Sunday, May 6, 2007

Just a little different

It is quite surprising how much shit you can get when your thoughts/feelings/beliefs vary from others. And it is interesting how offensive people can be without even thinking about it. I've experienced this when discussing or expressing my views on two subjects: children and religion.

I don't want children. As far as I know, I am capable of physically having them, but it has gotten to the point that I lie and say I can't. Apparently, as a young, healthy woman, I am duty bound to not only have the little parasites, but to want them desperately. I have been told for the past ten years that I'll change my mind about this. I've been told that I'm selfish to not have them. My hands down favorite is "I was just like you but then I had my kids and I just love them." To this I would like to respond "no, you're still just like me but you fucked up and got pregnant and so now you have to try and convince yourself that it was a good thing."

I know I'm not alone in my feelings on this subject as many women have expressed feeling offended when they are told that they will change their mind when it comes to the child question. I, myself, feel that it is essentially saying "you don't know how you feel and you don't know what you really want out of life but I know what is good for you and I know your mind." That is ridiculous but that is what "you'll change your mind" intimates, that your feelings and thoughts are not your own. Or, better yet, that you don't have, can't possibly have, any real reason not to have children. I have my reasons and I feel I am doing my country a favor by not bringing any little bastards into this world.

For one, I don't want to give up my life for a child. I don't want the responsibility of caring for a completely dependent life, or of forming a personality. I don't have a modicum of patience when it comes to children and there is a good chance I'd resort to spanking and petty name calling. I'm not proud of this, but I recognize it and I appreciate how terrible and damaging that behavior would be. And I can just imagine how that child would turn out!

I am also bi-polar, which means that any progeny of mine would have an eighty percent chance of suffering from the same disorder. There is a long history of mental illness in my family and my husband is utterly neurotic himself, so there is roughly zero chance that we'd have a mentally healthy child. Is there anything wrong with an individual who suffers from one of these disorders? Absolutely not. Is life just a little bit harder when you suffer from one of them? Yep. It is costly both financially and emotionally and I can't imagine that I would be very good at taking care of someone else with my condition considering that I'm not the best at taking care of myself with this condition!

My husband doesn't want children either, which has always been a deal breaker for me when it comes to relationships. Along with his neurosis and personality quirks, he shares my distaste and impatience with children and he feels like having kids ruins people (not necessarily true in my opinion, I think he just looks at what happened to friends of his who became parents unexpectedly). I think it is important to let others know that my husband is in agreement with me because, in my experience, no one thinks of him. It was the same with how we got married. We eloped, surprising everyone, but we had initially planned on a private ceremony, inviting no one, not even the mothers. I got a lot of shit about that, especially considering that I work with my mother in law, and I found that no one ever thought about the fact that hubby had a say in it.