Thursday, August 28, 2014

Who's On the Line?

Have I mentioned how much I don't like meetings and how I seem to be in a lot of them lately? Right now I am working from home and am on a teleconference. I can barely hear the people speaking and that's a damn shame since this is a team meeting that deals with organizational changes. But all I can think about is farting really loudly into my phone to see if they notice. I don't know where everyone is located so I can't instant message people to make fun of colleagues or snark on the meeting because it might be seen by a boss or manager or the person I'm snarking on. All I can do is sit and pay half attention with one ear in case someone calls my name. Well that and play Farm Heroes Saga. I suck at Candy Crush but I'm not half bad at FHS and I like, when I beat a level or win an animal or something, that the game asks if I want to share the news. I've started saying yes and today I posted this:
 
Read it in the voice of Jesse Pinkman
Tomorrow begins my five day reprieve from the Hive as I've decided to refer to my work. I'm very much looking forward to that although I'm going to be missing a meeting that I'm actually interested in. But hey, not driving 70 miles a day and not having huge spikes in my blood pressure because of the shitty communication that goes on is worth it. And no, I have no plans. The Bat had discussed going camping with some friends but one of them is on call all weekend so that is out. I'll probably just faf about doing nothing. Well, nothing but defeating Rancid Raccoon and earning livestock in FSH. I'm toying with the idea of having a luxurious breakfast/brunch tomorrow but that would require my leaving the house, which would require me to take a shower and put on real clothes (the shower will happen no matter what, as soon as this fucking phone call is over). I don't know. We'll see. 

Speaking of making food, I officially cannot cook in the Bat cave. I'm a decent cook but every mother fucking thing I cook in this dude's oven, except for the savory tart, ends up tasting bland and boring. I don't know what it is because I never had this problem in my apartment in Mesquite or any of my apartments in Ohio. It's something about the cave. Also I'm the only one who cooked this week so far. The Bat promised me on Tuesday night to take me on a real date this week but he was super drunk and didn't remember any of the conversation we had. I told him about it - gave him the gist - and mentioned the date part so we'll see if that happens. All I know is that I'm either off the hook for cooking or else I need to stay away from that oven. 

Well, my meeting finally ended so I'd better get back to work. Yes, that's right, I wrote this during my meeting, which is essentially like texting someone because you're bored while waiting for something. I used you dear reader, I used you.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

White Flag

Pictured above: What I feel like in my office these days. By office I mean my open lay out none cubicle farm that I share with my colleagues. The above image depicts me hiding under my desk and waving a white flag in hopes that the assholes and idiots will just fucking stop.

Things are not going well for Simply at the moment. I'm having a shitty time at work and I don't have a support system at home. The Bat doesn't care about my work or how it affects me and I only get one day a week with Spectero so I'm a bit overwhelmed at the moment. My life has become a matter of counting down the days. Today is Wednesday so I have two work days (including today) to get through before my five day weekend. And it is only ten days before the Bat and I fly to Arizona to get my mom's car. Then I can sell my old, beloved Saturn and use that money to put down a deposit on an apartment.

Every day when I think I'm about to lose it, I just remind myself that there are only so many more days before x will happen followed by y. And who knows, maybe I'll put on my big girl pants and have the courage to look for a new job. Because this one is killing me due to the horrifically bad communication in my division.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Things I Miss

Warning folks, this is about my ex husband.

These are the things I miss about J. He was so fucking funny. I cannot begin to explain how hilarious he was. Like me, he got really annoyed when one of his jokes didn't make me laugh because that was something important to both of us. We also would watch stand up comedy and whenever there is anything that reminds me of him, I think of him. The Bat and I are watching either Transformers or Transformers 2. All I know is that J and I watched this comedian who had a joke about giving his wife either an oven or a vacuum for her birthday. Everyone booed and so he stressed that it was a really good oven/vacuum. He went on to say that he'd filled one of her childhood dreams because little girls grow up with easy bake ovens and fake vacuums. "If my wife came home on my birthday and gave me a car/truck that turned into a robot it would blow my mind."

J and I laughed at that a lot. Sometimes I can't remember everything about a funny story he told me, an anecdote from his day. Do you ever have something trigger a very tiny bit of memory and you wish you could remember the whole thing? That's what happens with me. J was so god damned funny and I wish I could remember all of his jokes.

He was also the smartest person I ever met. Don't get me wrong, the Bat is smart and capable but J was smart in an intellectual, unneeded way. With the Bat, I always know that if I/we can do it, we'll fix it ourself. With J, I'd muse about something and he'd have mused about it as well but done the research. That is why I know what a Blue Hen is, the mascot of my alma mater. And I just learned so much. Every time I see a bird and wonder what it is, I think of J because he would probably know given his random interest in birds. He is the reason I notice hawks at all. I'm so unobservant that I never noticed how many hawks and vultures I could see on any given day. Now, when I see a red tailed hawk, I think of J. There is a bird that frequents my office's parking lot and I think it is a grackle but I don't know for sure. J would know. J could tell me.

I miss the way that he, like me, would always find himself saying something that was redundant, ridiculous, or awful, call it, and explain in a joke. Here is my example. When J broke his ankle, I drove his car one day and mine the next. He was stuck at home and we wanted both cars to be maintained. One time, when I was driving his car, he pointed out that I need to keep the center glove box thing closed because otherwise thieves might see CDs and steal the car. I don't remember what it was but he mentioned something else. Then he said, in a totally "I'm joking because I know I just sounded like an ass" voice "I'm going to be giving you a bunch more rules, OK?" Maybe you had to be there, I don't know. I just know that we called awkward moments and when we realized we were being asses, we said something.

I still love J, of course. Not romantically. I google him from time to time, hoping to find a wedding announcement but  know that is ridiculous because he, like me, doesn't believe in marriage and he, like me, would never draw attention to himself. I wish, at least once a week, that I could have some confirmation that he was happy. I don't know why, considering I left him. I just think he is a phenomenal guy and I want him to be happy. And that is totally selfish of me. I want him to be happy and partnered so that I know he is happy and I did the right thing and I didn't ruin his life.
I truly want him to be happy but I guess there is a part of me that wants to know I didn't totally fuck him up.

I don't believe in marriage and I won't do it again. For a while I thought I would like it because I honestly did like being married to J. But I hurt someone, very much. So I'm not going to do that again. But I hope he has found someone worthy of him, someone who gets him. That is what he deserves.

Domesticity and Waxing


Warning: This post contains what is popularly referred to as TMI so you may want to skip the first part of this post. Especially if you are my brother. If you want to skip it, just scroll down to the second set of asterisk marks.
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I began getting Brazilian waxes a couple of months ago because I was tired of ingrown hairs and the pain that is shaving my own lady garden. I go to the same place every time because they are nearby and I don't need everyone checking out my bits and pieces. The first few times I got the same girl but this latest time I got a new one. I was kind of relieved because usual girl is chatty. I don't like talking to the person cutting my hair and I read when I get a pedicure. So I really do not feel like chatting whilst you are moving my labia here and there and spreading hot wax on me. As I said, I was relieved. This new girl wasn't a chatter but I felt like she was only a few moves away from giving me a complete gynecological exam. I almost laughed because it was kind of funny the way she'd move this lip back and then move my legs around to make sure she got all the hair. But it was just, well, odd. I believe she is what you'd call a perfectionist. 

My favorite part? When she had me get on my hands and knees so she could wax my crack. She asked if I was comfortable and I said yes while chortling on the inside because I was basically in doggy style, a position I am definitely familiar with. But I preferred that to what the usual girl does, which is to have me lay on my stomach and spread my cheeks with my hands. 

Now do you understand why I go to the same place all the time? Yeah. And for those who are scared of the Brazilian but who kind of want to try it, go for it. It isn't that painful at all (using tweezers to pluck your eyebrows hurts worse). And at least at my place, the people apply a numbing agent and offer you wine if you want (or coffee or water or some sort of juice). I was not expecting the backside waxing so that was a surprise and I'll let you know that yes, you do feel it when it's over with. Apparently that hair back there does something or just fills a gap because you definitely feel the difference. (Quick note about my use of the terms "crack" and "backside". You all know I'm not a prude and I use foul language but to say she waxed my asshole would not be correct as no wax was poured into me and then ripped out. That is also why I hate when women talk about having their vaginas waxed. No, you are having your pubis mons and labia waxed. Learn your anatomy people). 

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Other than the above, I had a relaxing weekend of watching the Albert Campion series whilst folding laundry and ironing a bit. I was really rather domestic with that shit. And today I will be cooking Polynesian chicken and this potato thing where you basically slice the potatoes almost all the way and put stuff on them and bake them. The Polynesian chicken is really easy and shouldn't take much labor on my part. Or else it wouldn't if I'd gotten the right ingredients. You use chicken pieces; I bought chicken breasts. So I am going to have to cut it all up into pieces. You also use crushed pineapple and peach preserves; I bought pineapple chunks and canned peaches so I had to go back to the store. I didn't buy the pineapple because I figure I can crush the ones I have. And the potato thing really is super simple and, happily, the oven temperatures are pretty much the same so I can throw the whole thing in at the same time. Score!

Why the domesticity? Well, when the Bat does laundry he leaves it on the sofa which means clutter and wrinkles. It bothered me so I folded it and ironed things and put it away and finished doing the rest of what he started and did some towels. As to the cooking, the Bat has decided that now that Monkey will be going back to school, we should all cook twice a week. I picked Sunday and will figure out what other night I want. But if the other two don't cook as well, I'll quit. I think it is a great idea because we will all eat better and it will help get everyone back into a routine. Speaking of which, I think mine might be off this week because I usually do Girl Date Night on Tuesdays but Spectero and I have a mutual friend whose birthday is Wednesday so we'll both prob go to that and I don't know if she'll want to do two nights cause of the money. Wednesday is also date night but, as I've said in recent posts, I don't think the Bat is really that into it so I don't know if we are going to continue with that. Which is a bummer for me but what can you do. 

For the rest of my day, I'm going to organize my room and hang a mirror so I can get ready in there rather than the Bat's bathroom (I want to get up earlier for work but don't want to disturb his sleep). I will also find another esoteric mystery series to watch. Back to the grind tomorrow for what I believe will be a stressful week. But, my friends, it will also be a short week for yours truly as I have Friday off and do not return to work until the following Wednesday. So take that stressy work. 

Here's to everyone having a great work week. 

Monday, August 18, 2014

Musing about the News


I understand that people are upset (justifiably so) about a young, unarmed man being shot and killed by a police officer. Of course I understand that. But what the hell are they doing in Ferguson? Yes, some are opportunists but looting, vandalism, and now firing at police officers does not say "we are concerned about and care for our community" to me. Those actions actually say the exact opposite as they are actively hurting their town's economy, raising the crime rate, and making it an all and all hell hole of a place to live. I did find it interesting that the police officer's race wasn't mentioned right away. I don't listen to the news 24/7 but I've read about this and heard snippets on the television from the time it happened but only today did I hear, on the radio, that the officer was white. Friends told me that yesterday so it had been reported, but I don't think we've entered into the race talks yet. Remember Zimmerman? Every media outlet made god damn sure that people were aware that he was a WHITE Hispanic. Because that way we can talk about how white people are going out of their way to kill black people.

When is the last time you've seen a community rise up in protest after either a white person has been killed by a black person or a black person has been killed by a black person? I'm not saying that the people of Ferguson don't have a right to be angry, because if Brown was truly unarmed and not acting in a threatening manner, there is something fucked up going on. I'm just really, really hoping we don't go through the race issue again. And it isn't necessarily the people of the town or average citizens, it is the media because they like to fuel the fire. Assholes.

And can I just say that while I know the Ferguson issue is escalating, I found it very odd that the local news didn't mention Governor Rick Perry once during my hour long commute. I heard about Ferguson at least three times but there was nothing reported on the Governor being indicted. Don't you think that is weird? I mean this is Texas for christ's sake, and Texas loves Texas and Texans think their state is the epicenter of the world. One would think the indictment of the fucking Governor would at least be mentioned. I don't know why I'm so curious about Rick Perry though. I don't like the guy and I'm glad he's going to leave his office to pursue another presidential bid (at least I think he plans on leaving his office) but I want to know if he has had previous issues with the Austin DA because so far he's said his actions were based on her blood alcohol level when she got her DUI and her behavior when she was arrested. (Side note: I am not, in any way, condoning drinking and driving but why the fuck would you consider a person's behavior during that kind of arrest? That's like saying you are going to veto funding because of the way she acted when she was drunk at a party. Again, drinking and driving is not cool but for some reason I find part of Perry's reasoning to be hilarious).

When the DA was arrested for her DUI, I emailed Austin and said something like "that's quite the DA you guys have down there." Yesterday I texted him with "Your DA and her DUI are fucking up all types of shit." Because Austin is solely responsible for the Austen DA in my mind. He just replied back with "we try our best" or "we do what we can" or something along those lines. If he's said anything more since, I don't know because I left my fucking phone at my friend's house last night. I don't really miss it, although now that my company has discovered Google hangouts and blocked them, I do not have the nice distraction of chatting with BFF throughout the day. Fuckers. I don't understand why they think social media and internet messaging is the scourge of the Earth. If someone spends all damned day on Twitter or Facebook, yeah, fire them because they are probably doing it anyway via their smart phone. But most people just check in on Facebook from time to time and I can chat with my girlfriends over IM while I'm working. Cause I can multitask.

Speaking of work, back to it.

Friday, August 15, 2014

My Lucky Stars Have Been Thanked

I know you've all been waiting with bated breath, lighting candles, sending prayers, waving crystals, etc. regarding my car issues so I'm beyond happy to give you the good news. I got my car back about an hour ago! I don't remember how many times my car was transported last time I blogged so this may be repetitious but whatev, it's my blog. So, here is what happened with my car, in list style.
  • On Sunday your intrepid blogger set out to tour an apartment. She noticed a stuttering and "something turning over" feeling in her car. She was worried but buried her head in the sand. 
  • On Tuesday morning, after dealing with Monday's commute, said intrepid blogger dropped her car off at Golden Rule, her go to neighborhood auto shop, and then walked home. 
  • Later that Tuesday, Golden Rule called SIB to inform her that the problem seemed to be transmission related and so they would organize a transfer of the car to Rowlett Transmission, Golden Rule's go to for transmission issues. 
  • Thursday roles around and SIB is about ready to lose her shit about her car and is tired of being stuck at home. Rowlett Transmission calls to let her know that the issue really seems to be underlying motor issues, causing the transmission to act up. The car is to be transferred back to Golden Rule. 
  • Finally, today, Golden Rule calls SIB and informs her of the issues and the estimate. SIB nearly pisses herself with joy because the price is not astronomical and isn't going to break her. 
So there you go. I got Peanut back and didn't lose all of my savings. I have to say, working from home since Tuesday drove me fucking batty and I'm looking forward to going into the office on Monday. So my mood is great. 

This is totally opposite of what I have a feeling the Bat's mood will be when he gets home. After work, he came home to grab some mattresses, throw them in the truck, and drive to his parents' house. They are switching out beds for Monkey's room and Monkey spent the week there. After that, he has to go to Allen to bid on a tile job. Then he'll get to come home and I have a feeling he won't be in a good mood simply because he won't have had a chance to chill out. So I'll leave him alone for a good forty minutes or until he approaches me because I know that feeling. We all know Simply does not like to drive anywhere or do chores after work and the Bat's chores involve a LOT of driving.

Tomorrow we are having lunch with a colleague of mine, along with his wife. Sunday we are having lunch with a couple friend of ours. I'm certain I'll need to hole up in my room Sunday night, having been peopled out. "But Simply, you've been home alone with no human contact all week! How can two days of socialization people you out?" I don't know, it just happens, leave me alone about it.

For the moment, I am going to sit in the greenhouse, drinking beer and listening to the Russ Martin show. I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend followed by a less emotionally traumatic week. 

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

My Car


I drive a 2000 Saturn SL1, did you know that? Well, if you know me in real life then yes, yes you do know that because I've driven the same car for the past eleven years. ELEVEN. I now, crazy right? Shouldn't I have gone through three or four by now? Nope, I still drive the second car I've ever owned (the first was a 90's Honda Accord). When I originally got Peanut (so named because that is what I found under the hood; my Honda was Cookie for the same reason), it only had 27,000 miles on it. Now, after eleven years how may do you think it has. Go ahead and guess, I'll wait ......
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To be honest, I don't know the exact number of hand but it is somewhere in the ballpark of 103K and change. Clearly I don't drive a lot, other than my present commute. When I was married, I did all the driving until J got a car but when we lived in DE, he usually preferred to drive and I've never driven very far on a regular basis. Also, every boyfriend I've had since my marriage has preferred to drive because everyone hates my car. I didn't even hit the 100K mark until I not only drove down to Texas but commuted back and forth to the office a few times.

Why did my boyfriends and ex-husband hate my car? Apparently it feels like you are driving a toy that is going to break any minute. When J broke his ankle one winter, I would alternate between my car and his Impala. When I drove the Impala I would feel like I was driving a tank or a boat on my way to work but would be acclimated by the time I got home. Next day I'd get into my Saturn and good lord they were all right. My car is made out of bird bones, pipe cleaners, and a wish. It also vibrates and rattles, though less now than it used to. But it is also very well maintained. Mechanics always say "you take real good care of this little car don't you?" To which I respond, "no, you guys do. I just show up."

To be honest, I love my little car, even if it does feel like a toy that is going to break and even though I've had to pour a lot of money into it over the years (then again, wouldn't any car need money when owned for this long?) It looks like hell too, by the way. Remember a couple of years ago when I got into an accident and had them paint it black because I didn't like the red? There are many places where the pain is pealing off so you can see that it was originally red (fun fact: Saturn apparently used a very particular type of paint so when having body work done, it is actually cheaper to repaint the entire thing than to just have the messed up parts painted. Or at least that is what that particular Maaco franchise told me. Keep in mind they also left an aerosol can on my exhaust manifold, something I discovered when I went to Jiffy Lube for an oil change). And remember a couple of years ago when I got into another accident (this is the more recent one)? There is a piece of my car hanging off over the wheel on the back passenger side. People generally notice it after having seen my car numerous times and then ask "when did that happen?" "A few Valentine's Days ago" I respond.

But again, I like my little car, a lot. I'm going to miss the hell out of it when I get a new one. But I am saving up for a new car and the Bat assured me I could find a small pickup truck or an SUV with a hitch for 3K so I've neared my goal. Moving was going to take a bite out of it but you know, life. And then Sunday happened, the day I went and saw that lovely apartment. Beginning that day, I started feeling something turn over or stutter when I accelerated, worse with the A/C on. So I took it to my local mechanic shop, Golden Rule, yesterday, because I can walk to it and go home and work. Unfortunately, they said it was a transmission issue and had to refer me elsewhere. They were nice though, and called the other shop that they always use and arranged that someone would come pick up my car because, as I told the GR dude, I couldn't walk home from that other place.

I haven't heard from the transmission shop and I'm too chicken shit to call because I don't want to know. Transmission issues are always expensive, aren't they? And they don't even make my car anymore so that might add into it. The is a chance I'm going to have to forgo fixing my car and find a "new" one, hopefully one without a huge monthly payment.

So yeah, huge wrench in my fucking plans to either buy a new car or move out. But I'll tell you what, I don't know if it is the medication(s) or I'm used to it at this point, or I've just matured or what but I haven't freaked out about it yet. I haven't fallen into a heap crying over it like I used to. Instead, I just have a knot in my stomach, feeling so much dread as I wait for the call. That and I'm going nuts with cabin fever because I can't fucking go anywhere and have been working from home.  But I know that I'll figure something out no matter what so I guess I'm just maturing a little bit. I still have moments where I'm amazed that I'm an adult who has a job with benefits and a 401K and it's moments like this when I'm both grateful for that (the being an adult part) but also feel like a phony because I want to scream " I don't know what to do! Help me!"

Instead, I just keep my phone on me at all times and hope for the best whilst expecting the worst. Wish me luck friends.