Wednesday, September 3, 2014

It's Not Been a Day and I Already Want Back Out

Back to work and I am extremely tired. Five days of complete freedom will do that to a girl I guess. I didn't have a ton of email to go through, because I'm not very important, but I did discover that I have a more complicated title now. No pay raise or anything, just a change in title because my role has blended with a different division's role and is an HR thing. Or something. Bunch of words about job codes and mapping and whatever in the email from my boss/former boss.

I think I may have mentioned this right? When I was on the phone for a conference call that I hated? I'm going to be - or am now officially - reporting to the idiot manager that drives me crazy. I will say this for her though, she doesn't even put her title in her email signature.

So my eyes are all gluey and I want to go home and take a nap but I have to be here for roughly 2.25 hours before I can split. And tomorrow I have a fucking team meeting (yes, another fucking 'team' meeting because I seem to be on a number of teams these days) from 4-5. I don't want to be here until 5 fucking PM. Traffic is going to suck and I'm supposed to meet up for girls' night. I really should have used my last day of freedom better by just napping and watching things on Netflix.

What did I do you ask? I drove my car through a car wash, bought some groceries, rented movies, copied movies from the Bat that I want, took Monkey to the store to find some of the school supplies she needed, copied the movies I rented, made dinner, and threw in a load of laundry. I also worked on a scarf I've been knitting for the Bat, which I will give him since I said I would. I don't even think he'll like it but he can always give it to his next girlfriend.

Speaking of the Bat, he told me he was broken last night. It was an offhand remark about how he wants the best for me even if he is broken. I immediately thought "dude, you're broken because of your ex-wife?" I mean, yeah, she put him through some pretty shitty times and she's a non mother but he got this wonderful gift in Monkey. If that's all it took for him to break - and he hasn't done any repairs in the past 13 years - then it makes even more sense for me to get the fuck out because really? Really? A large portion of my life has been getting kicked in the teeth and thrown to the ground but I get up every damned time and keep fighting, refusing to let the world break me. If dude is broken because of one shitty relationship, well... I prefer boyfriends to be stronger than me, and not just physically. Or, actually, as strong as me, they don't have to be stronger. So that was an interesting piece of information about Mr. Bat.

I'm on part of my lunch break although I ate my lunch at about 11:30. I had a Luncheable and I was wayyyy too excited about it. It had a Capri Sun and everything! I didn't eat the Reese's Cup but I did polish off a packet of Captain's Wafers Cream Cheese and Chive (you know, crackers with fake cheese filling) and some 'healthy' fruit snacks that were super sticky. I even ate some of this weird Planter's energy mix thing. So now I'm all full and tired and should have saved that juice box until after my nap. Oh, yeah, I'm totally taking a nap when I get home because I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. In fact, I may dip out a little early since I have to stay fucking late tomorrow, stupid meeting. But Luncheables are awesome, you just need two when you are a grown up. Otherwise you
end up stuffing your face with everything you brought with you.

Welp, back to work. I'd say thank goodness it is a short week but that will probably just make next week suck even more. At least I should have better wheels by then.

Monday, September 1, 2014

FSH is Made by Assholes

Remember how I told you that I now take FHS up on the offer to share my success stories from time to time? There you go. I saved Frosty Fields from, uhm, Rancid Raccoon? I don't actually know who I'm saving these fields and farms and things from to be honest. I guess I didn't pay enough attention when I first started. But at least Frosty Fields is safe. Oh, but FHS can be kind of a dick. I was stuck on a level for what seemed like forever. When I beat it, I got a message congratulating me for finally beating it. Don't believe me?

FHS is made by assholes. 
People didn't need to know that I'd been stuck on level 67 for so long. People could have just assumed I hadn't played in awhile. But oh no, the true saga must be shared with no humiliating truth withheld. Dicks. Now I have to get that damned raccoon's key before I can proceed onto more levels. I tried twice and failed so just clicked the "ask your friends" option. Because, as Homer Simpson would agree, if you try something and are not immediately good at it, you should just give up. It isn't like my "farm friends" don't know that I'm struggling thanks to the finally message as pictured above. And I send those mother fuckers lives and moves all the time so they owe me, and more than just beans. Why would you send me beans when I ask you for lives? And why does Rancid Raccoon have a key that he would give me if I reached two stars if it means I might save more lands from his clutches? And how many times do I need to "defeat" him? I've had to do it at least three times so clearly, 'defeat' is not the right term.
Rancid Raccoon, fucking with me as I try to get to 2 stars so I can get his key.

Rancid when he defeats me (which he just did).
Why yes, yes I have been playing a ridiculous amount of Facebook games this weekend. Did you know you can play Uno and Crazy Eights? I'm better at the latter than I am at the former. But, as you know from my car problem (AKA infestation), I have been a bit productive. And that reminds me,  have laundry that might be ready. 

Thus ends my long story about my experience with Farm Saga Heros.

PS: My latest odd show to binge watch is "Rosemary and Thyme". It's a pair of middle aged women, one a botanical pathologist the other a fond gardener whose husband left her. They team up to start a business of gardening after Rosemary is sacked as a university instructor and meets Laura (Thyme) when she's just found out about her husband leaving her. So they garden and the bodies pile up. In case you wanted to know. 

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Man of My Word

What do you mean when you say you are a (wo)man of your word? For me, I mean that no matter what,  I will follow through with a promise and I will do so tout suite, without arguing ambiguous timelines. If  tell you I will see you on X day or help you do Y, I will follow through, when you expect, regardless of a hangover, tiredness, laziness, anything short of real sickness. I might not feel like doing it, but I've told you I will and so I will.

That obviously isn't what everyone means by it. The Bat says he is a man of his word, reassuring me that he will help me sell my Saturn and help me get my mom's car. Well, it is early 8PM and I doubt very much that the Bat will come home soon and hitch up the old shop vac and help me with my car. So I tried the shop vac and failed, and then hauled out my vacuum and cleaned a bit of the inside. The only vacuuming I need done now is to have my seats pulled all the way front so under can be done and the trunk. The Bat said he would help me when he got home today. I don't see that happening.

But that's why I was so afraid to break up with him once this car bullshit started. He says he is a man of his word so he will follow through and go to my mom's to get her car but he has broken his word so many times that I just shake my head in wonder. It's like how my last boyfriend claimed to not be jealous but was SUPER jealous. The Bat has made at least a dozen promises, I'm sure, that he's broken. I guess I thought that now that I'm downgraded to 'friend', he'd actually keep his word. I was stupid for doing so. However, I was also raised by my mother who made sure I would never depend on a guy. So giant bug or no giant bug, I put on yoga pants, rain boots, a long sleeved shirt, and gloves and vacuumed what I could.

Because I have to. Nothing has changed I guess. I'm still worth nothing and cannot rely on the Bat. Hopefully he understands that if he doesn't get on the plane, he will owe my mother quite a bit of money. I think that is the only way to make this "man of his word"keep his word when it comes to me. Real consequences. 

Post Break Up: The Only Trauma is a Bug

Things are going well since the break up. Saturday was spent drinking mimosas and watching movies on TV. We took a nap and then went out for more mimosa supplies and movies. Two of them were interesting, Anna and Afflicted. I don't think either of recovered from the nap however, and we were both extremely tired all evening and wen to bed at a decent hour. The Bat evidently had trouble getting comfortable and ended up sleeping with his head at the foot of the bed. I found this out when I woke up from a nightmare, went for a pee, and scared myself thinking there was someone behind me when there wasn't. I was scared so I was looking for him when I heard his voice say "come snuggle with me". I was pretty relieved as I hate nightmares but sometimes can't help but keep thinking about them when I wake up (I was working in a prison and I was afraid that one or two of the inmates, who never seemed to be locked up, might go off... and other stuff but you know what dreams are).

So things basically haven't changed as we've pretty much been roommates with benefits for the entirety of our relationship. I've talked to people about breaking it off as early as April, I believe, when a whole gang of us went out to a bar and I asked a friend I met through the Bat if she'd still be my friend if I broke up with him. I told trucker last time we went camping. So I've been thinking about ending things for ages but needed to save money and get everything straight. I felt guilty about it because I felt I was using him but he was using me as well.

I will say, however, that I do not handle failure well so I'm not 100% at peace. I made the right decision and this relationship wasn't going anywhere but still, I hate failure.

I feel better in almost every way now that it's all out. I did forty minute of yoga this afternoon and despite our all day mimosa fest, I'm less interested in drinking with anything less than moderation. That's something that I apparently do when I'm unhappy but don't feel I can say anything; I drink a lot, way more than I should and get into embarrassing situations. Now I just feel like focusing on all the work I have ahead of me. I even went out and was working on another go through of my car to get rid of random trash. Unfortunately, at one point, I saw he back of a large, brown bug clamor down between the seat and the door on the back driver's side. I texted the Bat about it (he and Monkey are spending the afternoon/evening in McKinney I think) and his response was "lol. Catch it." Right. I was so traumatized from seeing a dried up corpse of a giant cockroach at the library that I've not gone back. No, instead, I slammed the door, marched inside, texted the Bat, and poured a glass of left over champagne (well, I also cleaned the cat box but it sounds much more dramatic if I leave that part out.) The Bat has promised to help me with my car so when they get back, he's going to haul out the shop vac and help me vacuum. We'd better find that god damn bug or I'll be paranoid for the rest of the time that I drive the thing.

Remember when I found that dead rat in the backyard and was convinced that the yard was riddled with rat corpses or live rats? Well my car is now infested with massive insects who want to get into my nose, ears, eyes, and mouth. We may just have to burn the car in the end.

The Bat and I also did a bit of cleaning this morning, before Monkey got home from her sleepover. I started to pick up around the living room and the Bat joined in, sweeping up (vacuuming) the bedroom and living room whilst I threw in a load of laundry and straightened up the cushions. I put away a few jackets and linen into a large box that I've already packed blankets and things in. I've also continued to condense my belongings into certain spaces, my kitchen things in the corner I use for coffee and tea and in my allocated cabinet, random items in my room. I am trying to make things as streamlined and as easy as possible since I'll be moving again. Once I get my mother's car, I can begin looking for apartments in earnest so that I can get out as quickly as possible. Obviously the Bat and I don't hate one another but regardless of our amicable arrangement at present, it's best all around that I get out.

Two more days of vacation. Maybe I'll get a tiny bit more of packing done. All I know is that I doubt I'll drive anywhere in my car until I feel certain that it is bug free. I'm going to take really good care of my mom's car and make sure it is kept clean on the inside so as not to invite future critters. Now, if only the Bat would get home so we can vacuum the shit out of my Saturn. 

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Breaking Up Isn't That Difficult After All

The Bat and I broke up last night. This has been a long time coming as I've been planning on breaking up with him since early July. Then my car had issues and he agreed to go to Arizona with me and I was afraid if I broke up with him he wouldn't help me with it. He told me he was a man of his word so he would definitely help me sell my current car and get the new one, which was really nice of him. He was planning on breaking up with me the day we got back to Texas so I don't know how long he's been planning it.

Everyone I've told have been really supportive but way more upset and freaked out than I was. I have my reasons for breaking up with him, which my closer friends know, but I don't hate him and he doesn't hate me. We both like each other more and feel more comfortable now that we've made this decision. I'll continue living in the Bat Cave until I can find a place and his day porter will still help with the actual move. We aren't telling Monkey, at my request, until I'm fully out, because it will make it more stressful for me and it will confuse her because the Bat and I are going to carry on as usual until I'm finally out. Sex and snuggles were the only good things in our relationship towards the end so, since we both enjoy it and I'll be here, it seems dumb not to continue doing it. We were at the gas station when I mentioned something about fucking and he said "we're still going to do that while you're here, right?" I said "oh, yeah" and then said "wait, is that fucked up?" But we both want it so it seems dumb to deny ourselves.

We both feel a tremendous sense of relief and like each other more now that the weight of the obligations of our "relationship" are gone. We've been roommates with benefits for so long that now that we are officially so, it makes it easier and lighter. We both want different things. He wants a companion whose company he enjoys and who he gets along with in bed. That's about it. I want a life with someone who wants the same. I want a boyfriend, one who likes me and shows me that he does, shows me that he cares about me. I want someone who treats me the way I treat boyfriends. Neither one of us is wrong and we don't hate each other. Most people are pretty confused that I'm not all broken up (even though many of them have known I was planning on splitting) and that he and I are getting along and, at this moment, enjoying mimosas and brunch together. There just isn't any reason for hostility when neither of us feels it.

So after I get the car from my mother and sell my beloved Saturn, I will take stock of my finances and begin looking for a new place in earnest. I'll stay fairly close to Rowlett because I have friends here that I want to remain seeing on a regular basis. And as much as I hate my commute, ever since I found a talk show in the afternoon that amuses me, my ride home provides me with a great time to decompress. But I will move slightly closer to work, if only by a few miles. Oh, and I think Bubbles is going to benefit. I bought her this pheromone atomizer thing yesterday in hopes of calming her the fuck down because she is losing fur and it's traumatizing me.

So that is the state of things, folks. I've broken up with my boyfriend and he's broken up with me. It was mutual and as tense as it was when we talked about it, right after we were totally fine, especially when the Bat said "and now here we are, arguing in a bowling alley" which made me laugh my ass off. I appreciate my friends who have been so supportive and caring. I can't believe I've made such good friends in such a short amount of time. I'm a lucky girl and my future is going to be fantastic. And I truly wish all the best for the Bat. Well, to be honest, I wish all the best to Monkey. The Bat can take care of himself.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Who's On the Line?

Have I mentioned how much I don't like meetings and how I seem to be in a lot of them lately? Right now I am working from home and am on a teleconference. I can barely hear the people speaking and that's a damn shame since this is a team meeting that deals with organizational changes. But all I can think about is farting really loudly into my phone to see if they notice. I don't know where everyone is located so I can't instant message people to make fun of colleagues or snark on the meeting because it might be seen by a boss or manager or the person I'm snarking on. All I can do is sit and pay half attention with one ear in case someone calls my name. Well that and play Farm Heroes Saga. I suck at Candy Crush but I'm not half bad at FHS and I like, when I beat a level or win an animal or something, that the game asks if I want to share the news. I've started saying yes and today I posted this:
Read it in the voice of Jesse Pinkman
Tomorrow begins my five day reprieve from the Hive as I've decided to refer to my work. I'm very much looking forward to that although I'm going to be missing a meeting that I'm actually interested in. But hey, not driving 70 miles a day and not having huge spikes in my blood pressure because of the shitty communication that goes on is worth it. And no, I have no plans. The Bat had discussed going camping with some friends but one of them is on call all weekend so that is out. I'll probably just faf about doing nothing. Well, nothing but defeating Rancid Raccoon and earning livestock in FSH. I'm toying with the idea of having a luxurious breakfast/brunch tomorrow but that would require my leaving the house, which would require me to take a shower and put on real clothes (the shower will happen no matter what, as soon as this fucking phone call is over). I don't know. We'll see. 

Speaking of making food, I officially cannot cook in the Bat cave. I'm a decent cook but every mother fucking thing I cook in this dude's oven, except for the savory tart, ends up tasting bland and boring. I don't know what it is because I never had this problem in my apartment in Mesquite or any of my apartments in Ohio. It's something about the cave. Also I'm the only one who cooked this week so far. The Bat promised me on Tuesday night to take me on a real date this week but he was super drunk and didn't remember any of the conversation we had. I told him about it - gave him the gist - and mentioned the date part so we'll see if that happens. All I know is that I'm either off the hook for cooking or else I need to stay away from that oven. 

Well, my meeting finally ended so I'd better get back to work. Yes, that's right, I wrote this during my meeting, which is essentially like texting someone because you're bored while waiting for something. I used you dear reader, I used you.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

White Flag

Pictured above: What I feel like in my office these days. By office I mean my open lay out none cubicle farm that I share with my colleagues. The above image depicts me hiding under my desk and waving a white flag in hopes that the assholes and idiots will just fucking stop.

Things are not going well for Simply at the moment. I'm having a shitty time at work and I don't have a support system at home. The Bat doesn't care about my work or how it affects me and I only get one day a week with Spectero so I'm a bit overwhelmed at the moment. My life has become a matter of counting down the days. Today is Wednesday so I have two work days (including today) to get through before my five day weekend. And it is only ten days before the Bat and I fly to Arizona to get my mom's car. Then I can sell my old, beloved Saturn and use that money to put down a deposit on an apartment.

Every day when I think I'm about to lose it, I just remind myself that there are only so many more days before x will happen followed by y. And who knows, maybe I'll put on my big girl pants and have the courage to look for a new job. Because this one is killing me due to the horrifically bad communication in my division.