Friday, August 28, 2015

A Life of Days and Not Living in the Future

Is this blog magic? I posted about my breakup with the Bat and my regrets and how I was pretty sure that was the end but he was more than willing to give me another chance. I don't think I'll ever have hundreds of millions of dollars and that makes me really sad (c'mon magic blog woo, do your thing). 

It hit me when he was so willing to take me back that he does love me and I need to stop being stupid and just allow myself to feel it. I doubt what I was feeling and thinking was all that uncommon for someone who has been through a divorce and felt their hearts shatter. It's cliche but true - it is really scary to trust in things like love and happiness when you've felt the loss of love and happiness before. We fear going through the sads and the hurts so much that it seems better, safer, to keep a distance from others, even if we are in romantic relationships. If I don't let you get too close, you can't hurt me that bad. 

Life is short. I'm almost 35 so I'm almost middle aged (I've decided I'm going to live until at least 80). And lately I've realized that I really like life. I don't enjoy my commute or the way my legs hurt from sitting at work all day, but I like laying on my sofa, reading my Kindle, with Bubbles laying right next to me so I can pet her. I like cleaning my apartment and feeling accomplished when it is super tidy and inviting (well, I do like that but apparently not enough time to do it on the regular). I love going to the country and, after a hard day of working, sitting around drinking beer and talking. I love that I can go to the sushi bar and most likely be greeted by a bar tender who won't even ask what I want because they already know. These are small things but small things are what make up a life and I really like mine. 

To fully embrace life, however, one must take risks. As the saying goes, no risk no reward. So yes, the Bat may hurt me one day. Maybe he'll suddenly find that he is attracted to someone else or that he just doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. That would be awful and I certainly do not want to go through that but I don't live in the future or in a world of what-may-happen-one-day. Not anymore. I live in my life in each day and I know that on this day, the Bat loves me and looks forward to snuggling with me tonight. 

I'm sure he is sick of hearing about all the feels I have about not being a millionaire one hundred times over though. It's never going to happen is it? Do your stuff blog woo, do your stuff.

I googled 'woo' and this was one of the images that came back. I just thought, well, OK then.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Commitment Phobic

I never would have imagined it but I've evidently become somewhat phobic of commitment. I broke up with the Bat (again). He didn't do anything wrong and I'm not upset with him. I just feel like something is missing and that he and I were both wasting time by being together. In retrospect, I regret my decision, especially as it's pretty final. I like commitment. I'm good at commitment. I never really understood what commitment-phobic meant before and assumed it was an excuse for cheating. Nope. Well, it isn't for me. For me it is really ridiculous. I'm afraid of being the Bat's girlfriend because I'm afraid I'll get hurt or he'll break up with me.

image found at www.mountainfm.com


I know, it makes zero sense but that's what it feels like. I feel like I'm never going to have the type of relationship I want with him because I won't let myself. He says he loves me and I hear it and I believe him but I refuse to feel it. I don't want to get hurt again so I figured I'd just be alone and unhappy. Because we all know I make really great decisions. 

The worst part is that he has worked really, really hard and has made some major changes, which is difficult for anyone over the age of five. It pisses me off that he worked that hard just for me to be a pain in the ass and it pisses me off that someone else will benefit from it because I peaced out one too many times.

One of the worst things is feeling that I figured out what my issue is but only after it's too late. Because the Bat previously did things that really hurt me, I've been stigmatizing myself for having ever given him a second chance. Because I'm the type of person who never understood why a man or woman would take back someone who cheated on them, lied to them, or hurt them in some manner. I would always shake my head and think "s/he'll just do it again you idiot" without understanding that I know diddly squat about other peoples' lives. So I've been treating myself like that and feeling ashamed of myself for having allowed someone to hurt me only to give him another chance.

But the Bat isn't a cheater by nature. And, as I said, he worked very hard to make a few changes in himself, all for the better. My conflicted emotions led me to lash out at him at times because yes, he did hurt me. But I think I got through that. I think my lashing out was a defensive reflex triggered by my own feelings of what are you doing, dummy? He's a bad guy! Only idiots go back to bad guys! 

And I regret it. I regret a lot of things. And I really, really need to learn to think through everything before I make a decision because I just let go of some happiness all because I was judging myself through a fucked up filter.

So, you know, good times in the life of Simply just now. Hopefully I'll get over it soon.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Best Laid (lame) Plans

I had some pretty sweet plans for this weekend. I was going to catch up on all my chores like taking out the garbage, getting the mail, doing laundry, and vacuuming. I was then going to just kick back and relax, chill in my tub with an adult beverage or two, and read, watch movies, and hang out with my cat. I did catch up on all the chores I listed but I did them today, Sunday, without a lot of the relaxation.

See, I wasn't going to go to the country this weekend. I tell myself towards the end of each week that this is the weekend I'm going to stay home and decompress and just fucking relax because I'm so burned out. This weekend I am not going to spend my time laboring and getting dirty and gross and sore. And this week, I really, really, really meant it. But then HK decided she wasn't going to go and I felt like I'd be letting the Bat down since he'd then be down two adults and so I went.

Among other things,I helped put up 500 feet of fencing so that his parents can bring two horses down. Apparently fencing is a gift I have because I got damned good at it pretty quickly but it is still hard work, especially in the burning hot Texas sun with a real feel temperature of 102. I think we did three of the five hundred today and it wiped me the fuck out. But chores were left so as soon as I got home, I took out the trash, got my mail, threw in a load of laundry, and put some fried clams in the oven. I eventually vacuumed, folded laundry, and put in a second load.

I'm exhausted. Wiped out. All I want to do is get a massage and sleep for 12 hours but, sadly, I have to pay bills and fold more laundry and put new sheets on my bed and prepare for work tomorrow. I pretty much just work for the most part. 40 hours in the office and then Friday evening through Sunday early afternoon, labor down on the farm.

Maybe this upcoming weekend I'll actually do it and just stay home and nap like a motherfucker. 

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Throw Away Day

Today was such a throw away day. It started off well with my getting up a bit earlier than usual so that I could hopefully beat traffic. The traffic report itself was optimistic! But as I was driving out of my neighborhood,  realized I'd left my lunch at home. I almost turned around but then thought I'd rather beat traffic.

Some plan. I don't know what happened but I ended up delayed for some reason and didn't get to work early as I'd planned. So no getting to work early and no lunch. Then I spent most of the day doing nothing because I needed someone to complete something before I could move ahead with one project and I needed about three answers from my boss - who is in another state at the moment - before I could move on with the next. I felt like I looked fat and I was grumpy. I even went out during my late ass lunch hour to get gas to avoid having to get it on the way home and noticed that it was stupidly hot outside. I went at lunch to prevent any issues on my way home and even though I didn't leave right on the dot, I got the traffic report as soon as I got in the car! There were no accidents on my route! Yay!

Only there must have been something near the beginning because traffic sucked. Then, just to be special, there was a broken down U-haul or some shit on the off ramp I take, which means it took me longer to get home. I know, I know, someone clean the wounds from where I was pinned up to the cross.

It was just a stupid day where I started out all happy and optimistic and the world was all
I got some stuff accomplished at home though. I cooked an actual meal and cleaned my kitchen and... well, that's about it. But I wasn't positive I'd clean my kitchen or sweep the floor. Oh, and I printed out a sign that I taped to my door asking if I remembered to clean the litter box and did I have x y and z. And my back started hurting like an hour ago but my cat is laying in the cutest position and clearly I'm grasping at straws to remain positive.

If nothing else, lunch is already made for tomorrow. 

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Country Life and Cat Carriers

As you undoubtedly know if you subscribe to my newsletter (don't have one) or watch my regular Youtube videos (don't do that ether), I spend my weekends laboring down in the country on the Bat's parents' retirement property. I had a full weekend off when we went to visit my family but worked the following Saturday and went back for more labor camp this weekend. I spent most of my time using a hammer and pry bar to take down the sheet rock on one side of the kitchen and removing trim around doorways. I've gotten really good at taking down walls, especially when I don't feel like doing it anymore because I just swing the hammer over and over again like I'm mad and tear that shit out.

I'm pretty sure I've developed a bicep muscle on my right arm.

This weekend was slightly different because I brought Bubbles with me. As soon as I touched her carrier she bolted into my bedroom to hide under my bed (note to self: shut all doors before doing that again). I had to lift off the mattress and box spring to let her now that wouldn't work, and eventually corralled her into her carrier. Got my shit, got the cat, got in the car, and drove to the Bat's house (during the transport I was pulled over and got my first ever speeding ticket. Did you know that they ask for your phone number and your place of work? I was also asked what brought me to Rowlett since my driver's license has my Dallas address on there but I as thinking 'dude, I'm like five miles from my house.' The officer was super nice and showed me what I needed to do when I asked him since I've never been in this situation before. When we were done, I stuck my hand out of the window to shake his hand and thank him for his service. I think he was nice because I was nice and didn't give him any problems. No idea what he thought about my thanking him for his service when he just basically wrote me a bill for hundreds of dollars though)>

But I digress. Bubbles did OK at the farmhouse. The dogs are kept outside and the bigger of the pigs doesn't seem interested in coming into the house very much even though she's allowed to. The Bat's mother told me that she saw Bubbles and the smaller pig nose to nose, just checking one another out, and then parting ways as if to say "oh, this is new. What are you. Sniff, sniff. OK, cool. Take it easy." But Monkey has a little kitten that she brought back from Missouri and Bubbles is not a fan. The kitten wants to play and stalk and Bubbles wants to be left alone so she just growls and hisses at the little one. But it would appear that Bubbles understands that she is much larger than Daisy (the name Monkey gave the kitten) because she doesn't do anything to fight it (and based on what she did to the Bat's hand as he tried to get her out from under the sink this morning, she isn't necessarily shy about clawing your ass).

My major concern was really just that she eat her food. I know she'll get used to the place but I want to make sure she eats her food rather than the kitten's (because Bubbles is on that canned food diet) and I don't want Daisy eating my Fancy Feast. I do think Bubs will be fine so I'm not that worried, but it is a pain in the ass taking her. On the drive down she was pretty quiet, as she was on the drive back. But after I'd gotten her into *my* car to head home, she shit at one point. You have to understand that she was wary in this new house and had this hyper kitten around. I don't think she got to use the litter box and she may have shied away from it because no one seemed to think it needed to be cleaned out (I will take care of that next time). So I don't blame her at all and just felt bad for her, especially as she had to lay in her carrier with it until we got home. And cat shit stinks really, really bad. I'm pretty sure the word pungent exists because of cat shit. But I got her home, let her out, and she's chilling in my closet.

Because I feel bad about her being in a little cage on a car trip and about the shitting incident, I ran to a pet store to upgrade her carrier.
Is she going to like it or want to get into it? No. But at least she'll have more room and should she shit, she can be further away from it. If you zoom in on the picture, you will see a banana guilt toy in the bottom left hand corner of the new carrier. Bubbles seems to like it, which makes me happy since she isn't always into the toys I buy her out of guilt. I'm keeping the smaller carrier because it will be fine for trips to the vet and/or I'm sure someone in my life will need to borrow it at some point, but I'd like Bubs to have more room when we travel.

One major con? Bubbles on her own, let alone in her old carrier or her new one, is heavy as fucking hell. But I'm insane about my pets so what can I do? 

Monday, August 10, 2015

Simply a Summer Vacation - A poorly written post about my trip

One would think that a Monday after a full week off would be brutally busy but man, today was long as hell because I had dick all to do at work. Tomorrow will be better because certain processes will have run but today was pretty much just me looking at stuff on the internet. Know what I realized? If someone pulled all the data of my internet usage off of my work laptop, they would find a lot of stuff about unsolved murders and disappearances. When I get bored, I Google ‘mysteries’ and inevitably find some interesting disappearance or murder and end up in a rabbit hole. That’s all fine and well and whatevs, go ahead and look at my browser searches on my phone, but on my work laptop? Not so fine and dandy. I don’t really know why I didn’t think to write a blog post during the day since I had the time, but I didn’t. Well, I did but I didn’t feel like it. I guess I figured if I wasn’t going to use my brain for work, there was really no purpose in using it at work. Not that this is going to be highly intellectual or anything.

So, my summer vacation of 2015! The Bat and I left early on Saturday morning and drove about 12 ½ hours, making it to Gallup, New Mexico. We stayed at a Days Inn and, after dinner, mixed some Jack and Coke and headed to the pool. The pool, itself, was kind of gross because it was a weird green color and really cloudy. The hot tub was out of order but it was clear and had hot water so we settled in there for a bit before the Bat went into the pool. I dipped my foot in but the water felt too cold for this delicate flower and I wanted no part of it. That didn’t phase the Bat, however, as he pulled me in and laughed at my distress. Tell you what though, the hot tub felt even better after that.

Because we only had 2 ½ hours more to drive the next day and weren’t really expected in Flagstaff until 3, we paid $10 to drive through the Petrified Forest, featuring the Painted Desert. I love the Painted Desert and have probably seen it at least three times, so that was fun. The petrified wood was underwhelming in my opinion, but I suppose I would have been more interested if I’d touched it. Or, you know, if we’d taken our time through it. Unfortunately, an emergent call of Nature struck the Bat so we had to haul ass for the last 10 miles (at 35 mph) in order to get him and his belly to a bathroom. I still giggle about it because the drive was hilarious and then he was in the men’s room forever. He actually said he felt bad for the other guys, not because it smelled, but because it was loud and he had to flush multiple times. Never have I been so turned on.

Did you know that Flagstaff is amazing weather wise? The highs were in the upper seventies, which were the lows back in Texas, and it was just beautiful. I got to see my brother, Teacher, and his family for the first time in four years, and met my second niece for the first time. That was pretty awesome and I enjoyed talking to my big brother for a bit since our annual Skypes are usually overridden by my older niece shouting that she loves me and attention seeking children in general. It was great seeing my sister in law as well, and I think she liked having me there to talk to instead of just being stuck with her little family and my mom. Not that my mom isn’t awesome, but I was a novelty.

Everyone kept suggesting that the Bat and I go do things like see the Grand Canyon or other excursions but honestly, we work all week and then go to the country and spend our weekends doing manual labor so doing absolutely nothing was just perfect. I’d downloaded a book at the Bat’s recommendation (he likes Sci Fi and Fantasy, genres I neglect, so I thought I’d give it a try) and he and I spent hours reading whilst sitting in swinging chairs on the porch. I think everyone spent most of the time outside because the weather was so beautiful. Well, we’d go inside or to a restaurant for one of our numerous feeding sessions. Dear lord did we eat a LOT on this trip!

On Wednesday, we checked out (we did one of those AirBnB things) and drove down to Phoenix where it was center of the sun hot. The Bat and I stayed with my mother’s neighbors since that is where she is presently living, and it was perfect because they have a pool. When the Bat wasn’t doing plumbing work at my mom’s house or the neighbor’s, we sat in the pool and read and swam and felt like royalty. Sure, the real feel was 116 degrees but the water’s temperature was perfect and when we first got out, the dry heat would wick off all the moisture and itw ould feel cool, like we were back in Flagstaff.

We were in Phoenix briefly because we had to get back. Most of the time was spent in the pool, eating at restaurants, and putting crap in my car. My mom wanted to give me some items from my childhood and she and my cousin both gave me useful items like mixing bowls and cookware. I have a feeling that any time I show up with a car, I will be leaving with it loaded. We set out for Texas Friday morning and landed at the farm on Saturday afternoon because Monkey was there and the Bat, obviously, really missed her. We actually ended up working a lot and so I’m all beat up and in pain but it was a nice transition to being back to the real world and I was very pleasantly surprised to find that Monkey likes me again. I actually said something to her like “I’m glad you’ve decided you like me again” and she said “yeah, I wanted to apologize about that”. But I didn’t press it because I was just happy to have her back.

And so now we are home and last night I stayed at the Bat’s and we creaked and moaned like old people whenever we moved. Today, after work, I had to go back to his neck of the woods to pick up Bubbles, who I’d boarded, and that was awesome because I’d missed the stinker. The vet sent me pictures of her every day but I was extremely happy to have her back home with me. Even if it did cost a limb to board her for so many days. I’m happy to have her home and hope she’s happy to be here. Why she wouldn’t be I don’t know since I spoil her.

And that’s that. I know it is a piss poor essay on my vacation but at least I actually tried for once.


Monday, July 27, 2015

Sum Sum Summa Time

You Get in the Kitchen
My right hand must hate me at this point. More specifically, the fingers on my right hand. Remember when I chopped into my right index finger whilst opening a knife a couple of months ago? Or did I not mention that? Well, I scalded the shit out of my right middle finger, just below the nail, cooking this afternoon. It hurts like a son of a bitch. Seriously, I’d rather go through the chopping thing again than sit here and deal with this. The internet tells you to place the burn in cool water for a length of time and then to put cling film or a plastic bag on it. The cool water was fine but if I use plastic, I feel like the damn finger is on fire.

Clearly this is a sign that I should stop cooking. After all, the only reason I’d bought a nice new knife that would then be used to carve into my damned index is that I’d started to cook again. Today I was making a squid ink shrimp pasta dealie for lunch and stupidly scalded the finger. And the pasta, while good, wasn’t remarkable or worth the pain. It was basically purple pasta with some weirdly crunchy shrimp and a bit of spice. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it, but I won’t ask for it again.

Summer Timeeeeee!
I’m still enjoying my weekends in the country working on the house. This time we took down some sheet rock and put some up as well as took out ever more nails from walls. Oh, and on Friday night I chased the pig around because she was getting to places she shouldn’t be and no one was outside with me and I could hear the coyotes. Eventually I had to pound on the window to get the Bat and his friend to come out and help me. One wonders what the neighbors must think because I was yelling “Lucifer!” and “help!”, trying to stop Lucifer the dog from running (as it encourages the pig) whilst also hoping the Bat or his mom would hear me and come help me. And let me tell you, that little pig is much more a demon than that dog. Bitch straight up attacked Lucifer and wouldn’t let him run away. She also went after Bailey, the oldest dog in the world, which is akin to straight-lining an old person who is traveling down the sidewalk in a motorized wheelchair. Seriously, you don’t fuck with a sweet dog like Bailey who can hardly move. Even the Bat’s mom, who doesn’t like Lucifer, yelled at the pig and told her she started it and that if she went after Bailey again, she’d have the shovel coming right after her little pig behind.

Saturday was the longest day ever. The Bat was hungover and I was just dead tired so the day seemed like it was actually two separate days. The Bat and his friend had gone on a second run to Home Depot for some supplies and I’d asked Bat’s parents “it’s Saturday, right?” because for a moment I wasn’t sure. Meanwhile, the Bat referenced “yesterday” to the cashier and his friend had to say “uhm, no man, that was this morning.” But we got a lot done and the house is really coming along. One really weird thing happened though. Well, not weird but discomfitting. The Bat’s parents went to look at a tractor they are going to buy while the Bat and his friend were taking naps and I was reading. All of a sudden, shortly after they’d left, there was a knock on the door and the person just went ahead and opened the door and said “hi!!!” The Bat’s friend was actually in the living room, which has the front door, trying to sleep, so it was awkward for him and I think the people genuinely felt bad. The lady introduced herself and I recognized the name and realized it was the realtor. After getting permission from the Bat (as the only family member in attendance), I let them in to see what we had gotten done so far. When she got home, the Bat’s mother said “oh, yeah, I knew she was going to come over but I didn’t know when. I guess I should have told you.” She does that a lot, the Bat’s mom does, telling me things after the fact (like how that one burner doesn’t really work right, which I discovered after turning it on and having a mass of flames spark up).

This Friday I have a half day at work so that I can get my car taken care of and get Bubbles to the vet in preparation for our road trip to Flagstaff, Arizona. I have a feeling Friday is going to be here before I know it.