behind me) but you would never call my taste trashy (cause elderly/frumpy is so much better).
  6. I'm a smart girl and I have a BA which means I have ambition.
  7. I am very driven in my work.
  8. I own TWO cars (OK, that actually sucks and someone needs to buy one of these).
  9. No criminal record.
  10. I can afford to live on my own and am just gnawing at the bit to get the fuck out of here.
  11. I have standards and will not mess with a guy who is messing with another girl, I don't care if they are together, friends with benefits or what.
So I have nothing against this girl other than her not giving a shit that the Bat was fucking someone and setting shit up with her but let's face it, if you could medal in trading down, the Bat got the fucking gold.

I think these two will be happy together and that is all that matters. I don't really care what happens to the Bat although I certainly do not wish him ill in any way since he has a kid and a family that loves him. If this is what he is into, go for it. But honestly, both BFF and I have thought "is this a joke" and "this must just be a sexual relationship set up because really?"

And yes, if it had turned out that new girlfriend was super hot and accomplished, I would be feeling like shit. Who knew I'd actually come out feeling better? For one, he is a lying, hypocritical, hurtful on purpose piece of shit. For two, I'm kind of embarrassed that I spent a year with this guy given his taste.

Feeling Pretty & Learning New Rules

Dress Me Up
So far today I've been told I look beautiful, stunning, and like I just walked out of Chanel. Who knew that taking some damn time and caring about how you look would make such a difference. The Bat actually gets some kudos for this because he told me few weeks ago that I needed to get new clothes and to dress my age. "You're 33, not 63." And he was right so I can't fault him. I do dress like an old woman for work and really boring at home (almost all of my play clothes shirts are solid colors and black). So yesterday I pulled myself together, got dressed up and put on some makeup and headed to an inexpensive store where I purchased four work dresses and one badass fancy red dress for when I go on a fancy date one day. This morning I woke up 20 minutes early and put on makeup (well, also to get out of the house earlier to try and beat traffic) and spent more than 5 minutes on my appearance. When I got to work, one of my friends said "how are you at taking compliments?" I said "uhm, OK I guess." and he responded with "you look beautiful today."

Talk about an ego boost! I used to dress well and wear makeup but I guess I stopped for some reason years ago. But now, while I'm not going to go broke buying myself new clothes, I am going to make an effort if only when I'm going to be seen by other people. READ: Once I'm living in my new apartment we can go back to sweatpants or no pants if I don't plan on going anywhere.

So kudos to the Bat for lighting a fire under my ass. But fuck him for telling me I was chubby just to screw with me awhile ago. That shit still ain't cute (though it did lead to the clothing discussion). And after work I'll run to Target and grab a few cute tanktops for my off hours since it is still eleven billion degrees in Texas.I figure I'll spend more money on work clothes than play clothes for right now and just be really thoughtful with what I buy - and actually try it on.

Four A's of Dating
OK, new nickname time. I have a friend at work that I take smoke breaks with and he cracks me up (he's the one who said I looked like I'd just walked out of Chanel) and we, for some reason, bag on Gywenth Paltrow a lot (no disrespect meant by the spelling of her name; I just don't know how to spell it and I am too lazy to look). We also keep trying to find celebrities to follow because we're like that. I'll call him Liberace until he IMs me back with a preferred nickname.

So we went out for a smoke and we were talking about dating and he laid out the Four A's of Dating, something I'd never heard about. Maybe you haven't either so here you go.
  1. Available. Not only should you both be totally single, neither one of you should be hung up on a past partner (see my last post about people who really need to move on). So physically and emotionally available.
  2. Affluent. This doesn't mean wealthy but you should have similar socioeconomic backgrounds and career focus. I think that's what he said. It sort of made sense at the time.
  3. Appropriate. You should only date people you wouldn't be ashamed of meeting your friends or family. His analogy was dating some 22 year old because people would look at him like "mid life crisis much?" Makes sense.
  4. Attraction. Both parties should be physically and emotionally attracted to one another or it just won't work. 
 Makes a lot of sense when you think about it. The Bat and I were attracted to one another physically but that's about all we ever had going for us. Well, we come from similar socioeconomic backgrounds but our jobs are very different and I think we have very different career goals/ambition. And it is totally OK that we really only had the physical attraction thing going for us because we had a lot of fun together for awhile there. Plus, it's always good to learn new things about people and about how men might view me so yay for learning.

Now, when I start dating again, I have some things to keep in mind. But I won't be jumping back into the game as fast as Bruce would like (that was the name my friend picked after he said "Super Happy, With it Gay Friend") because I still need to get out of the house and get myself settled and just focus on me. 

Besides, I still have some shopping to do.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Build a Bridge Dude.

You know what I don't get? I liked this page on Facebook called something like "I'm Done with Your Betrayal and Deceit" because, you know, my most current ex is a total douche bag. And I like the page for some of its memes and its purpose but god damn are these people bitter.

Yes, I was incredibly upset for a couple of days when I found out that the Bat has a new girlfriend but then I got over it. I have some remarkable friends who support and love me. I've also wanted out of this house since freaking March or April and haven't really liked the Bat that much so why the hell should it bother me? Other than being lied to and used of course. Whatever, I'm stupid but he's an asshole. Live and learn.

But this Facebook page is so bitter at times and makes it sound like the world is only filled with assholes, love is a myth, and you should probably just reup your subscription to whatever premium porn site you like. I mean, they have nicer things than that but a lot of it is just really sad. And a lot of the commenters are bitter and dejected and clearly hung up on an ex so it's really kind of sad. Part of me thinks I might want to unfollow it because dude, that isn't me at all. Sure, right now I think men are misogynists who use women willy nilly and I have no use for them and can't wait till it's just me and the animals, but eventually I'll be sitting at a bar and some good looking guy will start chatting with me and I'll end up in a loving, healthy relationship with someone who deserves me and who I deserve.

No offense but get the fuck over it. If the person hurt you that much s/he is a cunt and you are way better off without him/her. Also, get a hobby and stop bitching about it on a public Facebook page.

A Different Ex
As I mentioned some time ago, J, my ex husband, recently contacted me. Man was that emotional. He was all types of nice to me and apologized for shit like not taking any responsibility for our divorce and treating me badly when we moved to Ohio, and just all sorts of stuff. Eventually I told him to quit apologizing and that I felt bad. He said  wasn't allowed to feel bad for his feeling bad for hurting me so I told him he could go ahead and keep feeling like a dickhole and I'd make stuff up if he wanted. Since then we've just talked every day, mainly by text, and it's been fantastic. I'm even flying out in November to see him. Sure, we'll never be more than good friends, but I never stopped caring for him and he's always been one of my favorite people. He still makes me laugh just like he always did ad I like hearing about his adventures in dating. He's currently seeing a new girl and he literally told me "she thinks I'm smart and funny and I like that she thinks that" which made me giggle. He was serious but it was funny because it was such an honest thing to say.

He's also been really helpful with my current situation and has offered me some perspective or, you know, basically just said "I'm sorry this happened. No, you aren't a jerk and you don't deserve this you just have a bad history with men who treat you badly. You aren't a Cunt Magnet." That was nice to hear because I asked him what the hell it was about me that led men to put me at the bottom of their priority lists and to just be hurtful. Sounds like I just have really poor taste. Although, let's be fair, J wasn't that bad of a guy, things just didn't work out.

I really look forward to visiting him and getting to be in Ohio during the fall because Texas sucks at Autumn. Also, he and I are going to get dressed up and go to one of the yuppie restaurants in his neighborhood. There we will order the cheapest appetizer to share and drink the cheapest of wine. Because we are weird people who like going to places and whispering about how we totally don't belong there. I'll also get to introduce him to Tits and we will all go to the casino in the early evening like the Bob Evan's early bird special people that we are.

So there you have it. That's where I am. Bounced back quickly didn't I?

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Open Letter to Myself

Get it together, Simply. What are you so upset about? Let's look at the person who hurt you.

He is a 37 year old man whose main confidant is his 15 year old daughter. That is his peer group actually, kids his daughter's age because after his divorce, he shut everything down and just focused on his kid. That part is awesome, the focusing on his kid. But it's like he never grew up and has stayed the same age as Monkey.

He is incapable of forming meaningful relationships because it is just him and his kid against the world. Everyone else can go fuck themselves. He's weirdly obsessive about his kid and doesn't understand why things like going camping with two teenage girls, without his daughter and without anyone else, is creepy. Again, he's emotionally stunted.

He's also lied to you countless times and withheld vital information. He is a hypocritical liar, girl!

And let's not forget that you have only ever meant one thing to him; you were always just a piece of ass.

So does it hurt what he did? Yes, of course it does. But think about what you'll be walking away from. A 37 year old child who lies and serves as a terrible role model for his daughter. A misogynist, an egoist, and a creepy, creepy man.

So you can be sad because your feelings are hurt and you feel sick at the betrayal, but you have to get over that soon, OK? You only have ten more days in this wretched prison of a house and then you will be free from all of it.

And next time be a bit better about your choices OK? You deserve a happy, healthy, loving relationship. Don't settle for anything less, OK?



PS: He said he hasn't done anything with that girl but make sure you follow up with the gynecologist because god knows what he might have picked up. He's a liar after all.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Fucking Lying Ass Hypocrite

A little while after the Bat and I broke up, I was talking with Ghost Boy, an erstwhile ex boyfriend. We decided we'd try dating again once I was out of the house and I told the Bat about this. Once it was confirmed, I told the Bat I couldn't fool around with him anymore. He got pissed. He told his kid and anyone else who was around and just acted like I'd done the worst thing possible. He says I didn't mention that I wouldn't date till October; I'm pretty sure I did but it doesn't matter because Ghost Boy reminded me of how jealous and distrustful he was.

Today, the Bat blew me off again. I went to my room to watch Netflix and I wanted a smoke. So I went to his room and thought I'd check the news. Dumbass had his Facebook up, with the messages open and I got to see that he's been flirting with and beginning a relationship with someone new.

Last night we tried to have sex. He was drunk and could't get it up and he actually hurt me and scared me so I left the room. And all this time, he's been using me and thinking of someone else and just lying to me.

What the fuck is wrong with me and why do I pick the wrong men?  

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Sober in October 2014

Who's ready for this? Yeah, I don't think it's actually a thing but it flows well when you say it. I decided I was going to abstain from booze this month in order to do a bit of detoxing and to save some money. That and I have a lot of shit I need to get done and drinking kind of cuts into energy levels and the ability to operate heavy machinery (and lift boxes). Today is, obviously, day one and I'm looking forward to this. I'm not going to post routine updates about it or anything, just thought I'd throw it out there.

In other news, I had some disappointment yesterday. I received a call from a guy around 3:45 regarding my Saturn. We chatted a bit and he told me his kid had practice between 7 and 9 and that he was going to try and come view the car during that time. I said OK and asked that he give me a call when he was on his way so I could give him the address and a bit of direction. He never called back and was a no show. OK, apparently he was in Lewisville and the Bat said that is an hour away and so I can understand not wanting to cut it too close but give a bitch a break and call her to say you can't make it, will you? I mean, I sat around until about 8:30 before giving up and feel like my time was a bit wasted. I think next time I talk to anyone I'll ask that they please let me know if they will be unable to make it so that I'll be free to do other stuff like, I don't know, take a bath or something. The noive of some folks.

Not really, he seemed really nice. And I really hope it was just a matter of timing and not that he found a different car he decided to go with. This guy needs to buy my car for a decent price so I can have some monies.

Anyhow, work is super stressful and someone was let go so I'd better wrap this up and get back to it. For anyone who wants to join me and put their booze cruise in dry dock, feel free to let me know and let me know how you do with it. Cheers! 

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Things That Would Be Awesome

We all do it right, go "you know what would be awesome?" and follow it up with something that would, indeed, be awesome. I'm not talking about "if I won a $400million lottery" or anything, just small things. So that is what today's blog post is going to be about because I've got nothing else.
  1. My department always has candy in the candy dish and people occasionally bring in bagels. Do you know what would be awesome? If every day there were free sandwiches. That would be rad as hell.
  2. My company's volunteer organization is raising money for a food bank by selling raffle tickets for some neat things. I was hoping to win the Cowboys tickets so I could sell them, but I didn't. But it would be super awesome if I won one of the 'tech' gift bag things. I put in a total of three raffle tickets but my chances are slim. I don't even know why I did it since I have enough screens and tablety things and ways to hook up to the internet. But it would be awesome if I won a raffle because it has been forever and a day since I won a raffle.
  3. I don't know if it is because I sit all day for work or if it has something to do with my chair but my legs start hurting by 1PM. If I'm hunched over my laptop all day, my back hurts like a mother fucker. Do you know what would be awesome? Treadmill desks. These are real things and we should have them. As it is, I sit in a weird set up where there is a short partition between me and the guy in front of me. I feel like we are in a giant game of whack a mole. Having a treadmill desk would be so much better. 
  4. If someone would buy my damned Saturn already, that would be mega awesome. I've even lowered the price on Craigslist. Buy my car!!!!
  5. I live in Texas where liquor stores and Verizon stores, and certain other places are closed on Sunday. You know what would be awesome? If that shit didn't happen. 
  6. BFF and I talk through email during the day at work. We used to use google chat or hangouts or whatev but my company blocked that ability. Having that back? You guessed it, awesome.
  7. I feel a lot of pressure with Facebook sometimes. I want to post a status update but then all I can think is "no one cares that I just did that perfectly average and mundane task." I want to post witty things or things to make people laugh, things that I think up on my own rather than just another meme. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, it would be awesome if I was witty on a regular basis and could routinely post badass Facebook status updates. 
  8. If I could get rid of my magical thinking, oh man, that would be freaking sweet!
  9. If I lived a life that was exciting enough to provide me with blog fodder. That would be awesome as fuck because I enjoy writing, I enjoy this blog, but I hate when I don't have anything to talk about. 
Speaking of Facebook, I heard that for a little while there, people were posting shit about Keurig Cups causing cancer on their FB pages. I didn't see it but it came up on a forum that I visit. I drew a few (bad) pictures to indicate what I thought was meant by K cups giving people cancer..


Friday, September 26, 2014

Further Adventures in Waxing

This is going to be short because I really don't have much to say. The Bat and I are getting along, Trucker gets in tonight so the house will be full, the Saturn is on Craigslist, and I'm getting more and more comfortable with the Honda. That's about it. But I do have what to me is a funny story.

At lunch today, I went to get waxed. Once again, I got someone different so I guess it's just a matter of who is available. So I go in the room, the chick gets there and I take off my pants and underwear and lay down. I said I wanted a Brazilian and my eyebrows done and so she takes care of my eyebrows first. Then she asks if I want my lip waxed so I'm all, sure, go for it. Then, to my horror, she asks if I want my chin waxed.

I am old enough to need to have my fucking chin waxed.

What makes this funny though, is that all the time she was working on my face, I'm laying there with my vag out. Then she gets to the vag and I'm not saying it was her first time, but she was not as skilled as the last girl and she hurt me a little bit. But at least I didn't have to get on my hands and knees or lay on my stomach and spread my cheeks for the last bit. And she gave the old girl the royal treatment at the end with some sort of cold cream and some sort of powder.

But I'm still covered with wax and can feel it on my leg and on my face. So awesome. And also, it still hurts.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Been Gone Cause Nothing Nice to Say

I know, where have I been, right? Well, I don't have anything fun or exciting to report and I really don't like when I'm just complaining. Seriously, there have been times when I would actually apologize to my paper journal for just bitching all the time and would make a point of writing down the good things. That's what happens when you start a journal at the age of 10.

Work is fine, which is nice. But I live in my ex boyfriend's house and recently found out that he totally lied to me. Remember how I said he and I agreed not to tell Monkey about he break up until I was out of the house? Well, apparently the Bat's one and only confidant is a 15 year old girl and shes known the entire time what has been going on and so I've just been acting like an idiot, thinking she didn't know. I asked him, specifically, that we not tell her till I was out of the house. He agreed. He lied and then lied via evasion.

Yes, he did fly to Arizona with me so I could purchase my mother's car and drive it back to Texas but he's broken all other promises when it comes to the car. He promised he'd help me clean it out and then didn't. He promised he'd help me with the Craigslist ad and then didn't. On Friday night he literally swore that he would help me do it the next day if I reminded him. Remind him I did but he said that it would be better if I asked his cousin's fiance (who is staying with us for a month) because he is more of a car guy, the Bat would be out of the house and CF and I would be siting around. Welp, the Bat got home after seven and CF was still out so still no Craigslist. The Bat said "Well let's do it now" but I told him to forget it and that I would take care of it. He said "I told you we'd take care of it when I got home." He actually tried to lie to me.

It bothers me that I let it bother me. His follow through has been so shoddy that I shouldn't be surprised. He's broken promises our entire relationship so what do I expect? I guess it gets to me because I'm still new here so I don't know many people and don't have a lot of people to turn to.

I do, however, have some good news. J contacted me recently and we've been talking, even had a video chat that lasted about 2+ hours. You have no idea the closure that has brought me and how stoked I am to be friends with him again.

I'll write more about it when I'm in a better frame of mind. Right now I'm just all boo hoo pity party so need to wrap this up.

Here's to a good week. At least the weather here is predicted to be in the mid 80's.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

It's Not Been a Day and I Already Want Back Out

Back to work and I am extremely tired. Five days of complete freedom will do that to a girl I guess. I didn't have a ton of email to go through, because I'm not very important, but I did discover that I have a more complicated title now. No pay raise or anything, just a change in title because my role has blended with a different division's role and is an HR thing. Or something. Bunch of words about job codes and mapping and whatever in the email from my boss/former boss.

I think I may have mentioned this right? When I was on the phone for a conference call that I hated? I'm going to be - or am now officially - reporting to the idiot manager that drives me crazy. I will say this for her though, she doesn't even put her title in her email signature.

So my eyes are all gluey and I want to go home and take a nap but I have to be here for roughly 2.25 hours before I can split. And tomorrow I have a fucking team meeting (yes, another fucking 'team' meeting because I seem to be on a number of teams these days) from 4-5. I don't want to be here until 5 fucking PM. Traffic is going to suck and I'm supposed to meet up for girls' night. I really should have used my last day of freedom better by just napping and watching things on Netflix.

What did I do you ask? I drove my car through a car wash, bought some groceries, rented movies, copied movies from the Bat that I want, took Monkey to the store to find some of the school supplies she needed, copied the movies I rented, made dinner, and threw in a load of laundry. I also worked on a scarf I've been knitting for the Bat, which I will give him since I said I would. I don't even think he'll like it but he can always give it to his next girlfriend.

Speaking of the Bat, he told me he was broken last night. It was an offhand remark about how he wants the best for me even if he is broken. I immediately thought "dude, you're broken because of your ex-wife?" I mean, yeah, she put him through some pretty shitty times and she's a non mother but he got this wonderful gift in Monkey. If that's all it took for him to break - and he hasn't done any repairs in the past 13 years - then it makes even more sense for me to get the fuck out because really? Really? A large portion of my life has been getting kicked in the teeth and thrown to the ground but I get up every damned time and keep fighting, refusing to let the world break me. If dude is broken because of one shitty relationship, well... I prefer boyfriends to be stronger than me, and not just physically. Or, actually, as strong as me, they don't have to be stronger. So that was an interesting piece of information about Mr. Bat.

I'm on part of my lunch break although I ate my lunch at about 11:30. I had a Luncheable and I was wayyyy too excited about it. It had a Capri Sun and everything! I didn't eat the Reese's Cup but I did polish off a packet of Captain's Wafers Cream Cheese and Chive (you know, crackers with fake cheese filling) and some 'healthy' fruit snacks that were super sticky. I even ate some of this weird Planter's energy mix thing. So now I'm all full and tired and should have saved that juice box until after my nap. Oh, yeah, I'm totally taking a nap when I get home because I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. In fact, I may dip out a little early since I have to stay fucking late tomorrow, stupid meeting. But Luncheables are awesome, you just need two when you are a grown up. Otherwise you
end up stuffing your face with everything you brought with you.

Welp, back to work. I'd say thank goodness it is a short week but that will probably just make next week suck even more. At least I should have better wheels by then.

Monday, September 1, 2014

FSH is Made by Assholes

Remember how I told you that I now take FHS up on the offer to share my success stories from time to time? There you go. I saved Frosty Fields from, uhm, Rancid Raccoon? I don't actually know who I'm saving these fields and farms and things from to be honest. I guess I didn't pay enough attention when I first started. But at least Frosty Fields is safe. Oh, but FHS can be kind of a dick. I was stuck on a level for what seemed like forever. When I beat it, I got a message congratulating me for finally beating it. Don't believe me?

FHS is made by assholes. 
People didn't need to know that I'd been stuck on level 67 for so long. People could have just assumed I hadn't played in awhile. But oh no, the true saga must be shared with no humiliating truth withheld. Dicks. Now I have to get that damned raccoon's key before I can proceed onto more levels. I tried twice and failed so just clicked the "ask your friends" option. Because, as Homer Simpson would agree, if you try something and are not immediately good at it, you should just give up. It isn't like my "farm friends" don't know that I'm struggling thanks to the finally message as pictured above. And I send those mother fuckers lives and moves all the time so they owe me, and more than just beans. Why would you send me beans when I ask you for lives? And why does Rancid Raccoon have a key that he would give me if I reached two stars if it means I might save more lands from his clutches? And how many times do I need to "defeat" him? I've had to do it at least three times so clearly, 'defeat' is not the right term.
Rancid Raccoon, fucking with me as I try to get to 2 stars so I can get his key.

Rancid when he defeats me (which he just did).
Why yes, yes I have been playing a ridiculous amount of Facebook games this weekend. Did you know you can play Uno and Crazy Eights? I'm better at the latter than I am at the former. But, as you know from my car problem (AKA infestation), I have been a bit productive. And that reminds me,  have laundry that might be ready. 

Thus ends my long story about my experience with Farm Saga Heros.

PS: My latest odd show to binge watch is "Rosemary and Thyme". It's a pair of middle aged women, one a botanical pathologist the other a fond gardener whose husband left her. They team up to start a business of gardening after Rosemary is sacked as a university instructor and meets Laura (Thyme) when she's just found out about her husband leaving her. So they garden and the bodies pile up. In case you wanted to know. 

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Man of My Word

What do you mean when you say you are a (wo)man of your word? For me, I mean that no matter what,  I will follow through with a promise and I will do so tout suite, without arguing ambiguous timelines. If  tell you I will see you on X day or help you do Y, I will follow through, when you expect, regardless of a hangover, tiredness, laziness, anything short of real sickness. I might not feel like doing it, but I've told you I will and so I will.

That obviously isn't what everyone means by it. The Bat says he is a man of his word, reassuring me that he will help me sell my Saturn and help me get my mom's car. Well, it is early 8PM and I doubt very much that the Bat will come home soon and hitch up the old shop vac and help me with my car. So I tried the shop vac and failed, and then hauled out my vacuum and cleaned a bit of the inside. The only vacuuming I need done now is to have my seats pulled all the way front so under can be done and the trunk. The Bat said he would help me when he got home today. I don't see that happening.

But that's why I was so afraid to break up with him once this car bullshit started. He says he is a man of his word so he will follow through and go to my mom's to get her car but he has broken his word so many times that I just shake my head in wonder. It's like how my last boyfriend claimed to not be jealous but was SUPER jealous. The Bat has made at least a dozen promises, I'm sure, that he's broken. I guess I thought that now that I'm downgraded to 'friend', he'd actually keep his word. I was stupid for doing so. However, I was also raised by my mother who made sure I would never depend on a guy. So giant bug or no giant bug, I put on yoga pants, rain boots, a long sleeved shirt, and gloves and vacuumed what I could.

Because I have to. Nothing has changed I guess. I'm still worth nothing and cannot rely on the Bat. Hopefully he understands that if he doesn't get on the plane, he will owe my mother quite a bit of money. I think that is the only way to make this "man of his word"keep his word when it comes to me. Real consequences.