Thursday, April 16, 2015

Continuing to Avoid the Too Traumatic - More Updates

Simply a Girl, Job Hunter
Well, the job search is continuing to suck. I met with a recruiter today who is hoping to get me a 6 month contract gig that would pay $30/hour. Why is everything contracted out now? I understand the idea of doing a contract to hire - a la temp to hire - but you don’t get a feel that they are looking for that. The $30/hour is because they know contractors have to pay for their own health benefits these days.

One thing that is super special about this job search is that I get contacted by people about contract positions in technical writing and the contractors either have really heavy accents so you can’t make out the voicemail or else they email you in broken English. I get that they are just the recruiters, but still… how are they supposed to make the best determination about candidates if they, themselves, do not have the best verbal and written abilities? But whatev, I’ll talk to all of them in desperate hope that something will pan out. There are also a few jobs within my company I can apply for, which would prevent a gap in insurance, but ideally, I’ll find a fantastic job outside this place.

Order in the Court
Yours truly had jury duty finally. Back in Ohio, I twice had to fill out a juror questionnaire/survey thing but it never went any further. Then, about a month ago, I received a summons to appear before a civil court in Dallas as a potential juror. So yesterday - tax day - I turned up, had my bug spray taken away, signed in, and sat in an auditorium known as the central jury room. We sat through an orientation video, which was basically the paperwork we’d already received being read to us, and a video on how courts work.
I literally thought “dude, who here has not seen an episode of any variation of Law & Order”? But I guess it was nice for the people in the video to do their part and get their 15 minutes of regional fame. I don’t know, it was annoying. Then a judge got up and talked to us about how we were great citizens for turning out and how important it is to have a voice. And other stuff. I don’t know, I was texting BFF and trying not to fall asleep.
Finally, a young man came up and talked to us some more about getting parking validation (I didn’t park in the right place so I was out $15) and return public transportation passes. And then! He called 20 numbers and names and sent them off with a bailiff to go to the 5th floor for actual selection. This concluded by about 9:45 and we were released on a break until 10:20. I went to the cafeteria, got some fruit and a soda, then read my book. I returned in due time, continued reading and texting, and then realized it was 10:40 and dude had not returned. He did at around 11:15 to let us know no more jurors were needed for the day. Then he read off our names and numbers to release us (I was in the 800’s so had to wait awhile) and I got to go wait in line for a document for work, and then back to the parking lot.
Where I spent 20 minutes just sitting there because I’d parked near the exit by mistake and had to wait for every other motherfucker to get out before I could. When I finally did, I got all turned around and damn near plowed into a whole mess of people because I didn’t realize the light was red and the bus had just unloaded.
I hate being downtown.
But I got home, cleaned my apartment (I’d had Spectero over the evening before for girls’ night and that always ends with a mess) and ran out to put a printer on my credit card. Now I can print out resumes and cover letters left and right without having to do it at work or bothering someone else. I’ve needed a printer for awhile now and this is a printer, scanner, copier combo so score.

Now let’s just hope I get a third interview soon and possibly that $30/hour contracting gig.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

In Other News

I've been silent and then laid down some heavy stuff lately, haven't I? News about tumors and impending job loss really sucks so let's try to think about other things and fiddle dee it as Scarlet would do, shall we?

This weekend I finished my work on a small garden bench and table for my patio.
The previous patio set I had was fine but it made the space feel a bit crowded. This bench isn't 100% what I want because it is so straight backed but it does the trick. And I made it! The Bat did all of the drilling but I ended up doing most of the sawing (terryifying) and all of the staining. The table is drilled to the 4x4s on the balcony with supports. You can also see a window box that has been drilled to the balcony railing. There is a second one, not seen, and they will both be filled with Morning Glories and I will use string to have them vine up so that I can have shade since I face east and so the space is hot as fuck in the summer (which is bearing down upon me).

Next, I want to build a coffee table and side table for inside. I hate what I have and I like building things so this is perfect. The materials are cheap, I'll have the sense of accomplishment that comes with doing things on your own, and I'll have furniture I like (though I think I'll buy a darker stain for these items).

When not engaging in wood shop on the weekends, I am working on a totally different project. A met someone who wrote a young adult novel and she sent out an all call looking for editors. She can't pay but all of her readers have told her that she needs an editor. I said I'd be happy to do it and I am. It's fun work for me and it distracts me from all the shit going on in my life. I'm really enjoying the work, especially because this particular manuscript has me asking all sorts of questions and analyzing the story like I wouldn't necessarily do otherwise. And it's a great opportunity for me to flex my technical and editing muscles. And, who knows, maybe this person will go on to great fame and I'll get to be able to say I was there from the beginning?

So there you go. I know it was short but at least it was happy and hopeful, right?

Monday, April 13, 2015

What is Going On?

I seriously don't know what is happening but it seems like life has decided to take a spin on the tilt-a-whirl. We'll start with an update.

The hospital didn't get back to J about a bone scan and he was told it would be at least a week. Uhm, OK, dude has a massive tumor on his back and pelvis and his specialist wants him to get a bone scan ASAP for obvious reasons but let's not rush it? J called them today and found out that his MRI had been given to one of the hospital doctors to review and the receptionist was going to put in a status update request with hopes of getting some information and get J scheduled. I haven't heard from him so I don't know what happened. I told him yesterday that he can talk to me about whatever he wants whenever he wants but I'm not going to constantly ask about the tumors or anything because it sucks when people treat you like you are only what is going on with your health. So I'm waiting for him to reach out. My hopes are not high but I've gotten to a place where I'm pretty numb.

In other news, I found out today that I will be out of a job later this year. They are canceling the project I work on so my entire department is pretty fucked. We were assured that there are over 100 open positions in the company and our managers will help us as best they can to get us placed elsewhere. But basically, we were informed by two very chipper higher ups that our jobs will be obsolete over the next few months to a year.

I'm losing my job. I fucking spent a ton of money to move to Texas for this job that turned out to be nothing I was told it would be and now I'm losing it. I've been looking for a new job and it has been fruitless and now I have to work even harder. It isn't just being unemployed that terrifies me but what I'll do without health benefits. If I weren't all fucked up with health issues it would be one thing, but I can't fucking afford my prescriptions without coverage. And I don't know how much it costs for COBRA but I know it isn't cheap.

I've been with this company for seven years and I've spent the last two years being fucked over time and again and now the ax is pretty much all the way down. I don't know what to do. I mean, I know to keep working towards finding new employment but I just don't know what to do with myself since everything seems to be falling apart. Someone I care about very much is facing terrible news regarding his health and I'm almost out of a job. And I now officially have nothing to do at work because all of my tasks were based on a client we aren't actually going to be working with.

Two people have suggested that this means I can move out of Texas but for one thing, that costs a lot of money, as I know having just moved her two years ago. And I need a job before I can even think of relocating. And god damn it, I'm tired of moving and I've made a few friends here and don't want to start all over. I'm so tired of moving and trying to make friends as an adult. I just want to be settled in my shitty, ghetto-ass apartment and finally set down some roots and form a new little family of friends.

I try my best to stay positive and find the bright side and all of that, just like I've always done. But it's getting harder and harder and I don't know how much I have left in the way of reserves to find the bright side or stay positive. I feel like ever since I moved to Texas, one of the dumbest decisions I've ever made, I can't catch a break. I'm trying so hard but the hole I dug is made out of sand and I can't find a purchase anywhere.

At some point things have to start going my way, don't they? Even just a little bit? I know my life is still a lot better than many others and that I'm very lucky but damn it, this fucking sucks and I'm sick of it. 

Thursday, April 9, 2015

I Need My Mommy Really Bad Right Now

Sure, whatever, I could just type some back story about how so and so contacted me and I found out x y and z but fuck that noise.

I found out today that J (my ex-husband in case you just stumbled here, an ex-husband that I care very much about) has a giant tumor on his spine and a tumor on his pelvis. It may be a metastasized cancer from the melanoma he had in 2009. It may be a secondary cancer. It may be terrible.

A friend of his from graduate school contacted me on Facebook out of the blue asking if she could call me and she told me. She really needed someone to talk to and she knew that J cares a lot about me and that I know him well and, basically, she needed to get it out to someone he knows. She asked me practical questions about health insurance because she remembered I worked in that field to some extent.

Yeah, all that happened but it didn't go as seamlessly. I cried. I howled. I fucking wept and am still crying because it isn't fair. I old J's friend "I GOT MS. I'M the one who took that because J has had a shit life and can't catch a god damn break so I got the incurable to give him a break."

I know that isn't how life works, but it should. J should get a pass and I should be allowed to take the bullet for him.

I don't know what to do. I keep thinking "I want to call my mommy" but she is in South Fucking Africa and so I can't talk to her. And the call came too late for me to call my friends.

J didn't want me to know until he had his bone scan and knew the whole deal. That's what his friend, Fitzgerald said. Fitzgerald said that J was worried about upsetting me. Please, I cry at everything and really, I'm not the one anyone should worry about right now (obviously). I asked Fitzgerald to let me know when J was going to tell me and then said "you know what? He'll know that I know because i won't be able to hold my shit together." So I called him, told him not to be mad at Fitzgerald, blamed it on the fact that she has two vaginas right now (yeah, it's a chick and she is prego) and we talked a bit. I basically told him to tell me whenever he needed anything. I can fly and visit him, he can move here and go to our fine hospitals here in Dallas, Fitzgerald and I are willing to stagger visits, whatever. I think his girlfriend was over (I am so grateful for her because she has been taking care of him A LOT and seriously, thank you lady) so he couldn't be too vocal. But I made my point about his not keeping it from me and letting me know all along the way like he knew about my MS.

I understand and appreciate why he was waiting but I'm much happier that I know now. That's a lie, that isn't true at all. I hate knowing now. I hate knowing at all. I hate knowing that I would eventually know because that means this is real.

And I have zero fucks to give about how childish this is going to sound but his shit is not fair. He is going to be 37 on May 2. This isn't supposed to happen to him. Someone, please, I know this is ridiculous and not going to help but please, make it stop. He doesn't deserve this. I want to hit things and break things and scream and kick.

I want to call my mommy but I can't. 

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Yoga Lady - A Complicated Relationship

I think I may have mentioned that I’ve started doing yoga. It’s a very brutal regimen, too, 20 minutes three times a week. Because I am a badass, obvs.

Or, rather, that’s how it began. The I realized how fucking weak it sounds when you basically say “I do 60 minutes of exercise every week” when you are supposed to do something like 30 minutes a day for at least five days. Or something. I don’t know, numbers are stupid. So I recently decided to start doing the 40 minute session from my app, something I’ve done one time about six or so months ago when I first downloaded the thing (shut up, you probably have sixteen or so apps on your devices that you don’t use. How many pigs have you thrown birds at lately, huh pal?)

First of all, I make really random assumptions based on nothing. I assumed that yoga was easy because… I don’t know, maybe because the pants are so comfortable. Yeah, it isn’t and my chest has hurt for about a month now (cause I think I started a month ago). Did you know that can happen? It can. Turns out that you have muscles in your chest and yoga stretches them just like it stretches everything else. I actually realized that it isn’t easy when I did the 40 minute session that one time six or so months ago and could barely move the next day.

But I’ve gotten used to it so I decided that I’d try to start to mix it up and after I tried the second level of difficulty for the 20 minute session, I decided that I’d be better off sticking to level one difficulty but for the 40 minute session. And that is when I became a total bitch to Yoga Lady, the chick who narrates the sessions. First of all, why do I have to do 16 Sun Salutations in a 40 minute session? I just spent about five minutes trying to find a YouTube video to link so you could see what Sun Salutation is but apparently everyone does it differently and my baby version isn’t something anyone wants to put up on YouTube. So Google it and pick whichever version you like best.

Now, I don’t actually mind Sun Salutation. I mean, it’s no Corpse pose, my favorite, but I think I actually do enjoy this one. What I do not enjoy is doing it over and over again. The first 20 minutes of my session comprises poses where you are standing. You begin with SS (which you do four times) and then, you do SS again after every… single… fucking ….pose. That repetition makes me insane for some reason. Probably because I keep shoving all that fresh blood into my head when I fold forward. I find myself thinking things like “really bitch? Again? I think I’ve got it OK? Enough saluting the god damn sun. I don’t wave at people every time they look at me. The sun has been officially saluted and I do not need to be all up its asshole.”

During the 20 minute session I tried at the second level of difficulty, Yoga Lady announces Bridge Pose. This is a lot like the version I do in my baby level 20 minute session (although A: we don’t hear anything about breast bones or opening up your chest or whatever and B: No way do I look like that when I do it). So cool, Yoga Lady says Bridge Pose and I’m all “I got this” because you know, yogi over here. I’m in that position for awhile so I figure it’s going to be the same thing. Nope! Suddenly Yoga Lady tells me to extend my left leg into the air and says to keep it there for “a couple of breaths.”

That bitch is a fucking liar. A couple breaths is like 30 fucking seconds and I’m weak as Hell so I had to lower my leg and say, out loud “bitch, you said for a couple of breaths”. At this point, everyone in the world should be grateful that I do yoga using my iPad in either my bedroom or living room, not out in public. But seriously, how does “a couple of breaths” equal more than 10 seconds at the greatest. ‘A couple’ means two. We all know that. Stupid fucking lady with her grand love of Sun Salutations and not understanding how amounts work. I was sweating and panting through 20 minutes of yoga. The people on the videos never look like they are sweaty or panting.

And OK, I know I'm entering into bitch eating crackers territory but... In every session there is this one thing that just kills me. If I do a pose that begins on my belly, it ends with Yoga Lady saying "Release pose, lying face down." If I begin a pose n my back, Yoga Lady says "Release pose, lying face up". What the fuck are you people doing that you need this direction? Are you coming out of bridge pose and doing a spin half way down so that you land on your belly? Do you release from Sphinx pose into a random side plank? Do you come out of any mother fucking floor pose back into the standing Mountain pose? Really????

Calm, peaceful, feel good yoga is a scam. But I’m going to continue doing it because I want to get better at it and I need to do some sort of exercise. I think I’ll just have to work really hard at focusing on the movements and saving any feelings of rage until I’m done. Maybe once I get good at this I’ll stop holding it against Yoga Lady and I’ll just view her as a helpful instructor.

Right now, however, she is a fucking bitch. I don’t know how the lady in the actual video can stand it.

I did a Google image search of 'yoga' and that cat picture was by far the best thing to appear. When I clicked on it, I was taken to this site and someone had placed that pic in the comments. That is the best I can do to tell you that the cat pic is not mine.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Dating Sucks - Single Fathers Edition

I never really dated. I met my first ‘real’ boyfriend when I was 17 and we just ‘hung out’ rather than dated. We were in high school, didn’t have cars, and we lived in Delaware and there are few dating things to do there. I met my ex husband (also my second boyfriend) when I was 23 and in college at the University of Delaware. We went on three dates (two dinners and one movie watching extravaganza in my dorm room) before we were boyfriend and girlfriend and then became husband and wife for nearly five years (we were together for a total of nearly seven years).

So yeah, my experience with dating was pretty much nil until I was 32 and moved to Texas for my job. I had been in Texas for six days with just a blow up mattress, a suitcase worth of clothing, a guinea pig, a knitting bag, and a patio set that I kept inside at the time when I met my first Texas guy (my belongings were in transit). I actually met him in a bar, which is not something I ever thought would happen. I’d been in my apartment for days, just looking at the walls and talking to my guinea pig when I decided I needed out. There are a ton of places within walking distance of my first apartment so I decided, fuck this shit, and walked to Sport’s City. I was filthy, not having showered, was wearing my worst pair of jeans, no bra, had my hair in a bun, and was wearing my glasses whilst I knit at the bar.

That’s a thing that happens. When I lived in Ohio (moved there with my ex so he could go to school), I could go to a bar with a book or a newspaper and be left alone. In Texas? Dude, I’ve gone to a bar with a Kindle, knitting, and headphones and had guys try to chat me up. And I’m not super hot or anything, just a regular girl. Texans just don’t follow my rules, I guess.

So I met my first Texas boyfriend whilst knitting in a bar. Turns out he fought with his friend for twenty or twenty five minutes to get him to change seats because soon to be boyfriend really wanted to talk to me. Great story right? “Oh, he argued with his friend so he could talk to me and from there…” but that shit didn’t work out. That’s all good and shit but first Texas boyfriend taught me a very valuable lesson.

Bitch, you are 32 years old and guys in your date range either have kids or want them.

Dude and I talked on the phone for about an hour before our first date. It was during dinner that he told me he had three kids. What. The. Ever. Loving. Fuck?????????

Seriously, I was 32 years old feeling like I was 23 apparently and that shit shocked me. I mean, dude was only a few years older than me but had THREE fucking kids. That is when I realized that just because I feel super young because I’m stupid and incompetent, I’m actually an adult. In my time in Texas, I’ve not dated a single guy who did not have children.

That was my first lesson when it came to dating as an adult; dudes have kids. If you don’t have children, are much younger than me, don’t want children, or have never really thought about it, you’re welcome. You reach an age where your dating pool includes single fathers.

Maybe you like kids, want kids, babysat a lot. I don’t know, you are just a kid person. I am not. I’ve nothing against the miniatures but I’m no good around them because I don’t know what the fuck to do or say and they scare the hell out of me. I end up talking to kids, regardless of their age, like they are adults. This works OK with the older ones and befuddles the younger ones. I dated one guy for over a year, a fabulous single father of a teenager. I told her I had little to offer but I helped her by buying her classic pieces for her wardrobe and superficial stuff like that. Actually, I recently showed her how to iron a tricky shirt by which I mean I ironed a tricky shirt for her. I have no idea what thinks about me (she is a teenager after all) but I do know that she not only trusts my domestic judgment but she pays attention and learns from it. That is a rad feeling and a good byproduct of dating a father.

That is the first thing I learned when I started dating and really, it was like putting a kid in an advanced class with no warning, “Hello! I’m here to teach you how to date because you are old, out of the game, and don’t know how shit works.” YES!!!! ……””Now, dude has a kid…”

Yeah, I knew dating would be rough. OK, I didn’t know that and I had no idea what it entailed but CHILDREN? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? Seriously, that is not a joke. That shit happens and you have to go along with it because you forgot, whilst thinking about dating, that dudes your age either have kids of want them.

The worst part is that single dads like to talk to you about priorities. Look, my dad walked out when I was around six and my one daddy issue is “if you have children and they are not priority alpha, go kick rocks”. Seriously, if your kids are not your top priority I don’t want to know you. But single fathers like to tell you that you are going to be their second priority, right after their kid(s).

This is bullshit in my experience. I don’t really think the guys are dicks, I just think they haven’t thought it through. In my experience, I’ve come after the children, family, friends, work, and that guy who works at 7-11. Again, as I said, your kids better be your first priority but don’t tell me that you are looking to devote yourself to a girlfriend when you can’t/won’t/etc.

I don’t know what it is like and have no idea how hard it must be. I think these fathers have just settled into a routine and made their lives and when they started dating, they didn’t realize that the girl wanted to be part of everything. My sample size is ridiculously small so I’m not going to generalize. I just know that in my experience, the single fathers I’ve dated went into it with good intentions and then realized they just really missed sex.They aren’t monsters or anything, they just didn’t realize what they wanted or where they were and accidentally used me.

It is nice to know I’m good at sex though. Imma put that shit on my resume.

Oh, and FYI, single fathers, just like all parents, don’t want to hear it from your childless ass. I do understand that I have no experience and so a parent doesn’t want me to tell them how to keep their kid from throwing a tantrum (I’ve never offered that advice) but I know when a kid is spoiled and if I like you or, even more important, I like your kid, I’m going to say something. Don’t. Save yourself the trouble, even if the guy’s mother talks to you multiple times about how his kid is spoiled. You probably won’t be with this guy for the long term, especially if his kid is older, and what happens will happen no matter what. And if you think the guy is showing favoritism towards one of his kids over the others? Yeah, just shut up.

You aren’t a parent and the fact that you are a human being does not give you the credentials to say shit to parents. Mothers and fathers are untouchable heroes and unless you are going to give butterfly kisses to their assholes, they don’t want to hear it. Lesson learned the hard way. On the one hand, I totally get it. “You aren’t a parent so what the fuck do you know?” But what if a non-parent tells you they saw your sweet angel killing an animal? Can that childless person express concern or should they keep that shit to themselves?

That was a very hyperbolic example, obviously, but that is what it feels like. Express concern and get yelled at because you have not expressed a child from your uterus and so know nothing. So whilst you are dealing with the dating minefield and find yourself with a single dad, keep that in mind.

You’re welcome

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

So Much Fail, So Much Hilarity

Let's Get Waxed!
Ugh. I almost made it this time, almost had a completely unremarkable Brazilian wax. But then, suddenly, the lady was guiding my fingers so that I could spread out my labia. Why? "It keeps it straight and doesn't hurt as much." I didn't ask, she just said, after she tore the hair out "see? It doesn't hurt as much because you kept it straight for me!"

Why? Is this common? Do all women have weird/comical experiences when they get their lady garden eradicated? If I could afford electrolysis I think I'd go for it. What's worse is I needed other items waxed. I don't know if I mentioned that time when, after doing my eyebrows and preparing my upper lip, Lee asked if I wanted my chin done. Dafuq? I'm already growing a beard? Well yeah, that happened and I felt like balls about it. But now I know to ask if I need it done and I'm nonchalant about it.

Bitch waxed me down my fucking neck! I have hair that needs to be waxed from my freaking neck? I knew it. My father was a Sasquatch.

Lunch and Learn - Learn to Read the Email
I signed up for a lunch and learn at work about lady hormones. It was billed as being about thyroid issues and menopause. I was all, meh, I'll go, I have a thyroid and can use a free lunch (because my company caters in some good shit sometimes). They were also going to award one lucky winner a $50 Visa card so why not?

I was running late this morning and just as I was about to throw together a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I remembered "oooo! Lunch and learn! Score!" So I stopped at Starbucks and got a grande cappuccino (notice I did not say non-fat because apparently full fat dairy is good these days) and ealt with traffic and go to work.

I was puttering along, studying documentation for something I'll have to test down the road when I decided I'd better check the email about the lunch and learn so that I knew where to go. That is when I saw that it said, very clearly "remember to bring our lunch! :) ".


Long story short, I ended up spending an hour of my day at a lunchless lunch and learn about fucking menopause. I didn't even win the god damn gift card.

Life's disappointments, amirite? I had two string cheeses, a handful of bagel chips, a healthy version of a fruit rollup, and a tiny bit of fruit. Awesome.

To be fair,  I did make this awesome dinner of chicken stuffed with onions, mushrooms, parsley and swiss cheese wrapped up in bacon with a side of steamed broccoli. But not the point, my friends, not my point at all.

My point is... give me fifty dollars.