Thursday, December 11, 2014

You're Asking Me? Vol. 1

As I’ve mentioned before, BFF and I chat throughout the day via the wonderful world of gmail. She has a four year old and so, obviously, that is something we talk about quite a bit. BFF is a great mom but she’s an even greater human because she is completely honest about things. When she’s having some sort of trouble with the kiddo, she’ll tell me about it and tell me when she feels like she’s been a shit mom. I sometimes give her advice and whenever she says “that’s a really good idea”, I inform her that I made my fortune on my parenting books. Because I don’t have kids and I want her to know I realize I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Yesterday, she was telling me about another difficult bedtime and I gave her an idea she really liked and so I decided I’d start writing her my very own parenting book, just for her. But it was either make it into blog posts or take a few pieces of notebook paper and some brown grocery store bags and staple that shit together. So here is the first installment.

So You’re Bitch Ass Kid is Scared of the Dark

Apparently BFF’s daughter, like all little kids, is a fucking liar. The real issue is that she thinks she’ll miss something if she goes to bed when mommy and daddy are still awake but she lies and says she’s afraid of the dark. Or maybe she really is just a sissy, I don’t fucking know. So here is what I suggested to BFF.

  1. Either buy a new stuffed animal or find one the kid hasn’t cared about in awhile. BFF, like me, is cheap and lazy so she’ll probably go with the latter (there was some mention of a ferret so we are going to continue this list with the idea that you, too, are cheap and lazy and so you pick an animal the kid doesn’t care about anymore.)
  2. Tell the kid that the reason she hasn’t seen Flimsy the Ferret is because FF went away to security guard training. More specifically, FF has been trained as a night guard.
  3. Place a foot stool (or small kid’s chair, or a box, or whatthefuckever you have) next to the door and place Flimsy the Ferret on it, facing the punk ass little kid’s bed.
  4. “See NAME OF MY CHILD? Flimsy is going to sit here all night and make sure you are safe while you sleep. If anything happens, Flimsy will come get Mommy and Daddy.”
  5. In the morning, sneak in and place FF on his/her side and place a blanket over the motherfucker.
  6. Also place a note with the stuffed animal saying “night watch went well, nothing to report. See you tonight!”
  7. Get the kid up because you have to shove some breakfast into her face and you all have to get ready for daycare and work because you are poor like me and can’t afford to stay home or have a nanny.
  8. Point to the sleeping guard and bring the kid over to show her the note. Really little kids are too dumb to read so you’ll need to read it for her. Enjoy the wonderful awe and happiness and all that shit that your child displays.
  9. Go about your day.
  10. Before bedtime, before the kid goes into her room for bed, wake that mother fucker up and sit him back up on his post. Hide the note and fold the blanket and take both to our room.
  11. Repeat. If you have the energy and feel like really selling this, every so often place a dirty coffee cup by the animal so that in the morning you can show your kid that the guard takes his duty seriously and drinks coffee to stay awake.

The security guard stuffy doesn’t have to be a him any more than your kid needs to be a her. It’s just easier to stick to a single pronoun. I say this before any of you come at me all “not very feminist of you, Simply.” I don’t really care but I’m lazy and don’t want to have to deal with it on the off chance that someone wants to have an issue.

And honestly, that would be the dumbest thing to nitpick about this. Happy bedtimes!

Friday, December 5, 2014

Criming While White and Other Stupid Shit

Got Nothing to do with Nothing
You know what I hated in school? The emergency bus drills. Oh my god how I hated those. Other kids loved it because "yay! We get to jump out of the bus!" I pronate mother fucker, I fell to my knees every god damn time and dreaded that shit because I didn't know enough to sit my ass down and climb out. I guess I'd have died if there was ever an actual emergency on the bus.

Really? Look, I'm not going to say how I feel about the recent grand jury decisions either way because it doesn't matter but this shit pissed me off. Thank you white people, thank you for talking about shit you got away with because you are white! Not only are you rubbing it in to minorities that you have 'white privilege', you are essentially saying "black people cannot speak for themselves on this issue and be taken seriously so let the whites talk now." Seriously, when I saw this, I thought it had to be a joke because what the ever loving fuck? Your white guilt narcissism isn't helping a god damn thing.

I'm really tired of white guilt from the idiots who talk about it. Look, the first person to be born in this country in my family is my mother. She was here during the Civil Rights movement and I'm afraid to ask her about it for fear she was racist. But the rest of my family was Iceland, Greece, and Lithuania. As far as I know, we never owned a slave. As I know damn well, I've never been racist. I feel guilt for nothing.

That does not mean I don't hate the fact that black men have to be careful about keeping their hands out of their pockets, if they wear a hoodie keep the hood down, etc. That is awful, horrifying, and disappointing. But you know what? I have nothing to say to tie myself to it. I have nothing to say, I have no desire to try and say, anything about the cause of white police officers shooting unarmed black men. Because I am not black. Because I have no power to change things other than by voting and signing petitions with the hope that they will do something.

Get over it, white people. If you want to feel guilt, do so privately because you aren't helping anyone with your hash tags and your slactivsm. But I would like you to tell me how many black friends you have to prove you aren't racist.

FB Nudity
So Facebook has a totally different concept of nudity than the rest of the world. The Bat and I run a fetish page and yesterday we had a picture taken down and the Bat, who is the administrator of the page, was told we would be taken down for nudity if not careful. I say that Facebook has a different definition because there was no nudity in the picture, but really what I mean is that Facebook doesn't care and the minute they receive a complaint, they act. There are people out there who apparently just go to sites, pick pictures, and report them in an attempt to get them shut down. Why? No one is asking you, specifically, to look at this site. If you don't like it, don't look. Worried about your children? Monitor their online time. But for fuck's sake, if you are going to report a picture, can you at least report one that is a tiny bit questionable? I should report every god damn religious based site for posting offensive content because I'm an atheist.

I probably could, too, since Facebook doesn't look at what is being reported but just removes it and threatens the page owner.

Dear God
I was about to end this with a "and that's it folks" sentence but heard a commercial for what I'm assuming is a weight loss thing, either pills, diet program, or gym. I wasn't paying attention so I don't know but I dude, they are totally called what sounds like "New Genics". Can we say eugenics? Wow. 

Wednesday, November 26, 2014


Not Even Obligatory
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, a time when we are all supposed to sit around, shove as much food as possible into our faces, and talk about what we are grateful for. I actually like this holiday (though I'm really glad that no one on my Facebook feed did that 30 days of Gratitude bullshit like last year; we are meant to be grateful every day and NO1CURR so shut up about it). See that parenthetical aside? Notice how I just created my own snare and was caught by it? Because I'm going to write about things I'm grateful for the day before Thanksgiving.

I am grateful that Johan waited for me before he died, that he came out and lay under his water bottles so I'd see him. I'm so happy I was there with him when it happened, even though it tore me up inside and I was inconsolable and, at times, incomprehensible (see J, the Bat, and my mother for proof). I would have hated it if he'd died whilst being boarded at the vet because I would spend the rest of my life assuming he thought I took him there because I didn't want him anymore and didn't care if he died with strangers. Even though he was a guinea pig with a tiny brain and wouldn't have thought that all, really. I'm just so grateful that I was there with him and that he came out to say goodbye to me. I am also grateful to the Bat for letting me bury Johan in one of the gardens I planted at the house. I absolutely could not just throw my precious little pigglepants into the dumpster.

I am grateful that I am living in my apartment with my cat. I like living on my own and this place is perfect for me even if it is in the semi ghetto, the hot water is iffy, and my kitchen drawer broke. It's the right size and has a nice set up, and just feels right. I have my privacy again. I have all the alone time that I need. It's like having my teenage bedroom back only this time I can put a lock on the door and no one can come in unless I say so.

I am grateful for my friends, old and new. I have old ones, like Austin, someone I've known for over a decade and with whom I still have asinine text conversations with. Newer ones, like Tits, who helped me out so much when I was moving from Ohio to Texas and who can make me laugh until I think I'm going to pee. Brand new ones like Spectero, who is as awkward and socially self-doubtful as myself, and Bruce, who has invited me to Thanksgiving with him, his husband, and their friends. I have so many friends that love me and care for me and I'm happy to say that there are too many to list without feeling bad about leaving them out.

I am grateful that J and I are friends again and that I got to visit him in Ohio. Talking again has lifted a tremendous amount of weight off of us both and we are both eternally grateful that we accidentally bumped into one another online. We had a great time visiting and keep in touch regularly. If you've read this blog you'll know that our not talking, that those two years of silence just killed me. I have always been grateful to know J and I'm over the moon that he is my friend again.

I am grateful for my family, my good health, my employment and just so much. This has been an interesting year and although there are some things I wish I could change, I try to just focus on the good parts, like Bubbles returning to her normal self and getting my favorite parking spot. No matter how big or small, I know that I'm a lucky girl and that I have so, so much to be thankful for.

End blog post full of feels. Gobble Gobble.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Goodnight Johan

I have neglected this blog for so long and have so many good things to write about but all I want to talk about right now is this: DEAD.

I had an optometry appointment this afternoon. It seemed to last forever and when I got home, I took Johan out of his cage and sectioned him off so I could clean his home. He was fine. When I put him in his fresh new cage he was fine. 60 to 90 minutes later I found him laying under his water bottles (he has two because of his drinking problem). He NEVER lays there. NEVER. If he is out of his pigloo, Johan lays in the far right corner of his cage, directly across from his water bottles but not underneath them.

What's more, he was laying on his side, another thing I'd never seen him do.

I petted him. He was warm but he didn't respond. I rustled the hay. He did not respond. I went into the kitchen to get a piece of pepper to put in front of him. He did not respond.

I watched Johan die. You have no clue how hard I wept. I texted the Bat when I realized what was happening and then I called J, sobbing and wailing and carrying on. We spoke for I don't know how long. I wanted him to know because he knew Johan and knew what he meant to me. The Bat's reaction was "how do you know? Pick him up?" J's reaction was "I'm so sorry, honey, I wish I was there to take care of this for you." It isn't that the Bat is a bad guy, he just doesn't have the same history with Johan.

Johan. Johan the Destruktor. That's true as he destroyed my heart. I loved him so much and he'd been there through so much, even if he never took any notice.

It's going to take some time before I wake and walk towards the bathroom, expecting to hear him squeak at me. It's going to take time before I stop hearing him shuffling around in his bedding, burbling, occasionally pop corning, being his usual happy self. It's going to take so god damn long before I stop expecting to hear him. Even when I stay at other places I wake up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and expect to hear him. And I'm going to see where I kept his cage, even though I threw out everything but one that belonged to him. I'm going to find hay and it is going to kill me.

I started crying and did not stop for three hours. Even then it kept coming at times.

I don't care. I don't fucking care what anyone thinks of me. Yes, it was *just* a guinea pig, but it was my fucking guinea pig and I loved him so much. I loved him. He was my surly little asshole. He was my buddy. He was there all the time.

And now he's not. So fuck you if you think I'm over reacting. We all have something and I always knew, from the moment I got my guinea pig, that he would be it.

What is left of my already shattered heart is in tatters. I love you Johan the Destruktor. And I always will. Thank you for coming out to say goodbye to me. Thank you for letting me have a chance to say goodbye to you. 

Monday, November 3, 2014

More Awesome Texting With Austin

Austin: "Got your facebook message. I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable liking that. I don't like any pages on fb except for ones work requires me to like."

Simply: "Totally understandable."

Simply: "I mean, uh, we are no longer friends. That's the right reaction, yes?"

Austin: "Yes, it's been a good 12years. Well, nice knowing you. Have a good life."

Simply: "What happened to your friend, Austin? He wouldn't like my fetish Facebook page so I trashed 12 years of friendship."

Austin: "Oh wow. Yeah. Nuff said."

Simply: "You ask one possibly compromising favor and what do you get? Amirite?"

Austin: "You think you know people."

Simply: "I know! It's like my former friend Tina. I asked her to help me with one virgin sacrifice and se was all 'I'm not comfortable with that. And the girl is 13!' Like she even knew the kid!"

Austin: "lol"

Simply: "That would be an epic story though. 'Yeah, Simply wouldn't stay friends with me over a Facebook thing.'"
Austin: "If I had to write an obituary for our friendship, I'd want to go out like that."

Simply: "Def."

Austin: "No drift apart or that shit for us."

Simply: "And I'd delete the site and make a new one to raise money for MS so you'd look like a dick."

Austin: "lol you didn't want to give money to friends of MS Irving Chapter? You are an asshole, man."

Austin: "I swear that wasn't the original link."

Simply: "Dude, she has MS. What the fuck, you couldn't even like the page? Who are you?"

Simply: "Sure it was. And Tiny Tim had the cane for attention."

Austin: "Actual lol."

Simply: "So MS and crippled children are funny now? My god, Austin, THAT? That is the legacy you want to leave behind?"

Austin: "I imagine friends who don't even know you ditching me for you. 'You know, I work with you and all but I'm going to start texting Simply."

Simply: "Dude, that was fucked up. I messaged Simply and she's a sweet girl. How could you shit on her when she faces such struggles?"

Simply: "Did you seriously send her a bunch of wheelchair pictures saying 'see you soon'?"

Austin: "It as supposed to be ironic. Jeez."

Simply: "You know this is all going on my blog right?"

A Quick Upate

Short Lived
But it was nice whilst it lasted. So I met that guy on a dating site and he's awesome. He has a great personality and he made laugh really hard in person and via text. Unfortunately, I didn't feel that romantic spark and so had to end it. I realized this when we met up on Saturday and confirmed it when we had lunch on Sunday. I told him today and I felt horrible about it. But of course he took it in stride because he's awesome. I'm bummed that the chemistry was there because he was so nice and complimented me all the time. He's affectionate and ambitious and just a really great guy. But what can you do? I think I'll take a bit of time before I try again. Slap in the face, honestly, because seriously? This guy is perfect and I just feel nothing.

Facebook Page
I'm not going to link it here because you people do not need to know about the site but the Bat and I co edit a Facebook page and it's been an interesting hobby. I've learned all sorts of things about editing photos and can now do that thing where the photo is black and white with a single color (thank you Light Room and dude who made that YouTube video). I've also learned how to watermark the photos he and I take so that if anyone takes them from the site, they will bear our site's name. I plan on going back through and updating the photos already on the page but it's a pain in the ass. I like that the Bat and I get along well enough that we can do this and that I have a new hobby that is causing me to learn new things. I always wondered how people made certain photos and now I'm one of those people. Go me!

Hi Ho, Hi Ho
Because I am not that bright, I had to put in two requests today to get access to shit I need to test some projects. I asked KC and the Sunshine Band, who is now my lead, if she had anything for me and she gave me the best task. I'm taking sections from a document and comparing them to what our process really is so that we have a client facing document. Yeah, you don't need to know what that all means. The fun of it is that I get to both edit the former document to correct small mistakes and get to use my detail oriented little mind to make sure things are absolutely correct. And, as I told KC, it got all types of dorky up in here when I ran a process and it did exactly what it was supposed to (if you run a request for a member who is not in the database, a record will be inserted into the database and it worked!)

My commute is better these days, although I'm pretty sure I got lucky with the homeward trip because usually the LBJ is all types of fucked up. But the morning commute is usually great because I leave so god damn early. I'm saving money on gas because the trip is shorter, which is awesome, although I filled up on Saturday for $2.55 a gallon, the likes of which I have not seen in fucking ages.

Just a quick update on my car. The Bat put my Texas license plates on for me and now I have trouble identifying my car at home. There are legit at least four cars (including mine) that are silver and look like my damned car so now that I have Texas plates, I have a tendency to get confused and go to the wrong one. Oy. I have, however, gotten used to the brakes and only hard brake on the rare occasion.

Also in car news, I sold my Saturn! I can't tell you what a fucking relief that was! This young kid came to test drive it and he said he had $1,400 on him and it sounded like he was going to say he could get the other hundred (by this point it had been listed at $1,500) but since he had cash and he reminded me of Upstairs Kid, I was fine, especially since $1,400 was my goal. But my GOD it took forever to sell that shit.

And there you have it, a quick update on my life. The Bat's birthday is on Friday but I probably won't see him. I gave him a kickass present early so he totally owes me for my own birthday. That will be interesting.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Well What Do You Know, Online May be Fine

I started talking to a guy on the dating website who originally messaged me discussing my profile. We ended up messaging back and forth and texting back and forth for the entire afternoon and into the evening. We did this for a couple of days and then I met up with him this afternoon.

Before we met up, he told me that he would be honest and if he didn't feel anything, he would let me know. I figured that was just fine and really nice of him so that I wouldn't have to sit and wait to find out how he felt.

So we met up at a Starbucks. I was nervous and the nerves were doubled because I never leave my office building so don't know where anything is or, if I go out to lunch, someone else drives. But I got there and he'd already arrived so I said hello and whatever you say at the beginning of a conversation when you meet someone in real life for the first time. We ended up talking for at least 90 minutes, sharing anecdotes and laughing a ton. My friend, Bruce, immed me as soon as I was back in the office and said that it must have went well if you were gone two hours.

Remember how I said online dating is an ego boost because guys tell you you are pretty, beautiful, etc? I told this guy that I was worried he'd be disappointed when he met me in person even though the pictures he's seen on the site are all current. Well, when I got back to the office, I texted him to let him know I didn't die on the way back and he said "I still think you are a beautiful woman." I said "thank you" and then, because I'm an awkward jackass, I texted "wait, is that like 'I think you are a beautiful woman but..."

He would like to see me again. And I would like to see him again. We are definitely going to take it slow though. We'll see.

Interesting Development
So remember how the Bat was setting up a new relationship whilst still fucking me? Did I mention that I sent the chick a message to say "just FYI, he's been fucking someone else." Then Bat told me he'd told her everything so I sent another message apologizing for the intrusion and that the Bat had informed me he'd told her everything. Well, who do you think sent me a Facebook message today? Yep. And she told me that the Bat told her everything but he didn't say that he was still having sex with me. She then said (and I'm paraphrasing because the way she wrote it is cringe worthy) "The thing is that I don't know if you are being honest. Jealous women can lie and be conniving. I don't mean to be rude but there is that." I told her I understood, especially as she didn't know me and because I couldn't prove it. We chatted a bit more going back and forth and then just wished one another well.

When I got back to the office, I emailed the Bat and told him. He said that he did tell her but that she must not have listened and he didn't care what she thought. He apparently read my post about the four A's of dating and took them to heart, which is kind of cool and I know Bruce would love to know that they are getting spread so far and wide. Oh, and I apologized to the Bat for messing things up with him and that girl but he said he didn't care because she didn't really fit in with his four A's.

Interesting turn of events these days, eh?