Thursday, March 5, 2015

Life, an update

I'm pretty tired of life at the moment. Not suicide tired or anything, just "wish I had millions of dollars so I could be a hermit" tired.

I hate my company and want a new job but that feels impossible. Someone hurt me really badly, I behaved like a weak and stupid woman, something I promised myself I'd never be, and it hurts a lot that the person who hurt me doesn't give a fuck.

I'm not going anything good with my life. I live in the ghetto (in fact, someone just screamed in a disturbing way) and I rarely go anywhere.

I never, ever wanted to grow up. I was never someone who could't wait to grow up. And I hate that it happened because being grown up fucking sucks and things hurt more than when you were a kid, even during the teenage years.

Just to be content would be very welcome right now but I'm so hurt and angry and ashamed that I'm afraid it'll never happen, that feeling of content.

How a person can fuck up her life so completely I'll never know, even though I've done it. 

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Market Mayhem

Before I begin I want to say two things.

  1. I am not making this up
  2. Recall that I live in the ghetto
On Saturday morning I went to my local Tom Thumb, which is a grocery store. This is a place where the manager will ask how you are if he happens to see you and well meaning stock boys will ask if they can help you find anything if they catch you staring at the cheese section for a little too long. It's a nice store. It sells reusable bags that you can crumple down into the shape of a fruit for pity's sake. And when the incident occurred, it was 9:30 a.m. at the very latest. And on a Saturday! Who the fuck is in a grocery store before 10 a.m. on a Saturday? Old ladies, parents of really little kids who are either sick or need diapers, college kids who are hungover, and people like me who want to avoid crowds. 

I was there buying breakfast items and various lunch things for the following week because bitch had just got paid. My basket was full enough that I didn't want to hog self check out so I got in line behind someone who had a bunch of items themselves. I wasn't in a rush, I didn't have anywhere to be, no big deal. 

That was not the case for the couple behind me who will be referred to as 'The Rednecks' or the remainder of this story. Chick was wearing a too tight camo tanktop and either a skirt or shorts and she was at least in her late thirties. Dude had one of those beards. I say it that way because I don't know how to describe it. Not quite duck dynasty but gray and older and more raggedy than is the fashion. Red Neck couple is behind me and I guess they don't like the looks of my haul because the wife goes over with the cart to check out the action in self checkout. Her husband goes with and asks what she's doing blah blah blah. In the meantime, a lady with a bundle of flowers and a bag of grapes gets behind me as does a woman with a cart. I'm not paying loads of attention but next thing I know Redneck Man is telling his wife, no, let's just go back and take our place and he tells the women behind me they were there first. 

Enter Guy in the Right (as in, the guy who was right). He starts saying that Redneck Couple can't just cut in front of those ladies and that they had to get in the back of the line. The woman behind me looked nervous and that was when I noticed she only had two items so I told her she could go before me. She was hesitant to do so but I eventually convinced her and told her, truthfully, that people have let me go first a bunch of times. 

Meanwhile, Guy in the Right is chastising Red Neck Guy about how he should apologize to "these ladies" and he should be ashamed of himself. Red Neck Guy is telling him to shut up and they were here first and stepped away for a minute. They are both yelling and so the staff opened up the next lane to take care of Red Neck Couple to get them out of there. Guy in the Right doesn't let up and the next thing I know, Red Neck Guy is saying "you want to fight? I'm parked over there" pointing towards an area of the parking lot. Guy in the Right says he's ready to go right then and there. Red Neck Chick says "you'll have to hit me first". Other things were said but I forget. What I do remember is Red Neck Guy saying, as he was paying "like I said, I'm parked over there" and Guy in the Right took off his sweatshirt and said "I'm ready to go right here right now."

By that point I'd gotten to the cashier and, almost laughing,I said "so we are supposed to have nice weather today, aren't we?" Because what the fuck do you say? I guess I was doing that thing where you are pretending everything isn't awkward as hell. But once both guys were on their way out, the cashier, the lady behind me, and I all whispered and giggled about the what the fuckery of it all. Because seriously, 9:30 in the morning at Tom Thumb and there was almost a rumble. 

One really funny thing was that I kept thinking "please don't fight in the store. You'll either break something or knock over a display or both and make more work for the people who work here." I also realized just how uncomfortable people can make complete strangers. We were all quiet and pretending it wasn't happening whilst Red Neck Guy and Guy in the Right were hollering at one another and in that moment, we were all sort of bonded together as "small group of shoppers and staff who feel uncomfortable and a tiny bit afraid". 

I wonder if that is why I see Garland PD outside the store these days. 

Monday, February 2, 2015

Going Offline - Not as Simple as it Sounds

On my way to work this morning, I realized that I've been off Facebook for a month now. Well, that's not entirely true. My personal account is shut down but I made a fake one just so I could work on a page that the Bat and I curate. I guess that is a loophole or whatever but I have a total of three friends, all involved in the page, and only sometimes post stupid status updates because I feel like it and have no expectations that anyone will respond. The Bat posts to my wall but that's about it. Facebook lite I guess we can call it.

Then I started thinking about the challenge of taking myself offline as much as possible. The Facebook page I need, as stated above. Gmail so I can keep in touch with certain people and chat with BFF throughout the day. Then I thought, well, what about this blog? Do I shut this down for a month as well as stop going to my usual sites and the blogs I like to read? Do I buy newspapers rather than go on news websites?

I can't go completely offline no matter what because of work. For one thing, I use it at work and need it if I work from home. For another, if I decide to look for a new job, the internet is possibly the best resource available for job searches.

But I think I'll try it. I'm going to attempt to minimize my internet time by weening off the snark site I love, not reading the blogs I either really like or hate read, and going to stupid sites when bored. Hopefully by March I'll be able to spend a month with just fake Facebook and Facebook shared page, gmail, and this blog. Oh, and GPS because I get hella lost.

This will probably be hard but hey, if I work at not going on line, I can avoid all the Valentine's Day stuff that is created to make singles depressed. Bright sides and silver linings folks.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Waxing, Seriously?

OK, for those of you who read this on the reg (hi all three of you!!!! and I'm being generous with saying three...) you know that I have some hilarious experiences when it comes to getting waxed. But here's the thing: apparently, this bitch cannot get waxed in a completely normal fashion where nothing happens. It was cute at first, fun for my blog, but at this point I'm just kind of WTF?

I went to the salon today and was seen pretty much right away, which was awesome. Even better, I got Lee, my usual lady who happily rips hair out of my eyebrows and pubis mons like it ain't no thang. Last time I saw her was in December so I asked how her trip back to Vietnam was, how her daughter's birthday was. She marveled at my memory because I recalled her daughter was born December 4.

Things were going great and she did her usual "brows and youaranoldwhiteladysotherestofyourhairyface first?" thing and I was all cool even though I had my honey badger on display. The wax was a little hot but I didn't say anything because here I had my regular girl and I felt comfortable. She even complimented me and said my skin looked better (I have horrible, adult acne ridden skin that only the mother of Java the Hut could love). We were good. OK, so she commented that she knew I must have had beer and wine the night before because she could smell it and I was all "shit, I'm a derelict" and embarrassed but whatev.

Then she got down to business with my lady garden. This is when stupid shit happens and today was no different.

Her phone rang.

And she answered it.

OK, first of all, thank you Lee for taking off your glove to answer your phone and not touching me till you put that glove back on. Nothing against Lee, of course, but I follow fucked up mommy bloggers and one is a trainwreck who waxes.

But I digress. She. Answered. Her. Phone. Not only that, she took a call waiting call as well, and then at least one call after that.

Look, I didn't really mind that she took calls and had to step away. I'm not one of those people who are all "bitch, you attend to my business NOW" sorts. But the thing is, my business was all out in the open as she spoke in Vietnamese, leaned on my leg as she spoke, and took calls.

Take your pants/skirt/whatever off and then take off your underwear. Lay on a flat surface with your business exposed and think about someone talking on the phone in another language as she uses your body as a causal counter to rest her elbow on whilst she says whatever to whomever.

I swear, one of these days I will go in and get waxed and have NOTHING to blog about. And that will be a good day. 

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Adventures in Dating, 2015 - On Sabbatical

Well that was certainly fast. I've decided to take a break from dating because it's exhausting and disappointing and disheartening, even if it is also, at times, comical. I made this decision over the weekend and when I told someone I'd been talking to that it wasn't in the cards, he asked if there was a reason and I was honest and said I just didn't feel like dating at the moment and was taking a break.

That shit really is fucking exhausting. And smart phones ruin everything because there is a sense of immediacy and "oh I'll be rude if I don't respond to every motherfucking text message I receive." That's a major reason I decided to take a break, I can't deal with having to communicate with people all the time and I really don't want to necessarily go on dates. Not now, I'm too tired.

Last night this jackass who handled things badly texted me in a friendly manner and asked how dating was going. I told him it was tiresome and I was taking a break to which he asked if that meant we could go out finally. That was fucking ballsy and I told him as much. He seems to have forgotten that when we last swapped messages, he intimated that I was a bitch who owed him an apology and that he basically did not wish me well but stated that I wasn't going to have any luck. I reminded him of this and he told me that I took it the wrong way. I wrote back saying that I had been kind to both of us when I used the terms "strongly intimated."

That is something that I kind of find universal about men. If they behave badly or hurt your feelings or anything at all, they will find a way to make it your fault, usually by telling you that you are overreacting and/or they didn't mean it that way. The truly brilliant among them will actually try and make themselves out to be the victim.

Is it any wonder I'm taking a break?

I have met some nice guys and have at least one friend out of my latest attempts. Possibly two friends but the second one is still pushing for dating even though I told him flat out that we weren't a match because I was looking for a childless man and he has a 7 year old. That's cool, whatever, I'm just not going to compromise for awhile until I absolutely confirm that what I'm looking for is akin to looking for a unicorn.

So for now, it is going to just be me and the cat and our exciting lives of the red laser game and being too afraid to walk down to the mailbox after dark. I'll hang out with friends from time to time but lately I'm preferring to just stay inside and either clean my apartment or sit in front of the fire with a blanket around my legs as I knit and watch stuff on Netflix or read my book. I am slowly working my way towards old ladyhood come to think of it.

And maybe that is just fine for now, just my speed. Right now? Men can fucking wait. I'm tired.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Adventures in Dating , 2015 - LOLZ Edition

So dating continues to suck big time but I'm trying to focus more on the hilarious and thought I'd share a brief list of the funnier contacts I've had.
  1. The 21 year old guys who would like to chat. No, son, I will not cosign a damn thing with you.
  2. The guys who, upon my telling them that I'm not interested because they've listed religion as part of who they are, suddenly become less religious.
  3. That guy with two kids who said he read my profile and when I told him he missed the part about no kids, told me I was seriously limiting myself because most guys our age who don't have/want children are either impotent or gay (I don't think he knows what impotent means). I thanked that one for his sweeping generalization and informed him that although it might be true in his experience, it was not in mine. Guys with kids can get pretty defensive.
  4. The guy who sent me a message telling me that he 'kinda' read my profile and who had the profile picture of his thigh tattoos.
  5. The guy who sent me an intial message reading "Hi there, how's your morning going? I was wanting to ask if you would be interested in a sugar daddy arrangement." Yeah, that happened, and dude is 39.
  6. ALL the guys who just look at the pictures and then message me even though they have kids/are religious/are outside my age range.
One weird thing is how much guys want to go from speaking on the site to texting because it is "easier". How? Look, almost everyone has a smartphone these days and we are all using the phone app to communicate during the work day so we are basically texting as it is. I don't necessarily want you to have my phone number and in the evening I like communicating on the site because for me, typing is easier than texting (little kid hands and fingers do not do well on little keyboards).

Sometimes I realize that I'm 34 and I'm one of two people I know that are single. Tits is single and she is 44 and could give a fuck really. Meanwhile I've become that girl you know who tells you about her goofy experiences with online dating. I sound jolly and like it's all just a lark but it actually sucks. All I want is a truly nice guy who will let me share a life with him and who will love me and take care of me as I love him and take care of him.

But I guess that is like saying I want a million dollars these days because even the self proclaimed 'nice' guys are jerks who bail on you and then just stop talking to you. Thank god I have the cat because at least this way I technically won't die alone.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Adventures in Dating , 2015 - One Revisited

Remember the really nice guy I went on a date with last Monday? 6'2, former firefighter, full of flattery and nice? We made plans to go out after work on Thursday to play pool, have a few drinks, and have some dinner. I was looking forward to it and I told him that I liked how nice he was and that I hoped that wouldn't change. He assured me that he was just a nice guy by nature so I was pretty happy.

About 45 minutes before I was going to leave, he texted me and said that he'd gotten a service call and had to drive to Fort Worth.I was really bummed because I'd been looking forward to it and I thought we'd have a good time. He was apologetic and when he got home around 9:30, he texted me, apologizing again. On Friday we confirmed that we were both free on Sunday and he asked if I like chicken fried steak (never had it). We talked a bit but didn't formalize any plans.

Haven't heard from that mother fucker since Saturday afternoon. Nice guy my ass. And he told me when we met on Monday that he was on call maybe twice a year and he'd just been on call that past weekend. So service call? Yeah, I'm guessing another girl agreed to go out with him that evening and she edged me out. That's fine and he could have just told me and I'd have wished him well. But to just stop talking to me abruptly and with no explanation? What the fuck? I was really confused and, of course, started wondering what I'd done and what was wrong with me. The Bat assured me that there is nothing wrong with me and that I'm a beautiful, intelligent woman and it's the guy's loss.

Once I figured out that he bailed on me and lied, I went to anger, which is nicer because I'm not sad. I didn't think he and I knew each other well enough to lie to one another and nice guys don't lie.

So now I have very little faith in men and can't trust anyone who says shit about being a nice guy because LIES! I'm not all bitter and jaded but this was a first for me so I'm still trying to adjust to it.

Back to the drawing board I suppose. Stupid men and liars.