Monday, November 24, 2014

Goodnight Johan

Johan
I have neglected this blog for so long and have so many good things to write about but all I want to talk about right now is this: DEAD.

I had an optometry appointment this afternoon. It seemed to last forever and when I got home, I took Johan out of his cage and sectioned him off so I could clean his home. He was fine. When I put him in his fresh new cage he was fine. 60 to 90 minutes later I found him laying under his water bottles (he has two because of his drinking problem). He NEVER lays there. NEVER. If he is out of his pigloo, Johan lays in the far right corner of his cage, directly across from his water bottles but not underneath them.

What's more, he was laying on his side, another thing I'd never seen him do.

I petted him. He was warm but he didn't respond. I rustled the hay. He did not respond. I went into the kitchen to get a piece of pepper to put in front of him. He did not respond.

I watched Johan die. You have no clue how hard I wept. I texted the Bat when I realized what was happening and then I called J, sobbing and wailing and carrying on. We spoke for I don't know how long. I wanted him to know because he knew Johan and knew what he meant to me. The Bat's reaction was "how do you know? Pick him up?" J's reaction was "I'm so sorry, honey, I wish I was there to take care of this for you." It isn't that the Bat is a bad guy, he just doesn't have the same history with Johan.

Johan. Johan the Destruktor. That's true as he destroyed my heart. I loved him so much and he'd been there through so much, even if he never took any notice.

It's going to take some time before I wake and walk towards the bathroom, expecting to hear him squeak at me. It's going to take time before I stop hearing him shuffling around in his bedding, burbling, occasionally pop corning, being his usual happy self. It's going to take so god damn long before I stop expecting to hear him. Even when I stay at other places I wake up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and expect to hear him. And I'm going to see where I kept his cage, even though I threw out everything but one that belonged to him. I'm going to find hay and it is going to kill me.

I started crying and did not stop for three hours. Even then it kept coming at times.

I don't care. I don't fucking care what anyone thinks of me. Yes, it was *just* a guinea pig, but it was my fucking guinea pig and I loved him so much. I loved him. He was my surly little asshole. He was my buddy. He was there all the time.

And now he's not. So fuck you if you think I'm over reacting. We all have something and I always knew, from the moment I got my guinea pig, that he would be it.

What is left of my already shattered heart is in tatters. I love you Johan the Destruktor. And I always will. Thank you for coming out to say goodbye to me. Thank you for letting me have a chance to say goodbye to you. 

Monday, November 3, 2014

More Awesome Texting With Austin

Austin: "Got your facebook message. I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable liking that. I don't like any pages on fb except for ones work requires me to like."

Simply: "Totally understandable."

Simply: "I mean, uh, we are no longer friends. That's the right reaction, yes?"

Austin: "Yes, it's been a good 12years. Well, nice knowing you. Have a good life."

Simply: "What happened to your friend, Austin? He wouldn't like my fetish Facebook page so I trashed 12 years of friendship."

Austin: "Oh wow. Yeah. Nuff said."

Simply: "You ask one possibly compromising favor and what do you get? Amirite?"

Austin: "You think you know people."

Simply: "I know! It's like my former friend Tina. I asked her to help me with one virgin sacrifice and se was all 'I'm not comfortable with that. And the girl is 13!' Like she even knew the kid!"

Austin: "lol"

Simply: "That would be an epic story though. 'Yeah, Simply wouldn't stay friends with me over a Facebook thing.'"
Austin: "If I had to write an obituary for our friendship, I'd want to go out like that."

Simply: "Def."

Austin: "No drift apart or that shit for us."

Simply: "And I'd delete the site and make a new one to raise money for MS so you'd look like a dick."

Austin: "lol you didn't want to give money to friends of MS Irving Chapter? You are an asshole, man."

Austin: "I swear that wasn't the original link."

Simply: "Dude, she has MS. What the fuck, you couldn't even like the page? Who are you?"

Simply: "Sure it was. And Tiny Tim had the cane for attention."

Austin: "Actual lol."

Simply: "So MS and crippled children are funny now? My god, Austin, THAT? That is the legacy you want to leave behind?"

Austin: "I imagine friends who don't even know you ditching me for you. 'You know, I work with you and all but I'm going to start texting Simply."

Simply: "Dude, that was fucked up. I messaged Simply and she's a sweet girl. How could you shit on her when she faces such struggles?"

Simply: "Did you seriously send her a bunch of wheelchair pictures saying 'see you soon'?"

Austin: "It as supposed to be ironic. Jeez."

Simply: "You know this is all going on my blog right?"

A Quick Upate

Short Lived
But it was nice whilst it lasted. So I met that guy on a dating site and he's awesome. He has a great personality and he made laugh really hard in person and via text. Unfortunately, I didn't feel that romantic spark and so had to end it. I realized this when we met up on Saturday and confirmed it when we had lunch on Sunday. I told him today and I felt horrible about it. But of course he took it in stride because he's awesome. I'm bummed that the chemistry was there because he was so nice and complimented me all the time. He's affectionate and ambitious and just a really great guy. But what can you do? I think I'll take a bit of time before I try again. Slap in the face, honestly, because seriously? This guy is perfect and I just feel nothing.

Facebook Page
I'm not going to link it here because you people do not need to know about the site but the Bat and I co edit a Facebook page and it's been an interesting hobby. I've learned all sorts of things about editing photos and can now do that thing where the photo is black and white with a single color (thank you Light Room and dude who made that YouTube video). I've also learned how to watermark the photos he and I take so that if anyone takes them from the site, they will bear our site's name. I plan on going back through and updating the photos already on the page but it's a pain in the ass. I like that the Bat and I get along well enough that we can do this and that I have a new hobby that is causing me to learn new things. I always wondered how people made certain photos and now I'm one of those people. Go me!

Hi Ho, Hi Ho
Because I am not that bright, I had to put in two requests today to get access to shit I need to test some projects. I asked KC and the Sunshine Band, who is now my lead, if she had anything for me and she gave me the best task. I'm taking sections from a document and comparing them to what our process really is so that we have a client facing document. Yeah, you don't need to know what that all means. The fun of it is that I get to both edit the former document to correct small mistakes and get to use my detail oriented little mind to make sure things are absolutely correct. And, as I told KC, it got all types of dorky up in here when I ran a process and it did exactly what it was supposed to (if you run a request for a member who is not in the database, a record will be inserted into the database and it worked!)

My commute is better these days, although I'm pretty sure I got lucky with the homeward trip because usually the LBJ is all types of fucked up. But the morning commute is usually great because I leave so god damn early. I'm saving money on gas because the trip is shorter, which is awesome, although I filled up on Saturday for $2.55 a gallon, the likes of which I have not seen in fucking ages.

Car
Just a quick update on my car. The Bat put my Texas license plates on for me and now I have trouble identifying my car at home. There are legit at least four cars (including mine) that are silver and look like my damned car so now that I have Texas plates, I have a tendency to get confused and go to the wrong one. Oy. I have, however, gotten used to the brakes and only hard brake on the rare occasion.

Also in car news, I sold my Saturn! I can't tell you what a fucking relief that was! This young kid came to test drive it and he said he had $1,400 on him and it sounded like he was going to say he could get the other hundred (by this point it had been listed at $1,500) but since he had cash and he reminded me of Upstairs Kid, I was fine, especially since $1,400 was my goal. But my GOD it took forever to sell that shit.

And there you have it, a quick update on my life. The Bat's birthday is on Friday but I probably won't see him. I gave him a kickass present early so he totally owes me for my own birthday. That will be interesting.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Well What Do You Know, Online May be Fine

Dating
I started talking to a guy on the dating website who originally messaged me discussing my profile. We ended up messaging back and forth and texting back and forth for the entire afternoon and into the evening. We did this for a couple of days and then I met up with him this afternoon.

Before we met up, he told me that he would be honest and if he didn't feel anything, he would let me know. I figured that was just fine and really nice of him so that I wouldn't have to sit and wait to find out how he felt.

So we met up at a Starbucks. I was nervous and the nerves were doubled because I never leave my office building so don't know where anything is or, if I go out to lunch, someone else drives. But I got there and he'd already arrived so I said hello and whatever you say at the beginning of a conversation when you meet someone in real life for the first time. We ended up talking for at least 90 minutes, sharing anecdotes and laughing a ton. My friend, Bruce, immed me as soon as I was back in the office and said that it must have went well if you were gone two hours.

Remember how I said online dating is an ego boost because guys tell you you are pretty, beautiful, etc? I told this guy that I was worried he'd be disappointed when he met me in person even though the pictures he's seen on the site are all current. Well, when I got back to the office, I texted him to let him know I didn't die on the way back and he said "I still think you are a beautiful woman." I said "thank you" and then, because I'm an awkward jackass, I texted "wait, is that like 'I think you are a beautiful woman but..."

He would like to see me again. And I would like to see him again. We are definitely going to take it slow though. We'll see.

Interesting Development
So remember how the Bat was setting up a new relationship whilst still fucking me? Did I mention that I sent the chick a message to say "just FYI, he's been fucking someone else." Then Bat told me he'd told her everything so I sent another message apologizing for the intrusion and that the Bat had informed me he'd told her everything. Well, who do you think sent me a Facebook message today? Yep. And she told me that the Bat told her everything but he didn't say that he was still having sex with me. She then said (and I'm paraphrasing because the way she wrote it is cringe worthy) "The thing is that I don't know if you are being honest. Jealous women can lie and be conniving. I don't mean to be rude but there is that." I told her I understood, especially as she didn't know me and because I couldn't prove it. We chatted a bit more going back and forth and then just wished one another well.

When I got back to the office, I emailed the Bat and told him. He said that he did tell her but that she must not have listened and he didn't care what she thought. He apparently read my post about the four A's of dating and took them to heart, which is kind of cool and I know Bruce would love to know that they are getting spread so far and wide. Oh, and I apologized to the Bat for messing things up with him and that girl but he said he didn't care because she didn't really fit in with his four A's.

Interesting turn of events these days, eh? 

Monday, October 27, 2014

Online Not So Fine

Oh the joys of online dating. I'm not really even sure why dating sites have you fill out a profile to be honest. Very few people seem to read them so instead of men between the ages of 35 and 40 contacting me, I get 58 year old dudes complimenting me on my eyes and asking if I want to chat, 47 year old medics sending me their phone numbers so we can text, and on an on. One of my particular favorites was a guy who, after we'd talked quite a bit and established that I was not interested in dating him, offered to set me up with a threesome. Seriously, that happened. Oh, and I was going to meet this guy on Sunday for coffee but I asked him on Friday to tell me a little bit about himself because you can only get so much information from a profile. He eventually got back to me Saturday evening saying "I want you..." Needless to say, I've blocked him. 

I will say this for the online thing though - it is quite the ego boost. I get all kinds of men telling me that I am beautiful and that's rad as hell. I do, however, like the guys who comment on my profile when they contact me so that I know they've read it. Otherwise I get 20 somethings or guys with kids or, as I said, really old dudes. And it will never cease to amaze me that guys think they can send a message of just "hey, sexy" and think my panties are going to drop off then and there. I guess that works with some women but really? I've had guys say things like "Hello, beautiful. I found your profile interesting and hope to get to know you better. Message me back if you are interested." That's OK because he mentions that he read my profile. So much better than just "hey gorgeous" and no content of any merit.

Some of the guys are nice and I've had a few good conversations. I've not set up any dates or anything because I want to take it nice and slow and make sure I'm really interested. But all in all, I hate online dating as much as I hate real life dating (well, maybe less so since with the online thing I'm hidden behind my computer and dude doesn't have my phone number). But what else do you do when you are 33/almost 34 and single? I don't attend church, doubt I'll meet a guy at the grocery store, and don't go out much because I don't know a great deal of people yet. 

I just figure I'll plug along and live my life and eventually meet someone. I certainly hope so. But that poor bastard is really going to have to prove to me that he's worth me because I'm done with bad relationships.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Honesty, Evasion, Stupidity

Some time ago, I mentioned that my mother said that I picked poor choices in men because I'm a people pleaser and I admitted that she was right. Last night I realized that I'm also too forgiving, too hopeful, and give too much benefit of the doubt to people and so I end up getting angry, hurt, disappointed, or annoyed.

I'm not sure how to change either of those things, the people pleasing or the hopeful/forgiving/benefit of the doubt giving. It's basically saying I need to readjust a big part of my personality and how the fuck do you do that? I think I may just need to be less trusting and gullible. I think I mentioned how I was talking to my friends during a girls' night and they said that when you date people are so fake. Dumbass over here realized that yeah, that's true. But the thing is, I'm always my authentic self, warts and all, and so I guess I assumed other people would be as well. That is among the dumbest things I've ever said, right up there with "I figured they were interested in what I had to say" when, after my separation, I realized men looked at me differently.

I don't want to be the sort of person who just never trusts anyone ever. An ex boyfriend of mine was like that and it was frustrating as hell. But I guess I need to be wary at the beginning, when I first meet a guy, and once things are going well, just sort of keep vigilant so that I don't get fucked over. But then, what if they are fucking you over and you have no clue? The Bat had been talking to that chick for two weeks and I had no inclination whatsoever that he was dating or pursuing anybody. I found out by complete accident and was so horrified that I freaked out. I got over it, eventually, and we started being friends again and I trusted what he told me only to find out that he either lied or just withheld information that he knew I'd want to know, that he ought to have shared with me.

Because I'm an idiot. I trusted him and assumed that he really did feel bad about hurting me and that he'd be really careful not to do it again. Then again, he doesn't really owe me anything. But even if you are my friend, I expect you to be truthful with me and not evasive because "you didn't ask" or simply not responding to a text is not a get out of jail free card. It's a shady way of acting and individuals who do that sort of thing know it is shady behavior so they kind of feel a bit bad already and then they just look like shitty individuals for doing it.

But I also shouldn't expect people to be as honest as I am. I'm way too honest in some respects. There is no reason I had to tell the Bat that Bubbles had shit on the dining room table since I cleaned it up before anyone was home but for some reason, I felt I had to tell him. I remember my friend Mouse once telling me that I didn't have to be too honest with J because I would tell him about conversations we had that included him (we were not gossiping meanly behind his back or anything, just laughing at something he did that he, too, had laughed at). I also need to pull back on that honesty because it's more over sharing than anything else.

So it is a conundrum and one I really need to start working on. Because I don't want to let people hurt but I also don't want to assume they are always going to disappoint me. And, I really don't want to be that obnoxious over sharer when NO1CURR. We'll see how it goes because it'll take me awhile to figure this out.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

How to Set Up Wifi in Your New Place

Step 1
First, you want to find the shittiest provider you possibly can. If you are lucky, your apartment complex will be contracted to said shittiest provider and so that part of the work will be done for you. Of course, this will depend on your area or region but we'll have to use my experience as an example. We'll call my provider Wime Tarner, to protect the company's privacy.

Step 2
Call shitty provider to set up service and request an appointment. Get through the process and to the point where they have to verify your social security number only to be told that they cannot process your order because there is a pending one under your name, SSN, or phone number.

Step 3
Call the customer service line that the first guy gave you. Explain the situation and listen to the girl on the other end of the line kind of titter and pretty much admit that she has no idea what you are talking about. Have her transfer you to tech support (do not question this, just let her do it). Please note that whenever you talk to anyone, you will be asked for your address to see if there is service there under your name, regardless of the fact that you are trying to set up service for that address for the first time.

Step 4
Talk to the tech support guy and explain the whole situation again. Have him type in your phone number and social to have him tell you that there is a pending order under your name, SSN, or phone number and that he cannot get you hooked up. Wait patiently while he transfers you to billing.

Step 5
Once you get the billing chick on the line, proceed to once again explain your issue and have her repeat things back to you. Make sure to give her your phone number at least three times and explain to her the issue at least twice. This way, when she suddenly feels confident, she'll be able to tell you what the issue is as if she just figured it out. Then wait while she gets her manager.

Step 6
Have the billing chick make noises that clearly demonstrate that she was fucking shit up and she just figured it out. Give her your phone number again, as well as your social security number.  Go through everything one last time and then have the manager push through the order and schedule a guy to come out a week later between 3 and 4PM.

Step 7
Leave work 2 hours early the day of to make sure you are home when the guy calls you. That was smart because even though he wasn't due until 3-4, he calls you at 2:20 and says he'll be there in five minutes.

Step 8
Spend the next 90 minutes watching the guy go in and out of your apartment and make numerous calls before he puts you on with dispatch who explains that he cannot hook up your service because the lines are buried/cannot be found. When you first get the phone, stand up from the chair in which you'd been seated and damn near collapse because your leg fell asleep. Swear at the lady twice and then explain that you'd almost fallen three times because your leg was numb. Demand that the lady confirm that you can expect the people to come out the next day between 8 and 10 AM as that is what she said. Once confirmed, tell dude peace, and text someone you work with to send out a notice that you will be in late the next day.

Step 9
Next day, putter around the apartment waiting for the Wime Tarner people to show up. Make a sandwich for lunch, take care of your pets, and finish yet another book you've been reading because you don't have internet. When no one shows up by ten, take your work stuff (forgetting your lunch) and get in your car to call Wime Tarner.

Step 10
Verify for the recording lady that the phone number she has is correct. Have her then inform you that you have an appointment scheduled for the next day between 5 and 6 PM. Near tears of rage, scream "representative."

Step 11
Explain the situation to "Mike", the customer rep and ask what the fuck is going on. Pay attention to the road and not your anger when "Mike" tells you that your appointment today was canceled and no, he doesn't know why you weren't informed. Then find out that there are two appointments for the next day, only one of which you have to be there for, and that you will get $20 off since they fucked up their installation guarantee. Also find out that you will get $20 off each time they fuck up.

Step 12
Apologize to "Mike" several times and make sure he knows that your anger isn't directed at him but that this has been a very frustrating process.

Step 13
Complete your commute in angry silence, park, make a note of where you parked since it isn't your usual area, and walk, still fuming, into the building.

Step 14
Tell everyone about the fiasco and cross every finger and toe you have that you will have mother fucking internet by 7PM Thursday at the latest.

Step 15
Google bars in your area so that you have something to do tonight since you have to cancel girls' night and are tired of being in your wireless-less apartment.

Step 16
Write a blog post about it in hopes of having it calm you down.