Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Moving on Up

Well, not entirely. The area I've moved to is half seedy and half trying to be nice suburban. There are shopping centers with large, clean grocery stores but also pawn shops and, oddly, a place that purports to sell seafood and hot wings. Seriously, "Seafood and Hot Wings." I don't know why but that just strikes me as a very odd combination.

I also see/hear the police more often than I'd like. Then again, I also saw a young girl, no older than 12, riding her bicycle unaccompanied so it can't be that bad, right? And I was able to buy my gun back so I feel safe enough.

The apartment itself is perfect for me. The rooms are somewhat small but for a single girl and her pets, what more do you need? I get tons of light from the balcony, which Bubbles really enjoys, and I can do my laundry whenever I want in my own washer and dryer. The Bat commented that I'd had that for months because I lived with him but it's not the same. I've never lived on my own with my own washer and dryer. I tried it out yesterday and it took me awhile to figure out how to turn the washer on but I got it eventually. The appliances are all old but they'll do, especially since I won't be using many of them very often. I've learned that I have to wait some time before restarting the dryer if my items aren't fully dried and that my stove runs hot so I need to put it a few degrees lower than a recipe calls for. And although I have a dishwasher, I'm pretty much just using it as a drying rack (so I need to remember to get my things out of there and put them away.)

I've been there since Thursday, without access to the internet, but I've powered through by setting things up and reading. It was a goddamn nightmare trying to order wireless and I literally had to speak with six different people before the order could be put through. I'll leave work at 1:30 today so that I'll be at my place when the guy arrives because I'm not missing my damned appointment after waiting so long. I did cheat and use my phone a bit but my data plan is shitty so I tried to shy away from doing that. Mainly I just read and texted people. Oh, and hung out with Bruce and his husband on Saturday. Bruce and I even came up with this awesome blog idea, one that we will never actually do, but which would be hilarious.

The Bat's day porter got sick and couldn't help with the move so it was just the two of us and we both hurt our backs. I thought that was special. We both really felt it yesterday and even though I was dead tired, I had a ton of trouble sleeping and staying asleep. Ended up getting to the office at 6:30 this morning and can't get enough of people telling me I look tired.

Oh, I mentioned Bubbles enjoying the sunlight. She's doing way better now that she is in my place. Instead of hanging out in one spot all the time, she runs around, comes and gets me when she's hungry or just wants loves, and has been her old self, which is a relief. Today is my first day back at work so hopefully she isn't peeing on everything because of separation anxiety or anything. Johan, of course, is perfectly fine and couldn't care less as long as I keep him in hay.

As for me? I'm happy. I like my place and like it all the more every time I put things away or straighten things up. I need to start hitting thrift stores so that I can slowly begin gathering nicer items but for now, it will do. I bought a mattress pad for my bed because I got used to the Bat's temperpedic-esque mattress and didn't want to feel every spring in mine. It's lovely and super comfortable, which is great since I don't have a couch yet, just wooden dining room chairs and two decorative chairs that I don't think you are really supposed to sit on. Oh, and my patio site, of course, but then, all that light means it's really warm in the afternoons so I don't want to sit out there.

My legs are all banged up and I'm super tired today but my commute is shorter, I'm on my own, and I'm pleased with how things are coming together. And I'm due to get internet today so how could I even consider a bad mood? 


Thursday, October 9, 2014

Inarticulate

You know what I'm surprisingly bad about at times? Expressing myself appropriately or thinking things through before I say them. With regards to not expressing myself appropriately, I end up sounding like an idiot and sending email after email trying to clarify what it is I meant. One of my ex boyfriends and I used to get in huge fights because he would never talk on the phone and then he'd take something I sent in a text or email wrong and no matter how much I tried to explain, he'd just call me a liar and decide that I meant what he thought. That was awesome.

Worse is the not thinking things through. This has happened twice (at least) with the Bat and I just now did it, which is what gave me the idea for this post. Today I made a joke and it was so tasteless and ill advised given the history between me and the Bat that I should have known it would come off as hurtful. That's something that just tears me up when it happens, my hurting someone when I had no intention to.

Because I don't like to hurt people. Sure, if you hurt me and we are arguing I will make a few digs but I generally don't go for the jugular and I certainly don't try to wound when I'm just joking around. Hurting someone with malice is terrible and doing it by accident is ... I don't even know. When I do it I end up feeling ashamed, stupid, and like the person I hurt will never, ever believe that I didn't mean it. I'm a smart girl but I fuck things up on occasion because I fail to think them through. But when you are a smart and sarcastic person, I can imagine it must be difficult to believe you when you say "I didn't mean it!" after you've said something that offended the other party.

I'm also disappointed because he and I were finally getting along and were chatting back and forth and then I put my foot in it. So I broke down our relations and upset somebody.

And I hear you out there, telling me not to be upset considering how much he has hurt me in the past. But that doesn't matter. Just because you hurt me doesn't mean I have any desire to hurt you, especially if we are getting along.

I feel like an ass.

UPDATE
Callous, that's what it is. I was callous and thoughtless and just spit out a remark without thinking for a moment and my god why do I do things like that? 

UPDATE 2
Oh my god! I just realized that if the Bat and I were in opposite sides of all that has happened, I would be sitting here thinking he was getting along with me and chatting with me just waiting for the right time to throw something really mean and hurtful at me. How is it that I do things like that? It wasn't subconscious or anything, it just was a terrible error in judgment based on peoples' names. God I'm dumb 

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Trading Down

So, now that I've totally burned bridges with the Bat, I can talk about something that helped me get over the whole "he told me he wasn't going to date or start things while I was in his house and then he started things while I was not only in his house but he was fucking me" thing.

Some girls do this. I'm not going to say we all do as I've never done it before, but some do. BFF and I looked up his new girlfriend's Facebook and we seriously thought it must be a joke. So here are some details about the Bat's newest sex toy.

  1. She has a really cute one year old.
  2. She is in her late twenties.
  3. She was recently let off probation and so is no longer a felon (birds of a feather).
  4. She fucking loves weed man.
  5. She has bad tattoos.
  6. She likes anything with a rose on it because that is her middle name.
  7. She spent about three years as an independent wrestler and is now a dog groomer.
  8. She likes skin tight, loudly patterned dresses when she goes out.
  9. She lives with family (she only moved to Texas in August so maybe she's just trying to get on her feet).
  10. She didn't mind that a guy was setting up a relationship with her whilst he was fucking his ex girlfriend who lived with him.
  11. She uses the term "hun".
  12. She was married in either March of this year or last year but I guess that didn't stick. I'm not holding that against her but dude, if it was this year, kind of early isn't it? But different strokes for different folks.
I honestly think this will be a good relationship for the Bat. He will either be smarter than her or on par with her intelligence and he used to get weirdly defensive at odd times with me. Sorry, I'm smart and I'm not going to dumb myself down. They both love weed. They both have sordid pasts. Neither pursued higher education (which is fine). They both have questionable morals when it comes to sexual relationships. They clearly have the same level of respect for women. Neither is very ambitious or career oriented (again, totally fine). The only troubling issue is the tattoos because the Bat does not like tattoos. But I'm sure they can smoke a bowl and he'll get over it. Oh, and she, too, is originally from California.

Now, I'm not a super model and I'm not perfect but here is what I brought:
  1. No criminal record.
  2. I have a grown up job with a 401K.
  3. No trashy tattoos.
  4. I'm smart enough to make my Facebook page private (cause if ex girlfriends can find you, potential employers can too)
  5. I may dress poorly (well, that's behind me) but you would never call my taste trashy (cause elderly/frumpy is so much better).
  6. I'm a smart girl and I have a BA which means I have ambition.
  7. I am very driven in my work.
  8. I own TWO cars (OK, that actually sucks and someone needs to buy one of these).
  9. No criminal record.
  10. I can afford to live on my own and am just gnawing at the bit to get the fuck out of here.
  11. I have standards and will not mess with a guy who is messing with another girl, I don't care if they are together, friends with benefits or what.
So I have nothing against this girl other than her not giving a shit that the Bat was fucking someone and setting shit up with her but let's face it, if you could medal in trading down, the Bat got the fucking gold.

I think these two will be happy together and that is all that matters. I don't really care what happens to the Bat although I certainly do not wish him ill in any way since he has a kid and a family that loves him. If this is what he is into, go for it. But honestly, both BFF and I have thought "is this a joke" and "this must just be a sexual relationship set up because really?"

And yes, if it had turned out that new girlfriend was super hot and accomplished, I would be feeling like shit. Who knew I'd actually come out feeling better? For one, he is a lying, hypocritical, hurtful on purpose piece of shit. For two, I'm kind of embarrassed that I spent a year with this guy given his taste.

Feeling Pretty & Learning New Rules



Dress Me Up
So far today I've been told I look beautiful, stunning, and like I just walked out of Chanel. Who knew that taking some damn time and caring about how you look would make such a difference. The Bat actually gets some kudos for this because he told me few weeks ago that I needed to get new clothes and to dress my age. "You're 33, not 63." And he was right so I can't fault him. I do dress like an old woman for work and really boring at home (almost all of my play clothes shirts are solid colors and black). So yesterday I pulled myself together, got dressed up and put on some makeup and headed to an inexpensive store where I purchased four work dresses and one badass fancy red dress for when I go on a fancy date one day. This morning I woke up 20 minutes early and put on makeup (well, also to get out of the house earlier to try and beat traffic) and spent more than 5 minutes on my appearance. When I got to work, one of my friends said "how are you at taking compliments?" I said "uhm, OK I guess." and he responded with "you look beautiful today."

Talk about an ego boost! I used to dress well and wear makeup but I guess I stopped for some reason years ago. But now, while I'm not going to go broke buying myself new clothes, I am going to make an effort if only when I'm going to be seen by other people. READ: Once I'm living in my new apartment we can go back to sweatpants or no pants if I don't plan on going anywhere.

So kudos to the Bat for lighting a fire under my ass. But fuck him for telling me I was chubby just to screw with me awhile ago. That shit still ain't cute (though it did lead to the clothing discussion). And after work I'll run to Target and grab a few cute tanktops for my off hours since it is still eleven billion degrees in Texas.I figure I'll spend more money on work clothes than play clothes for right now and just be really thoughtful with what I buy - and actually try it on.

Four A's of Dating
OK, new nickname time. I have a friend at work that I take smoke breaks with and he cracks me up (he's the one who said I looked like I'd just walked out of Chanel) and we, for some reason, bag on Gywenth Paltrow a lot (no disrespect meant by the spelling of her name; I just don't know how to spell it and I am too lazy to look). We also keep trying to find celebrities to follow because we're like that. I'll call him Liberace until he IMs me back with a preferred nickname.

So we went out for a smoke and we were talking about dating and he laid out the Four A's of Dating, something I'd never heard about. Maybe you haven't either so here you go.
  1. Available. Not only should you both be totally single, neither one of you should be hung up on a past partner (see my last post about people who really need to move on). So physically and emotionally available.
  2. Affluent. This doesn't mean wealthy but you should have similar socioeconomic backgrounds and career focus. I think that's what he said. It sort of made sense at the time.
  3. Appropriate. You should only date people you wouldn't be ashamed of meeting your friends or family. His analogy was dating some 22 year old because people would look at him like "mid life crisis much?" Makes sense.
  4. Attraction. Both parties should be physically and emotionally attracted to one another or it just won't work. 
 Makes a lot of sense when you think about it. The Bat and I were attracted to one another physically but that's about all we ever had going for us. Well, we come from similar socioeconomic backgrounds but our jobs are very different and I think we have very different career goals/ambition. And it is totally OK that we really only had the physical attraction thing going for us because we had a lot of fun together for awhile there. Plus, it's always good to learn new things about people and about how men might view me so yay for learning.

Now, when I start dating again, I have some things to keep in mind. But I won't be jumping back into the game as fast as Bruce would like (that was the name my friend picked after he said "Super Happy, With it Gay Friend") because I still need to get out of the house and get myself settled and just focus on me. 

Besides, I still have some shopping to do.
 

Monday, October 6, 2014

Build a Bridge Dude.

Bitters
You know what I don't get? I liked this page on Facebook called something like "I'm Done with Your Betrayal and Deceit" because, you know, my most current ex is a total douche bag. And I like the page for some of its memes and its purpose but god damn are these people bitter.

Yes, I was incredibly upset for a couple of days when I found out that the Bat has a new girlfriend but then I got over it. I have some remarkable friends who support and love me. I've also wanted out of this house since freaking March or April and haven't really liked the Bat that much so why the hell should it bother me? Other than being lied to and used of course. Whatever, I'm stupid but he's an asshole. Live and learn.

But this Facebook page is so bitter at times and makes it sound like the world is only filled with assholes, love is a myth, and you should probably just reup your subscription to whatever premium porn site you like. I mean, they have nicer things than that but a lot of it is just really sad. And a lot of the commenters are bitter and dejected and clearly hung up on an ex so it's really kind of sad. Part of me thinks I might want to unfollow it because dude, that isn't me at all. Sure, right now I think men are misogynists who use women willy nilly and I have no use for them and can't wait till it's just me and the animals, but eventually I'll be sitting at a bar and some good looking guy will start chatting with me and I'll end up in a loving, healthy relationship with someone who deserves me and who I deserve.

No offense but get the fuck over it. If the person hurt you that much s/he is a cunt and you are way better off without him/her. Also, get a hobby and stop bitching about it on a public Facebook page.

A Different Ex
As I mentioned some time ago, J, my ex husband, recently contacted me. Man was that emotional. He was all types of nice to me and apologized for shit like not taking any responsibility for our divorce and treating me badly when we moved to Ohio, and just all sorts of stuff. Eventually I told him to quit apologizing and that I felt bad. He said  wasn't allowed to feel bad for his feeling bad for hurting me so I told him he could go ahead and keep feeling like a dickhole and I'd make stuff up if he wanted. Since then we've just talked every day, mainly by text, and it's been fantastic. I'm even flying out in November to see him. Sure, we'll never be more than good friends, but I never stopped caring for him and he's always been one of my favorite people. He still makes me laugh just like he always did ad I like hearing about his adventures in dating. He's currently seeing a new girl and he literally told me "she thinks I'm smart and funny and I like that she thinks that" which made me giggle. He was serious but it was funny because it was such an honest thing to say.

He's also been really helpful with my current situation and has offered me some perspective or, you know, basically just said "I'm sorry this happened. No, you aren't a jerk and you don't deserve this you just have a bad history with men who treat you badly. You aren't a Cunt Magnet." That was nice to hear because I asked him what the hell it was about me that led men to put me at the bottom of their priority lists and to just be hurtful. Sounds like I just have really poor taste. Although, let's be fair, J wasn't that bad of a guy, things just didn't work out.

I really look forward to visiting him and getting to be in Ohio during the fall because Texas sucks at Autumn. Also, he and I are going to get dressed up and go to one of the yuppie restaurants in his neighborhood. There we will order the cheapest appetizer to share and drink the cheapest of wine. Because we are weird people who like going to places and whispering about how we totally don't belong there. I'll also get to introduce him to Tits and we will all go to the casino in the early evening like the Bob Evan's early bird special people that we are.

So there you have it. That's where I am. Bounced back quickly didn't I?

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Open Letter to Myself

Get it together, Simply. What are you so upset about? Let's look at the person who hurt you.

He is a 37 year old man whose main confidant is his 15 year old daughter. That is his peer group actually, kids his daughter's age because after his divorce, he shut everything down and just focused on his kid. That part is awesome, the focusing on his kid. But it's like he never grew up and has stayed the same age as Monkey.

He is incapable of forming meaningful relationships because it is just him and his kid against the world. Everyone else can go fuck themselves. He's weirdly obsessive about his kid and doesn't understand why things like going camping with two teenage girls, without his daughter and without anyone else, is creepy. Again, he's emotionally stunted.

He's also lied to you countless times and withheld vital information. He is a hypocritical liar, girl!

And let's not forget that you have only ever meant one thing to him; you were always just a piece of ass.

So does it hurt what he did? Yes, of course it does. But think about what you'll be walking away from. A 37 year old child who lies and serves as a terrible role model for his daughter. A misogynist, an egoist, and a creepy, creepy man.

So you can be sad because your feelings are hurt and you feel sick at the betrayal, but you have to get over that soon, OK? You only have ten more days in this wretched prison of a house and then you will be free from all of it.

And next time be a bit better about your choices OK? You deserve a happy, healthy, loving relationship. Don't settle for anything less, OK?

Sincerely,

Yourself

PS: He said he hasn't done anything with that girl but make sure you follow up with the gynecologist because god knows what he might have picked up. He's a liar after all.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Fucking Lying Ass Hypocrite

A little while after the Bat and I broke up, I was talking with Ghost Boy, an erstwhile ex boyfriend. We decided we'd try dating again once I was out of the house and I told the Bat about this. Once it was confirmed, I told the Bat I couldn't fool around with him anymore. He got pissed. He told his kid and anyone else who was around and just acted like I'd done the worst thing possible. He says I didn't mention that I wouldn't date till October; I'm pretty sure I did but it doesn't matter because Ghost Boy reminded me of how jealous and distrustful he was.

Today, the Bat blew me off again. I went to my room to watch Netflix and I wanted a smoke. So I went to his room and thought I'd check the news. Dumbass had his Facebook up, with the messages open and I got to see that he's been flirting with and beginning a relationship with someone new.

Last night we tried to have sex. He was drunk and could't get it up and he actually hurt me and scared me so I left the room. And all this time, he's been using me and thinking of someone else and just lying to me.

What the fuck is wrong with me and why do I pick the wrong men?